Am I Fat?

That was a rhetorical question by the way, so don’t answer it. 😉

I’ve suffered from depression for a long time, probably since I was about eight, but it was never diagnosed until I was about twelve, when my parents found out I’d been causing harm to myself. Depression is something that doesn’t just get better with an “it’ll be fine”. When you’re told how worthless you are for a long time — at school, you believe it, and it will never go away. I was once a really confident and bubbly kid, turned into something unsure and assumptive because of what people have said, because of what I have said to myself.

Despite having some really caring friends now, I still know some people that make me feel rubbish, but I can’t do anything about it. They make me feel like everything I say or do is wrong, that it’s my fault. Maybe it is my fault, but I’ve been called wrong so many times that I don’t know the difference between right and wrong anymore. It’s like it’s been put in a blender and mixed together. I can’t understand it. Often, people say that what I consider wrong is right, and that what I consider right is wrong. Then other times, they don’t. It’s confusing.

So, this leads me to the title of my post, my depression often leaves me turning to simple comforts. Sometimes, that simple comfort is food. I might binge eat sometimes. Other times, however, I don’t eat at all because I realise how disgusting I was being. I don’t seem to have an in-between. I feel really fat, really really fat, despite the fact that I’ve been told I’m not. I just can’t stop thinking about my weight — I even got a treadmill for my birthday to try and lose weight. But I feel sad and I feel fat and I feel horrible too. I don’t feel like I have any positive characteristics. I’ve certainly been told by people that I don’t and the only time I’ve been talked about positively is to do with my skills, which is just to do with what I can do, not what I am as a person. So I don’t really know where I stand.

Am I fat? Am I horrible? Am I really worthless? Do I listen to the voices inside me telling me that I am?

I guess I’ll never know, really, as much as people tell me that I’m great blahblahblah or that I’m awful blahblahblah — both types of people could be lying, but it’s hard for me to identify the truth and the lie. Because what people believe is their truth and if that person believes I’m a bad person, then I am a bad person.

I just want some answers, proper answers, ones that shoot through my body like an electric shock. I don’t want to be confused anymore.

Thank you for reading this post,

Lia 🙂