20 Questions About Me Tag

Thanks to ANewChapter for nominating me. 🙂

Are you named after anyone?

I think I was named after Lia Williams. They liked the name so took it.

When was the last time you cried?

Some days ago. Sometimes I have these meltdowns over silly things, I have had a few recently haha.

Do you have kids?

Yes, they are called Diego, Pablo, and Smiler.

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

No, because hardly anyone wants to be friends with me, so I don’t think I would be any different. xD

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yes but generally in the way that people will not be able to tell I’m using it so I can actually not like what they’re doing but pretend I do. So you will never know the truth… 😉

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Age, because you’re hardly going to not notice that a toddler and an elderly person are different ages.

What is your eye colour?

Blue.

Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy endings happen wayyy too often so they get kinda boring, but I don’t have anyone who likes watching scary movies with me so I can’t watch that either, but I want to. 😦

Do you have any special talents?

uhh I fail more than the average human, does that count? Hehe.

Do you have any pets?

Yes, I also mentioned them in the children part of this post. They are Diego, Pablo, and Smiler.

What is your dream career?

Writer/philosopher.

Who was your first best friend?

Her name was Holly, I went to her house quite often, we were close. Then she made a friend that she preferred so rip friendship. xD She’s now super popular.

How tall are you?

Last time I checked, I was 5’3.5 and I’ve pretty much stopped growing so I doubt I’ll get much more than that.

How many countries have you visited?

Wales (x1), France (x2), Portugal (x1), Spain (x1). I absolutely loved Portugal, except for the day when I got heat stroke and had an intense migraine; but it was still awesome. France was cool too, the time I was with my family especially. I’d love to return to either of them. I’ve never been outside of Europe though. It would be a really cool thing if one day I can leave it. Haha.

What was/is your favourite/worst subject in High School?

 My favourite was probably English. I just loved the subject. And I was also sat next to ANewChapter for most of it and that was fun. My least favourite subject was probably physics; not because I was bad at it, or because I didn’t like it that much — it was to do with the teacher! We had this lady from the Czech Republic who could not teach. My chemistry teacher kept telling us “but she has a physics degree!” — did she have a teaching degree, though? No. They were desperate for a teacher so they got her, I think. She could not teach at all. There were two pupils in our class who always misbehaved in every class so it was usual of them to, though one of them actually walked out in her class because she was such a bad teacher. After seeing those two pupils misbehave, she decided our entire class was awful, and refused to teach us anymore. We then got the same teacher as chemistry for the rest of the time. My chemistry teacher might have scared me a lot, but at least she could teach. She was very angry with our class though, and didn’t think to see it from our point of view. I actually ended up getting the higher grade in physics than biology or chemistry, in the second science GCSE. In the first science GCSE, I got a higher grade in biology. I was never good at chemistry, and never liked it either. Haha. Also, my biology teacher was kinda creepy…

What is your favourite perfume?

I don’t wear perfume. I hate it when people spray it publicly because usually it is quite strong and I end up coughing a lot. At least go do it in a toilet cubicle, so that I don’t die. Thanks.

What would you name your children?

Child A and Child B. Just kidding, I haven’t really thought about it. Nice names, though.

What sports do you play/have you played?

When I was really young, I was in a football club run by professional footballers. There was one other girl in the club; the rest were boys. I did like football for a while but then, when my confidence got knocked with bullying, I stopped doing it.

What phone do you currently use?

None. My phone is slow as heck so I stopped using it. I hope to get a new one by Christmas.

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I have a lot of bad habits. Automatically assuming the worst, procrastinating, being me, dahdah…

My nominations:

Everyone who follows me who hasn’t already done it. Go do it!

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Why?

Why do we live in a time where you aren’t allowed to be proud, happy, supportive, of yourself? Why do we live in a time where we have to look for our flaws, even when they’re harder to find than the good parts? Why do we have to ignore our talents or our natural gifts? Why is modesty and low self-esteem the norm? Why can’t we just be accepting of ourselves?

It’s hard for me to say I’m good at anything, even when I get good grades. I’ve constantly been telling myself how bad I am that it just embeds itself in my mind and I can’t get rid of it, regardless of my grades. It’s because I’ve adjusted to this state of mind. We all have.

People who are proud of themselves are rarer in this world than those who are not, and I am not getting at arrogance here — that is another matter altogether. I am getting at those who have the right to be proud, and take it to the right level. I am in such awe of those people, at how they can manage to feel accomplishment for the same tasks that make me cry at how bad I feel I am at them.

I want to tell people how to be happy with themselves but I can’t because then I’d be lying; I don’t know how to be happy with myself so how can I tell others how to be? Compliments don’t change this; just add an edge of awkwardness and, perhaps, a momentary bit of self-appreciation. But that doesn’t last: it never lasts, and then you’re back where you were. Lost and confused about why you even exist; what qualities do you have to offer the world?

It’s so difficult living without being able to appreciate yourself: can’t that change? I wish it could, but there’s just no way of knowing how.

Self-harm

I understand that this is a really sensitive subject, but I want this blog to be as honest as possible, and, to do that, I need to share my experiences.

I have self-harmed since the age of twelve and still do, though not as regularly as I used to. At first, it was just sharp rocks that were at my school underneath the trees; the sharpest I could find weren’t that sharp, either. But I liked them because I could hurt myself without marks being left behind. My pastoral carer at the school suspected me of self-harm and one time he made me lift my sleeves. However, because of the instrument I used, he couldn’t find much proof, so couldn’t help me. I didn’t want to be helped. I liked the pain.

But the rocks didn’t give me enough pain so I turned to nail scissors. Sharp, small, easy. They were amazing for giving me the satisfaction whilst leaving clean cuts, which had very minimal scarring. I have cats too, so any leftover marks could have just been the cat, or so I said. Eventually, I decided that nail scissors weren’t enough, so I turned to the sharpest knife I could find. And God, did it leave scars.

Once my parents found out, they removed everything visible from my room but they didn’t realise that you can use anything to self-harm. Anything. Your own finger-nails, an elastic band (I used to wrap them several times around my fingers until the circulation was cut off and they were really sore), really just anything. Sometimes I’d self-harm in the way of making myself vomit and I even told people but, because I was of normal weight, they let me go (and probably continue doing it). It didn’t matter that stuff was taken away from me; I didn’t care. I would find a way.

I tend to do it in an irrational moment of madness when my social fears get so bad that I feel I need pain to distract myself from them. Sometimes, I just want the world to end, because I can’t deal with my emotions, and when the world continues to thrive, I cut. Now, it is quite irregular, sometimes being every day, other times I won’t do it for a month. Really, my mood is like a see-saw. I can be so happy and then something happens that makes my emotions go anti-clockwise and I’m sad. It’s a kind of sadness where you want to die but you don’t want to do it to yourself because then your family will be asking all kinds of questions; it’s the kind where you just wish someone would do it for you. The happiness I feel, though, is because of my loving family and pets and, occasionally, friends, though I don’t have many. The sadness I feel is because of everything else. It all adds up. One small thing at a time then another thing and a bigger thing and a massive thing and I’m self-harming.

At the moment, I’m undergoing a lot of stress on my autism at college, because people with autism can sometimes struggle with change and I’ve had so much change recently. FYI: I have had five lecturers for my creative writing course in the just-over-a-year I’ve been there. The classes were also merged. It has been very hard for me. As well as this, I don’t find anyone who I particularly bond with at college; no one who understands me. My main friends aren’t at my college and they’re amazing, but I can’t see them very often.
When I was twelve, something bad happened to me, which I won’t go into detail about, but basically we’re also studying this book in English, and I really don’t want to study it because I’ve heard what the content is from someone who’s already read it and it could be triggering to me.

Basically, I’m trying my hardest to stay clean, but there are little events at the moment that are trying to push me to do it. I’ve emailed my lecturer but she just said “read through it” — and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do, in case I get triggered.

Unfortunately, I feel deeply misunderstood in a lot of areas of my life, and I feel like soon another moment of irrational thinking could turn into some more scars. I hope not but I feel like this desire to inflict pain on myself to distract from how I feel will always be here. It’s been here for five years; it’s not going away soon.

I hope you understand this post and I’m sorry if you’ve had experiences with self-harm. Just to let you know, I’m here for you.

Lia