Worries

I worry every day. I can’t stop the flooding in my brain. I worry about the fact that only 16% of autistic adults are in full time paid employment, and that only 32% are in any kind of paid work. I worry about the fact that I don’t look autistic and most people don’t realise just how autistic I am. They think I can fix my autistic traits if they keep telling me how to improve myself, but you can’t fix autism. It stays with you forever. I worry about the fact I may lose all my friends one day through my lack of understanding social communication. I say the wrong things often and I don’t understand why it was the wrong thing. I don’t understand other people’s social signals, either. I think I’m losing friends already.

I worry about the fact that 1 in 3 autistic adults are experiencing severe mental health problems and I think I’m one of them because I can’t see properly most days. All I see in front of me are traps. I think about all the ways I could fail in life frequently, and it isn’t enough to just think positive. I try, but then I think about all the negatives of that positive.

I worry about the fact that I want to do something big with my life but that I will never get the chance to. Don’t say I can if I try. Then, I’ll feel worse about not doing it. My autism looks like it doesn’t affect me much so people encourage me to do things that they would never encourage someone with a more visible disability to do. Just because mine is invisible, people think I can do things. I’ve tried to do more with my life and it ended in terrible situations each time, because of my autism. Each time, I remember back to those scenarios, and I think they will happen again. That is why I cannot do what I want with my life. I cannot experience the opportunities many are lucky to grab. It will end badly.

I cannot see any future for myself, personally. I see the future of everyone else around me — but not me. I have no future. One day, I might be all alone and not know how to cope with the world I’ll be all alone in, and that frightens me the most. I fear that I will be stationary, like a statue, for my entire life. I once had dreams and aspirations that burned down before me when I realised I can never complete those.

I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m autistic. No one wants to deal with someone like me. I’m too complicated for them. I’m a mess. I lie to people most of the time with simple texts and funny pictures. I don’t want to be remembered for being a fraud. I want to be remembered for being an author who volunteered with animals regularly, but that is not going to happen. I have had far too many set-backs already. My autism is literally stopping me from getting opportunities (I was turned down by a volunteer agency when they found out I was autistic, despite the fact I could do whatever tasks they wanted me to). I have tried more than once to fit in with society and it did not work out.

The truth is that I’m tired. I feel like an alien. No one understands me. I will not speak this aloud but I will write it in a blog post because that’s what my blog is about. Expressing myself.

Honestly, my pets are what keep me going. Seeing them each day gives me something to smile about, but there’s not much more for me to smile at anymore. I feel alone and frightened about my future. I have my family but they won’t be here forever, so what happens then?

I don’t know.

Lia

 

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My Christmas

This is my Christmas post!! For Christmas, I brought presents for my mum, dad, brother, and brother’s girlfriend. I got my mum a nice dress, my dad some chocolate penguins, an electronic bug, and a bike t-shirt. I got my brother a Mr Poopybutthead figurine, which you’d know if you watch Rick and Morty. I got his girlfriend an animal crossing K.K. Slider plushie, which she seemed to like. My brother was jealous though, perhaps for his birthday…?

I got a new phone for Christmas too, because I haven’t had one for a while. It’s cheap but it seems nice and it has that new phone feel. I also got the best surprise ever: a Pablo cushion! I screamed when I opened it because it’s the best thing I could have gotten. My brother got a Smiler cushion. For my stocking, I also got a magnetic poetry kit, which I’m going to start using for my instagram. Also, my dad got me a book that he brought when he was with me, except he told me it was for my brother.

My roast was lovely, with Tofurkey… mhm. I love roast potatoes and mash too. And sprouts.

On boxing day, I went to my aunt’s. It was really nice. One of my cousins gave me a box of delicious vegan sweets (honestly, best I’ve ever had). The other cousin gave our entire family a David Attenborough collection of DVDs, but also gave me a box of vegan chocolates, and no one else anything extra. I’m obviously her favourite. I got a lovely poetry book and top from my aunt and uncle. But my uncle’s sister got me a VEGAN YULE LOG. Okay, it wasn’t really a normal yule log, it was more dark chocolate in the shape of a yule log, but it was delicious!! I love my family. We also played some games, including Bananagrams, which I love a lot. It’s kinda like Scrabble but quicker and you laugh more.

I also won a competition a few days before Christmas. My favourite author, Patrick Ness, ran a competition where 10 winners would win all these prizes and 100 runners up got some good prizes too. I was one of the 10 winners, and it makes me so happy, because one of the prizes means I get to go see A Monster Calls as a play in the Old Vic, London. I also get some cool other stuff but I think that’s the one I’m most excited for, especially considering the star of it is a tree. I’m just wanting to see a tree walk on stage, really.

Overall, my Christmas was the best time of year, because I got to go see my family. I don’t care about much else, it’s just nice to see them. The rest of my year wasn’t really much to beat either. I also played ‘Who Am I?’ and one of the questions I asked was ‘am I female?’ My cousin answered ‘you are… now’ and I instantly knew I was Doctor Who. Hehe…

The pets got a ton of presents this year too, including a bum for Pablo. Yes, a bum. My cousin got him a cuddly baboon’s bum, which he loves.

Thank you for reading,

How was your Christmas?

Lia

Cats or Dogs?

Since the beginning of time, there has been one common debate: cats or dogs? I always thought I was a cat person, having lived with cats for my entire life. They understood me and I understood them. I loved cats. I still love cats.

Then, just over a year ago, I met Pablo. Pablo is a dog, and he’s so different to cats; he’s clumsy, noisy, and quite needy! To put it lightly, he’s a lot to handle, unlike our independent, quiet cats that only love us occasionally, not 24/7. However, I fell in love with him. Annoying as he might be, he always seems to put a smile on my face. Whether it’s his crazy sessions where he runs around wildly, or his calmer sessions where he’s still licking my face frantically, not letting me escape — I always seem to be smiling. I even smile when he’s naughty in public (barking, attacking people, being a wolf), whilst telling him off. He is just so full of character.

In my opinion, no such debate such as “cats or dogs?” should exist because they are just so different. Whilst cats are sophisticated and gentle beings, clever-minded and graceful, and dogs are a little dumber, but love you more often, filling the house with both chaos and humour. They are just incomparable, now I have been the proud owner of both. Diego, my cat, loves to climb trees and suck fingers, whilst Pablo prefers to lick feet and attack hands. They’re both so lovely and wonderful in their own way.

I would classify myself as a cat person but then Pablo comes along and licks me to death and I wonder whether I actually am. But I’ve realised that dogs and cats are too different to compare; they’re almost complete opposites. Cats are independent and gentle, dogs are needy and bashful, but they’re both interesting and quirky and I love them both.

Hope you enjoyed reading this post,

Lia

 

The Handwriting Tag

 Hi! Today I’ll be doing the handwriting tag. I was nominated by WordedInk for this — check her out. My handwriting is pretty terrible but here you go.

Rules:

  1. Write your name
  2. Write your blog name
  3. Write your favourite word and its definition.
  4. Write something nice
  5. Write the title of your favourite song right now
  6. What’re you writing with?
  7. Write a fun fact about yourself.
  8. Write/draw your favourite emoticon.
  9. Write a silly message
  10. Write who you’re tagging.

HANDWRITING TAG

In case you can’t read (which is probable):

  1.  Lia
  2. Bamboo Chewer
  3. Schadenfreude: to laugh at others misfortune [I’m so nice]
  4. You’re cute. Also: Unicorns.
  5. Umm… No.
  6. Just a black biro 😛
  7. I love cats? ❤
  8. Can it be a kik one: In which case (insert weird drawing of a koala hugging a heart here)
  9. Meow
  10. Although WordedInk tagged you too, I’m still tagging My Mind Speaks Aloud because you have to do it 😛
    I also tag A New Chapter to do it, k?
    Furthermore, I tag
    EVERYONE WHO HASN’T DONE IT
    You have to, k? K.

    Thank you for reading this post!
    It was actually quite fun to do ^-^

At The Park

Today, I was walking my dog, as I always do, when he did the unimaginable. He saw a toy poodle, around his size (maybe a little bigger), and he was in love. We were in the park and the toy poodle was across the road from the park. I always let Pablo off the lead as usually he’s really good.

There was a car coming, however, and he ran in front of it. Very luckily, the car stopped and Pablo was not hit. However, he was so so close and I was literally crying on my way home because, if I’d have lost him, I don’t know what I’d have done. It would’ve been my fault and he’s so lovely and so stupid and I am so grateful that the driver was paying attention. If they’d have turned away for a second, Pablo probably would have been hit.

I did not let him off the lead again this walk and I don’t know if I can bring myself to let him off again because I really really don’t want him to die. Sure, he can be annoying sometimes, but he’s just a baby and he’s got such a pure heart. 😦

I love him so, so much…

I’m Back!

I was on holiday, but now I’m back.

I’m pretty tired after it all but I got greeted with a lovely jumpy Pablo, which was great. I still can’t really relax much as I’m going to my cousin’s birthday on Sunday, which is quite a few hours away as well!

My holiday consisted of sleeping, going to a seal sanctuary (where I wanted to steal the otters), going to Penzance (where we have previously stayed, and also where my mum forced me around 29328392832 charity shops), going to Trebah gardens (which was pretty spectacular), and then sighing this morning as I read the referendum result.

As you might know, I’m autistic, and this means that change in any form is very daunting for me. Even small changes affect me but this is a change that will affect my future, my life, everything. I don’t like it. I really don’t. It is so scary… and the uncertainty of it…

My holiday was pretty good until that point; apparently Cornwall is much more dog-friendly than Sussex! I saw dogs everywhere, even in shops, which is a rarer sight in Sussex. I stayed in this caravan, too, which was nice but I had to make my mum buy me paper plates and cups as the ones in the caravan were too dirty for me.

I shall be posting more frequently again. I tend to be a spontaneous writer, rather than a planner, which was why there were no scheduled posts whilst I was away. I don’t like things that aren’t fresh! 😉

How has your week been? What are your thoughts on the EU referendum?

Thank you for reading,

Lia

The Naughtiest Dog Ever!

So, Pablo had one of his most awful walks today — not meaning that other beings were horrible to him, but that he was being awful himself. He is so naughty. Firstly, a woman had two dogs, who were being very civil and calm, until Pablo starts barking at them. She crosses over, saying “I think this little one is going for my dog” and I say “no-no, he just wants to play” (because he does) and then she says “well, you never know, do you?” and look sat him suspiciously. We then cross and go to the park.

In the park, Pablo makes friends with a few dogs, all of whom are much bigger than him and could eat him in one mouthful. He chases them all around the park. Usually, he will come back to me if he’s too far away, but not today. I have to follow him round the park until, finally, I catch him and attach his lead.

So, we exit the park, and as I’m walking along I see one of my mum’s friends across the road, and she’s talking to someone. She says hi, I say hi, but then the woman she’s talking to goes “oh, that’s the naughty dog!” He’s obviously built up quite a reputation now.

Then, we’re on the final road home, and he barks and lunges at a baby in a pram, and the mother flinches and rushes past us. I’m surprised the baby didn’t cry. Then, an old woman is sorting out her walking frame, and Pablo barks and lunges at her too and she gives him this look of fear. He’s really terrible.

He never wants to hurt anyone; he just wants to love, but he definitely goes about it in the wrong manner! I think Marley has competition, to be honest. Thank you Pablo for making people switch sides of the pavement as soon as they see you, for barking for no reason, for being completely mad. You’re a total nightmare but I love you.

Plus, I can make blog posts about you…

Anyway, thank you for reading this post about my terrible dog,

Let me know what type of posts you want from me,

Lia 🙂