Resolutions? I Don’t Think So!

Every year, we have resolutions and a lot of us break them. I’ve decided not to have any resolutions this year because they’re really bad for my mental health and they make me want to better myself, rather than accepting myself the way I am. I think it’s okay for people to have resolutions, as long as they don’t push themselves beyond their limit. When you’re like me, resolutions can mean serious emotional torment. I usually fail them anyway.

There’s so much that I could do, but I don’t want to get unhealthy habits by obsessing over things I could improve about myself.

I’ve got a lot of flaws so there are a lot of things I could say about what I want to improve. But I don’t want to. I’ve stopped wanting to better myself. I’ve learned that if others don’t love you for how you are now, then they aren’t worth it. And everything has always been about other people for me. What will they think? That’s such an unhealthy thought process and, due to anxiety, I don’t think I can ever fully eliminate that thought from my mind — but I can start caring about my life again.

Obviously, if I happen to change when doing other things, then that will happen, but I won’t focus my entire being on trying to change myself. I’ve always wanted to change myself and I’m just done with that now.

So here’s to 2019 and another year of being me.

Lia 🙂

People Tell Me

People tell me I’m sensitive. What this means is that my heart is unlocked and you just need to climb inside it to see that I’m crying. People tell me I’m insensitive. What this means is that I picked up a pebble and threw it into the wind, but then it fell back down and was bigger than I first noticed. People tell me I’m beautiful. What this means is that my mind is a socket and people are plugging in a charger for my feelings. People tell me I’m ugly. What this means is that everyone else sat in a field of grass whilst I played in the mud. People tell me I’m smart. What this means is that I listened to thousands of other voices regurgitating the same spit. People tell me I’m dumb. What this means is that my life is an essay that I have yet to complete. People tell me a lot of things. What this means is that their lips keep determining, their eyes keep deducting, and their ears keep ignoring. I tell myself that I’m here. What this means is that I can focus on the snakes or the mice but, either way, I’m going to get bitten. Instead, I should focus on the most conflicting voice of all: my own.

I’m Not Who You Want

I’ve noticed that people expect a lot from me. Honestly, I can’t do everything that is expected. People forget sometimes that I’m autistic, I think. I guess, for a while, it makes me feel more normal but I shouldn’t have to hide myself. My true self isn’t the person people want me to be. This doesn’t mean that people should avoid me, or worry about how to talk to me; they should talk to me exactly how they would anyone else. The only difference is that my reply might be vague or unexpected. It might not be what they wanted. I try to talk normally but sometimes my words get knotted and I end up saying something different than what I wanted to say. That’s just how I am. My thoughts and my words often don’t align. Sometimes, I don’t even speak at all, and that’s not because I don’t want to speak; I feel a physical block on my words. It happens most with strangers but it can happen at anytime with people I’ve known for a while too.

When chatting online, I come across as a very different person to how I act in real life. I type what I wouldn’t dare speak, and my online voice is more confident than my real one. This too can give people the impression that I am capable of a lot. The truth is: it embarrasses me to talk about what I can’t do. That’s why I don’t mention it to my friends unless it’s important for them to know. I put on this act that makes me appear able to do lots of things, when really I struggle to do most things.

I’m someone who needs a carer. That carer is also my mum, which means she is around me constantly, to help me do things. I’m someone who needs someone to go out with me, because I can’t go out alone. I’m someone who has a meltdown about the silliest things. The other day, I had a meltdown because my mum thought my meal was hers and peppered it. It was pasta and I can’t eat pepper on my pasta. A lot of people wouldn’t care about something like that but, like I said, the silliest things cause me distress. I have to have things exactly how they’re supposed to be and, if something goes wrong, I can’t cope.

I’m not who people want me to be. I’m trying so hard for my problems to not affect me, but they will always affect me, because autism isn’t temporary. I don’t mind being autistic, it’s who I am, but sometimes I wish it was more understood. There are many stereotypes around it, but I’m not those stereotypes. People thing that if I keep trying, one day my problems will go away. They won’t go away. I’m autistic for life. I can try to make things easier, but it will take time. It’s not something that can happen overnight.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to go out alone, but that day is not today, and it probably won’t be for many days yet to come. People who pressure me into trying to do things that are hard for me just make it harder still. I’ll do things at my own pace.

Understanding isn’t easy if you haven’t experienced it, but imagine you walk into the middle of a movie, and have missed important parts of the plot. You keep trying to ask people questions, but they’re busy watching the rest so they keep telling you to be quiet. That’s kinda what it’s like. You don’t understand what’s going on and you try to figure it out, but you’re still way behind.

Thank you for reading this post,

Lia

When You See Me

When you see me, you see a white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. She can see, she can walk, she’s got nice clothes. That girl is lucky. Perhaps you’re right; I live in a house, with a family that cares, and I’ve got pets too. I am writing this on an iPad, that’s nice as well. I’ve got a lot of things I should be thankful for. I am thankful for them, but life isn’t a breeze either.

As a stranger, I look normal to you. But I have a hidden condition, and it’s called autism. For me, it means that I crave social contact but want to run away when I get it. It means that I won’t speak up about something I dislike until hours later, when I tell only my mum. It means that I can’t go out alone, can’t navigate alone, it’s too terrifying. It means that sometimes my words get scrambled up and I say things wrong. It means that I can’t currently work, because it would be too much; the people, the tasks, the deadlines— it would all get too much. I wouldn’t even survive the interview. It means that I stay in my house most days.

It means that I am not who you think you see.

People with autism look just like anyone else. Sometimes, they’re even extroverts willing to party (they do exist, I know a few!) and sometimes they’re not. Each person with autism is different, no two share the exact same difficulties. But we all blend in. Just because you can’t see it, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It’s very real and very frightening.

Thank you for reading,

Lia

Awesome Blogger Award

I was nominated by MyMindSpeaksAloud

And now, here are the rules for the award:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader.
  • Answer the questions your nominator gave you.
  • Nominate at least five awesome bloggers.
  • Give your nominees ten new questions to answer.
  • Let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated.
  • If you could go back in time and change a memory without it influencing the present, what would you change and why?
    I would make it so that I stood up, just once, to the people who weren’t very nice.


  • If you could pick a person/pet to join your family who would you pick?
    I would pick MyMindSpeaksAloud because then I’d have someone in my family that actually shares my interests. 😉 Or I’d pick Amy Lee, because who doesn’t want to have the lead singer of an awesome band in your family?


  • What’s your favourite thing to do at night?
    Talk to my friends over in different countries. I’d really love to go to Finland or Germany one day. Hehe. 


  • What’s your most invaluable yet valuable possession? (something that is physically not worth much, but means a lot to you)
     Diego and Smiler. We got them both for free sooo… Diego was given to us by a friend and Smiler moved in to our home. Also, Smiler is old and silly, so that makes his worth about -£10 a week. He literally takes money from us. What is he doing here?
  • What weather do you hate the most? Now write a short creative piece – whatever words come to mind.
     I hate it when the sky opens its doors, and the clouds flee, and all that you see is the sky’s light bulb. Don’t get me wrong: a small dosage is nice, but it’s when the earth becomes cracked and the birds start to salivate. It’s when your lips don’t remember what moisture is, and it’s when your eyes could fall asleep just anywhere. It’s when you can’t hide inside because “it’s such a nice day!” but you want to. It’s when you’re forced into its direct path, and you have to endure it. Unlike with rain, or with wind, you can’t shelter from this. You have to go through it, whether you like it or not, until your heart slows, and your skin burns, but it’s Summer, so you better go enjoy it. 


  • What’s the most thought-provoking film you’ve watched?
    I quite found ‘Before I fall’ thought-provoking. Like, is that what’s going to happen to me when I die? I don’t want to die like that. 


  • What do you fear the most in the approaching months?
    I guess at the moment my mum’s surgery, but that should be okay, but she usually gets an infection afterwards which worries me so I hope it goes okay. 


  • What are you most proud of that you’ve accomplished within the last year?
    I completed my A-Levels, even though I was suffering with mental health issues whilst taking them. It was really hard and I had to stop going to college, but I still completed it and got a good grade.


  • If you could only call one person before you died, who would you call and what would you say?
    I would call my mum, because she always reassures me that stuff is going to be okay, even if it isn’t going to be.


  • Sit back from the computer for a second. What is your thought process? Write it down however crazy it may seem.
     Who is this person and why is she forcing me to sit back from my computer? Who does she think she is? I am not taking this anymore! Oh wait, I just sat back from my computer… This mind-controlling witch! :O

    Thanks for reading. I nominate all of my followers, and ask them the following questions:


    1. Define life.
    2. If you could be any fictional character, who would it be and why?
    3. Do you believe that there is life outside of Earth?
    4. If you were to be one of three surviving people on the Earth, everyone else was dead, and you could pick who the other two were, but they weren’t allowed to be related to you, who would they be?
    5. What job would you absolutely hate to have?
    6. Which insect has the most fun?
    7. If you were involved in a public robbery, would you be: a) the robber, b) the victim who did exactly as they said, or c) the hero who caught them.
    8. How would you react to one day waking up and discovering that your entire life was a dream?
    9. Have you ever been pranked/played a prank on someone? What happened, if so?
    10. Best-sounding musical instrument?

    Thanks for reading,
    Lia 🙂

20 Questions About Me Tag

Thanks to ANewChapter for nominating me. 🙂

Are you named after anyone?

I think I was named after Lia Williams. They liked the name so took it.

When was the last time you cried?

Some days ago. Sometimes I have these meltdowns over silly things, I have had a few recently haha.

Do you have kids?

Yes, they are called Diego, Pablo, and Smiler.

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself?

No, because hardly anyone wants to be friends with me, so I don’t think I would be any different. xD

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yes but generally in the way that people will not be able to tell I’m using it so I can actually not like what they’re doing but pretend I do. So you will never know the truth… 😉

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Age, because you’re hardly going to not notice that a toddler and an elderly person are different ages.

What is your eye colour?

Blue.

Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy endings happen wayyy too often so they get kinda boring, but I don’t have anyone who likes watching scary movies with me so I can’t watch that either, but I want to. 😦

Do you have any special talents?

uhh I fail more than the average human, does that count? Hehe.

Do you have any pets?

Yes, I also mentioned them in the children part of this post. They are Diego, Pablo, and Smiler.

What is your dream career?

Writer/philosopher.

Who was your first best friend?

Her name was Holly, I went to her house quite often, we were close. Then she made a friend that she preferred so rip friendship. xD She’s now super popular.

How tall are you?

Last time I checked, I was 5’3.5 and I’ve pretty much stopped growing so I doubt I’ll get much more than that.

How many countries have you visited?

Wales (x1), France (x2), Portugal (x1), Spain (x1). I absolutely loved Portugal, except for the day when I got heat stroke and had an intense migraine; but it was still awesome. France was cool too, the time I was with my family especially. I’d love to return to either of them. I’ve never been outside of Europe though. It would be a really cool thing if one day I can leave it. Haha.

What was/is your favourite/worst subject in High School?

 My favourite was probably English. I just loved the subject. And I was also sat next to ANewChapter for most of it and that was fun. My least favourite subject was probably physics; not because I was bad at it, or because I didn’t like it that much — it was to do with the teacher! We had this lady from the Czech Republic who could not teach. My chemistry teacher kept telling us “but she has a physics degree!” — did she have a teaching degree, though? No. They were desperate for a teacher so they got her, I think. She could not teach at all. There were two pupils in our class who always misbehaved in every class so it was usual of them to, though one of them actually walked out in her class because she was such a bad teacher. After seeing those two pupils misbehave, she decided our entire class was awful, and refused to teach us anymore. We then got the same teacher as chemistry for the rest of the time. My chemistry teacher might have scared me a lot, but at least she could teach. She was very angry with our class though, and didn’t think to see it from our point of view. I actually ended up getting the higher grade in physics than biology or chemistry, in the second science GCSE. In the first science GCSE, I got a higher grade in biology. I was never good at chemistry, and never liked it either. Haha. Also, my biology teacher was kinda creepy…

What is your favourite perfume?

I don’t wear perfume. I hate it when people spray it publicly because usually it is quite strong and I end up coughing a lot. At least go do it in a toilet cubicle, so that I don’t die. Thanks.

What would you name your children?

Child A and Child B. Just kidding, I haven’t really thought about it. Nice names, though.

What sports do you play/have you played?

When I was really young, I was in a football club run by professional footballers. There was one other girl in the club; the rest were boys. I did like football for a while but then, when my confidence got knocked with bullying, I stopped doing it.

What phone do you currently use?

None. My phone is slow as heck so I stopped using it. I hope to get a new one by Christmas.

Tell us one of your bad habits!

I have a lot of bad habits. Automatically assuming the worst, procrastinating, being me, dahdah…

My nominations:

Everyone who follows me who hasn’t already done it. Go do it!

I’m An Adult?!

Today I turned eighteen.

Me? Eighteen? That can’t be right… Let me check my birth certificate, hang on… oh, turns out I am eighteen. Welp.

It’s such a scary age, isn’t it? More responsibilities, pressure, expectations. I’m supposed to be someone that I’m not; someone mature and reasonable and ready for life. I still have no clue what my life is going to become; no clue where it’ll take me or where I’ll take it. I don’t think I’m going to have an idea anytime soon.

Today, though, was a bit of fun in a world where there seems to lack it. I met up with some really good friends (ANewChapter and MyMindSpeaksAloud being two of the three that I invited) and we played cat games. Also, pizza, but unfortunately ANewChapter couldn’t stay for that. The cat games were so fun though and I had a really nice time. The non-blogger friend that came gave me some flowers, which made me feel really grown-up and mature, even though I’m not. What’s ironic is that she got me quite an immature card which contrasts with the flowers. It’s made me have an existential crisis: am I an adult or am I a kid?! She wrote some lovely words inside of the card though.

ANewChapter got me a really pretty notebook and also wrote some lovely words in the card. Too many lovely words! Luckily, MyMindSpeaksAloud was less serious and lovely in what she wrote, but it was still really nice. I mean, you can’t have three serious cards, can you? And she got me the best cat mug ever; she has really good taste. I suppose she just sees something with cats on and thinks “yup, Lia will like this” — and she’s right!

I got an iPad today, my first ever iProduct, and it’s really cool. MyMindSpeaksAloud, being an avid lover of iProducts, talked me through some of the settings. I also got a lovely dress which I wore today (yes, that was a birthday present, people who came to my house) and two cat-themed games, which I played with my friends. Plus £100 from my Nan, who apparently only gave my brother £60 for his 18th. My aunt only gave me £25 whilst she gave my brother £30 for his 18th though. That sorta makes up for it… Ish. If you take away the extra £35.

It was a fun day and I think my friends bonded, because MyMindSpeaksAloud hadn’t met the others before (though knew one from blogging, of course) and told me about how nice they were after.

My brother tagged my present from him (Exploding Kittens; card game) with the words: “You’re an adult!!! Now act like one”. That seemed like a very brotherly thing to say. I love him anyway, even if he does annoy me a lot sometimes…

Moving on, I just wanted to say that these eighteen years have been so mixed. Some years were great, some years weren’t so great, but in the end, I have three amazing friends who I don’t see as often as I’d like, but who I care a lot about. They’re the type of friends that you can go ages without seeing and just pick up where you left off when you do see them though, and that’s just awesome. Two of them are already eighteen and one will be eighteen very soon. We’re all growing up and heading in different directions. Two are going to uni, the other two of us are chilling for a while. It’s amazing how people extend into different directions in life. What makes people take those different turns? Why do some people end up as artists and others end up as accountants? (Referencing my parents and their very different lifestyle choices). It’s amazing how we all begin very similar and we end up totally different.

I’m eighteen now, but I definitely don’t feel it, and that’s okay. You might not feel your age either, and you might never feel your age, but age is only your biological factor; it doesn’t mean a thing about your psychology. You can be whatever age you want to be, if you believe it.

Thank you for reading this post,

Sincerely, 

An adult.

Why I Love Me Tag

This award was created by ThoughtfulTash and I was nominated by Em. Thanks for the nomination, though it’s going to be hard to do. 😛

THE RULES (as stated in Tash’s post)

  • Post the award on your blog
  • Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
  • Leave a link to the original tag creator (ThoughtfulTash) to get a bit more info about WHY this tag has been made!
  • Write 10 things you love about YOURSELF and WHY
  • Nominate at least 5 other bloggers
  • In the comments of the blog post, spread more self-love with compliments to each other! THE MORE LOVE THE BETTER!

Why I love me:

1. I’m sensitive. I mean, this can be both a negative and a good thing, to be honest. I get overly offended by stuff but it also means that I can be more empathetic with people. When I say that I feel bad for you, or hope that something changes for you, I usually mean it — and I’m not saying it out of pity. I’m saying it because I’m empathising with you. I actually have this weird thing that, whenever someone else is in pain, I can kinda feel it too. Sometimes, I’ll even yell “ow!” when someone else gets hurt. xD

2. I care. When I say I care, I’m talking about something different to being sensitive. It’s to do with my veganism. Today, when me and my mum were having a conversation about leather, I actually started crying because so many cars have leather seats and I can’t really escape it. I can’t escape the money scandal either. I’m just a really passionate person and this makes me feel really angry and sad.

3. My family. I mean, they’re pretty awesome, and they’re a part of me, so… 😀 But really, I love them a ton, and they made me the person I am today. Obviously they didn’t want me to go vegan, but when I decided to, they supported me every step of the way. And through all my mental health issues, they’ve been the ones always here, even if they don’t understand all of what I do.

4. My hair. Whilst it is extremely long (and I’m getting it cut very short soon!), it is also very thick (and hard to brush). It means that I always have volume without hairspray, and that I have enough hair to do whatever I want to it. I’ve only dyed it once (without bleach) so it is currently the natural colour of my hair, which is also quite a nice shade, I think. It’s still blonde but more golden than sunny.

5. My pets. They also make up me so, without them, I’d be lost. Today, I’ve had two cats on my bed for the majority of the day. It was nice.

6. My need for perfection. Whilst this too can be seen as a bad thing, and not many people know that I am a bit of a perfectionist, it also helps a lot with my writing. I used to not hand in homework because it wasn’t good enough, at one stage, so it has been very challenging, but it does help with improving my writing skills.

7. My creativity! The reason I write is because I have a body full of creative energy that needs to leak out. My mum uses art; I use writing. It can be hard to want to do a career that isn’t solid — but my parents support my dreams, and they know that normal jobs are a struggle for me.

8. My super-hearing. I have quite a lot of heightened senses, actually (I can’t be in same area as my mum when she drinks tea, I have to wear sunglasses even in Winter, etc) but my heightened sense of hearing is the only one which can help me with some things. Whilst it can disturb my sleep too, I can also hear secret conversations, like a ninja. Although, most of the time, they’ll never know I heard, and I’ll just carry around as usual… on the floor above them.

9. My sense of style. Because it’s my own style, and I’m not conforming to what other people tell me to wear. It’s comfortable and I think it looks nice too (black and white theme generally) and it isn’t forced upon me. That’s why I like it.

 10. My room. It’s so big!

I realise not all of these might have been explicitly about me but I tried. Also, I try not to say too many nice things about myself in fear that I’ll be thought arrogant because that is definitely one thing I am not! haha…

I nominate A New Chapter mainly as I feel this is her thing (all her blog posts are so positive — minus the latest one, but let’s ignore that one…) but I also nominate everyone who needs a little motivation and self-love. ❤

The Recipe Of Me Tag

This tag was created by cakeandpoetry and I was nominated by leo.

The Rules:

  • Tag me as the creator
  • Tag 5 other people (i’m being nice ok). This means you can’t just say ‘i’m tired anyone do this’ (i’m looking at you leo)
  • Be a unicorn today because optimist yo
  • Give a method that you feel is the ‘recipe of you’.

    So, how do you get one Lia?

  • Make sure the recipe is vegan, or it wouldn’t be Lia at all.
  • Start off by pouring a load of passion into a small bowl, so that it overflows. She isn’t very balanced.
  • Add a dash of insecurity. Wait, no, not a dash. A bit more. Just a little more… STOP! I SAID STOP! Why aren’t you stopping? Ugh, just pour it all in.
  • Sprinkle over anxiety… Stop. Stop. Again? Really? -_-
  • Add a dollop of social awkwardness and autism. A generous serving.
  • Make sure to mix in some ink.
  • Just a touch of sugar. She isn’t all bad.
  • Get rid of a little of the passion and replace it with determination.
  • Get some tiredness.
  • Finish it off by whisking in cat whiskers.
  • Make sure not to overcook it. Oh no, it’s raw. Leave it be.

    And that is how you get one Lia. 🙂

    I tag MyMindSpeaksAloud A New Chapter Rose because they all need to post more often.

 

The World According To I

I can see things you can’t see,

Like the moon rising before the sun has drowned,

I can see the grass dying whilst it is living,

I can see the ocean disintegrating,

I can see the world falling,

and no one can see it but me,

so I will cry whilst you all smile,

so I will try for a while,

whilst you don’t need to try,

so I will let it be because otherwise

i must be crazy.