Why I Love Writing Poetry

Poetry is the main thing in life that keeps me going. I’ve been through hard times and just getting it out onto paper helps. I can’t tell people about the hardest of times because they won’t understand but I can write about it. I can write about all the things that keep me up at night. Sometimes I lock away the poems, for my eyes only, and other times I share them with the world.

My mum is an artist. I always found that to be such an awesome job (even if you don’t get paid much mostly) because you can express who you are in art. I tried to do art but it just wasn’t for me. At one point, when I was a kid, I wanted to be an actress. I loved acting! But then I lost my confidence due to events and gave up on that. At one stage, I wanted to be vet. I’ve always been writing, since I was young, but never thought it was something that could become more meaningful than just a hobby. I started out writing picture books and soon turned to short stories. Now poetry is my domain.

Writing has saved me a lot, I’d say. It has helped with my depression and anxiety. It hasn’t cured them but getting words out onto paper has really helped me. I do wish I could tell people my true feelings but I fear loneliness. Once you place your burdens on people, they might leave you. It’s happened before. So I place my burdens on writing now. The paper absorbs my soul and breathes my air.

Poetry is art too; it’s just a different form of art. No one sees the world the way I see it. Especially due to me being autistic. I often find myself holding back thorns in my mouth because I want to tell people how I see the world. But they will not approve because it’s not how you’re supposed to see the world. At least poetry will always be my friend, and it will always accept me, even though I’m different. Poetry doesn’t give me bad advice or tell me things I don’t need to know; it just listens and that’s why I love it.

Thank you poetry.

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Rain Clouds

Everyone has a little box in their brain

full of rain clouds

that will never go away.

They’re the rain clouds

you can’t let fade,

because they’re the darkness

you need to keep.

They’re tightly sealed,

until those days

when you think about them.

My box is full to the brim,

and rain clouds are fighting

to get out every day,

and more are getting leaked.

They fill the parts of me

I don’t want them to fill,

and rain is getting in the way.

My happiest thoughts become

soaked in rain.

And me?

I’m already drenched.

There’s no saving

a soggy piece of paper.

What Am I Doing With My Life?

So, two people in one day asked me the same question: what am I doing with my life? One conversation went something like this:

Them: Are you going to university?

Me: No.

Them: Are you working?

Me: No.

Them: Are you breathing…?

The other conversation was just a catch-up with an old friend, whom seems to have a really cool job as a teaching assistant with tiny children. I love children, so that seems fun. We talked a lot about our pets, and then about what we’re doing at the moment.

Anyway, it made me realise that people don’t understand me that well at all. These people that I’m friends with aren’t very similar to me. There is one friend I have who is very similar to me but we don’t meet up much, and it’s pretty much just her emailing me jokes that make me laugh. She thinks they’re not funny but they’re really my types of jokes!

So, I don’t have any prospects. I’m just an eighteen-year-old living with her parents. A lot of eighteen-year-olds live with their parents still, so I’m not too abnormal yet. My brother lives with my parents too — he’s nineteen! FYI: My mum moved out of her parent’s house at nineteen. I wish my brother took after her, because I really like the quiet. Just thinking is nice. And I can’t just think because he is constantly loud. I think I’ve complained about it a few times in blog posts… I have hyper-senses due to my autism, so every little sound really disturbs me! And he doesn’t even try to be quiet sometimes. The noise can be so loud…

Sorry for getting off topic! Basically, I think I should tell everyone a little thing about me: I don’t find it easy doing most jobs, or going to university. Both things involve interaction, and I have constant anxiety over every little thing, so something like that really wouldn’t work for me. I don’t know if I’ll get a job somewhen in the future, but right now, I don’t want one. I know that it would send my anxiety levels skyrocketing and my parents are fully supportive of me in everything I do. They want me to try working on my writing, but honestly, I’ve been stuck for ideas lately. Somewhen, I might go to university, or the open university, but it isn’t this year, or next. People need to live life at their own pace.

Not everyone should feel pressured to do what everyone else their age is doing. Sure, other people my age are at university or at a job: that isn’t me. Not right now, anyway. I have autism and it limits many of my social skills. Lots of people with autism do go to work or university, but I don’t find it works for me at the moment. I’m also pretty tired a lot of the time. I don’t know why, it’s kinda undiagnosed, but it stops me from being able to just go out and do things.

Remember that you shouldn’t feel like you have to do what the world is doing. You should do your own thing, be your own person. You can go to university if you want, that’s cool, but you should do it because you want to do it, not because everyone else is doing it. You can wait a year or two to try and figure out what you want to do in life. I want to be a cat, but unfortunately I haven’t figured out how yet. Maybe, one day…

Thanks for reading,

Lia

Why I Love Me Tag

This award was created by ThoughtfulTash and I was nominated by Em. Thanks for the nomination, though it’s going to be hard to do. 😛

THE RULES (as stated in Tash’s post)

  • Post the award on your blog
  • Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
  • Leave a link to the original tag creator (ThoughtfulTash) to get a bit more info about WHY this tag has been made!
  • Write 10 things you love about YOURSELF and WHY
  • Nominate at least 5 other bloggers
  • In the comments of the blog post, spread more self-love with compliments to each other! THE MORE LOVE THE BETTER!

Why I love me:

1. I’m sensitive. I mean, this can be both a negative and a good thing, to be honest. I get overly offended by stuff but it also means that I can be more empathetic with people. When I say that I feel bad for you, or hope that something changes for you, I usually mean it — and I’m not saying it out of pity. I’m saying it because I’m empathising with you. I actually have this weird thing that, whenever someone else is in pain, I can kinda feel it too. Sometimes, I’ll even yell “ow!” when someone else gets hurt. xD

2. I care. When I say I care, I’m talking about something different to being sensitive. It’s to do with my veganism. Today, when me and my mum were having a conversation about leather, I actually started crying because so many cars have leather seats and I can’t really escape it. I can’t escape the money scandal either. I’m just a really passionate person and this makes me feel really angry and sad.

3. My family. I mean, they’re pretty awesome, and they’re a part of me, so… 😀 But really, I love them a ton, and they made me the person I am today. Obviously they didn’t want me to go vegan, but when I decided to, they supported me every step of the way. And through all my mental health issues, they’ve been the ones always here, even if they don’t understand all of what I do.

4. My hair. Whilst it is extremely long (and I’m getting it cut very short soon!), it is also very thick (and hard to brush). It means that I always have volume without hairspray, and that I have enough hair to do whatever I want to it. I’ve only dyed it once (without bleach) so it is currently the natural colour of my hair, which is also quite a nice shade, I think. It’s still blonde but more golden than sunny.

5. My pets. They also make up me so, without them, I’d be lost. Today, I’ve had two cats on my bed for the majority of the day. It was nice.

6. My need for perfection. Whilst this too can be seen as a bad thing, and not many people know that I am a bit of a perfectionist, it also helps a lot with my writing. I used to not hand in homework because it wasn’t good enough, at one stage, so it has been very challenging, but it does help with improving my writing skills.

7. My creativity! The reason I write is because I have a body full of creative energy that needs to leak out. My mum uses art; I use writing. It can be hard to want to do a career that isn’t solid — but my parents support my dreams, and they know that normal jobs are a struggle for me.

8. My super-hearing. I have quite a lot of heightened senses, actually (I can’t be in same area as my mum when she drinks tea, I have to wear sunglasses even in Winter, etc) but my heightened sense of hearing is the only one which can help me with some things. Whilst it can disturb my sleep too, I can also hear secret conversations, like a ninja. Although, most of the time, they’ll never know I heard, and I’ll just carry around as usual… on the floor above them.

9. My sense of style. Because it’s my own style, and I’m not conforming to what other people tell me to wear. It’s comfortable and I think it looks nice too (black and white theme generally) and it isn’t forced upon me. That’s why I like it.

 10. My room. It’s so big!

I realise not all of these might have been explicitly about me but I tried. Also, I try not to say too many nice things about myself in fear that I’ll be thought arrogant because that is definitely one thing I am not! haha…

I nominate A New Chapter mainly as I feel this is her thing (all her blog posts are so positive — minus the latest one, but let’s ignore that one…) but I also nominate everyone who needs a little motivation and self-love. ❤

When I Die [Poem]

When I die,

I want that to be the most peaceful day of my life,

The happiest day,

Whether that be tomorrow or in fifty years.

 

When I die,

I want it to be my death,

Not anyone else’s,

I want to die my way.

 

When I die,

I want to feel it,

Just for a second,

Then be gone.

 

When I die,

I want it to end,

All the agony and the pain,

Forever.

 

When I die,

I want to make everybody smile,

Celebrate and clap,

I want them to appreciate why,

Instead of putting on crocodile tears.

 

 

Met Up With A Fellow Blogger!

So, after a pretty bad yesterday (where I felt really ill all day and it ended up with a lovely swollen lip and cut nose), I was really nervous about today because it was the day I was meeting with MyMindSpeaksAloud for the first time, after knowing each other for five years. I thought that maybe she’d hate me and I was really panicking over it.

After a pretty awkward start, we played Monopoly, The Game of Life, and a very… interesting version of Scrabble where you get awarded points for the inappropriateness of the word, rather than the length of the word/value of the letters. It was very interesting, indeed.

After that, we played Jenga in which we won one game each. I then showed her this app on my phone called Exploding Kittens (which basically was a card game where you have to avoid getting the exploding kitten). Finally, I got my mum’s laptop and we played some CurveFever together, which was what we normally play when we are talking to one another online.

It went a lot better than I expected and I really enjoyed her visit. I have felt really sad recently and it was such a good boost in my confidence!

Also, the surprise that she’s been hiding from me for several weeks, came in the form of a panda-covered notebook. It was awesome. I can’t believe I actually met her! 🙂

Thanks for reading this post,

Lia

I Don’t Know Anymore [Poem]

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know whether I’m sure,

Whether you’re going to be there,

Whether you actually care.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know whether to run out the door,

Because you’re an invisible friend,

Just another dead end.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know why I bother, who for,

Because you’re a door in my face,

A reminder that I’m a disgrace.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know how,

I don’t know when,

I don’t know where;

I just know why.

AS Results

I realised I haven’t actually done a post on this yet so here I go. Just over a week ago, I received my AS results. Now, I did alright, really, considering, but I was so upset when I took the exams. Two out of three of them made me feel uncomfortable through reasons I couldn’t help. I think I’ve remarked before about how one invigilator made me feel uncomfortable and the other exam was really noisy and loads of people were outside it.

So, I got my results back, and I’d gotten a D in my creative writing exam (a C overall in both English exams — one was fine, the other was the loud and noisy exam). I was getting As throughout the year in creative writing so this made me really upset. I was happy with the C in English but I just couldn’t accept the D in that creative writing exam. Luckily, due to my grade A coursework in creative writing, overall I got a B. Although a B is really good, I am going to retake the exam because I know I can do better. The exam was awful because of how the invigilator made me feel and next time I’m getting my tutor to invigilate my exams, so that should be better. I just want my grades to add up. If I had been getting Bs throughout the year, maybe I would have accepted the D, but I was much more capable than a D.

I know I often talk down about myself and that, usually, I’d say “see, this D is my real ability” but I’m starting to see that I am alright. My grades show it; my coursework shows it, and I want to prove to myself that I can get another good grade in the exam. I can do it, which is why I’m going to retake. If I believe I can do it, then I’m already halfway there, aren’t I?

I’ve also been looking at a lot of results from fellow bloggers and gasping in awe at their GCSE results because mine were nowhere near as good! I’m so proud of you guys for your awesome results. 🙂

Lia

Game Review: Life is Strange

*Slight spoiler warning*

So, this game was such a massive trend amongst the Steam community that I just had to give it a shot. And I was not disappointed!

The first thing I just have to talk about is the sound track — it is so beautiful and wow and everything and I just love it! Honestly, it is the best game soundtrack I have possibly ever heard.

The graphics are pretty nice too, but the main thing I need to get at is how brilliant the story is.

This game is split into five episodes. You play the game as Max, a nerdy, aspiring photographer who’s just a little bit nosy. She finds out she has these crazy rewind powers and the ability to literally change time. It’s more than just some superhero story though; some terrible stuff goes on at Blackwell. A missing girl, a suicide attempt, and later, the discovery of the dark room…

It’s a game where your choices do matter. They can change a lot of the story but, ultimately, you discover that there’s one thing that cannot be changed: destiny. It was such an emotional thing too. Like, when you discover who the real psychopath is. That’s pretty darn shocking.

To be honest, I would love for the company who made this game to make so many more games like this because they are so brilliant. This game was brilliant. It was so moving and the story was the best part.

I wish I had rewind powers, to be honest. That’d be cool.

Do you want more posts like this? Or not? Comment below 🙂

Lia

Am I Fat?

That was a rhetorical question by the way, so don’t answer it. 😉

I’ve suffered from depression for a long time, probably since I was about eight, but it was never diagnosed until I was about twelve, when my parents found out I’d been causing harm to myself. Depression is something that doesn’t just get better with an “it’ll be fine”. When you’re told how worthless you are for a long time — at school, you believe it, and it will never go away. I was once a really confident and bubbly kid, turned into something unsure and assumptive because of what people have said, because of what I have said to myself.

Despite having some really caring friends now, I still know some people that make me feel rubbish, but I can’t do anything about it. They make me feel like everything I say or do is wrong, that it’s my fault. Maybe it is my fault, but I’ve been called wrong so many times that I don’t know the difference between right and wrong anymore. It’s like it’s been put in a blender and mixed together. I can’t understand it. Often, people say that what I consider wrong is right, and that what I consider right is wrong. Then other times, they don’t. It’s confusing.

So, this leads me to the title of my post, my depression often leaves me turning to simple comforts. Sometimes, that simple comfort is food. I might binge eat sometimes. Other times, however, I don’t eat at all because I realise how disgusting I was being. I don’t seem to have an in-between. I feel really fat, really really fat, despite the fact that I’ve been told I’m not. I just can’t stop thinking about my weight — I even got a treadmill for my birthday to try and lose weight. But I feel sad and I feel fat and I feel horrible too. I don’t feel like I have any positive characteristics. I’ve certainly been told by people that I don’t and the only time I’ve been talked about positively is to do with my skills, which is just to do with what I can do, not what I am as a person. So I don’t really know where I stand.

Am I fat? Am I horrible? Am I really worthless? Do I listen to the voices inside me telling me that I am?

I guess I’ll never know, really, as much as people tell me that I’m great blahblahblah or that I’m awful blahblahblah — both types of people could be lying, but it’s hard for me to identify the truth and the lie. Because what people believe is their truth and if that person believes I’m a bad person, then I am a bad person.

I just want some answers, proper answers, ones that shoot through my body like an electric shock. I don’t want to be confused anymore.

Thank you for reading this post,

Lia 🙂