Anxiety

Should I wear make-up? If I don’t, they’ll think I’m ugly. If I do, they’ll think I’m fake. 

How should I do my hair? As normal would be seen as boring but then maybe they won’t like the new one. 

Clothing! I always wear the same — but new stuff might be cool, but they might see me as weird.

What train should I get? I don’t want to get same train as them, ’cause they’ll think I’m following them, but then if I don’t, I’ll be late. 

Should I go into class? I mean, everyone probably hates me… but I have to learn.

There’s no chairs! Should I get a chair from another classroom, which would be awkward, or just stand here?

Should I answer this question? Should I? No, they’ll hate me! But then I could finally say something and be not invisible…

Should I talk to people? They’ll hate me but they’ll think I’m weird if I don’t…

Should I get this train or wait an hour, just so I can avoid so-and-so?

Should I do this, do that… What if — No I can’t ask that teacher a question! They’ll hate me! 

Should I message them? They’ll hate me if I do, but I need to speak to them… 

This is just a glimpse into what I think daily. My anxiety has sky-rocketed since I started college again. I can’t help my thoughts, however irrational they are — they just come at me and it’s such a suffocating feeling, having anxiety. It’s like you constantly live with someone else right besides you that’s telling you to do the opposite of what you want to do and so you can’t decide whether to go with you or with them. I get confused a lot and sometimes this anxiety just makes me hate my life. It is the dictator of my life and my decisions. It’s made me into a coward.

Lia

 

 

Sorry

I guess I haven’t posted for a while.

I just haven’t been feeling so good, both mentally and physically. It was really hot today and I don’t like the heat because it makes me feel ill. I did have a nice day out with my mum though, but that was a temporary boost. Right now, I’m sad again. It’s just the worry, the constant worry, of not knowing what to do or whether I’m doing it right or whether I’m liked or what they want or I don’t know – just everything. It all gets on top of me.

It’s like I’m at the bottom of the ocean and I’m trying to swim up but my leg is caught in a rock and I’m running out of oxygen and then my oxygen tank just bursts and I’m gasping and I’m gasping and I drown.

I’m sorry I’m being so negative; I’m just so worried about stuff. I can’t deal with anything; I’m not ready to do anything. I can’t grow up, I’m not ready, I’m not. I’m really not ready. It’s so scary.

Sorry, hope you guys are okay. 🙂