My Dad’s Poem

This poem is by my dad. I’m very proud.

We breathe so we cannot drown.

We love so we cannot spread doom.

We smile to better soften our foe.

We light the room which was so cold.

We pass through this world in a flash

We live for the now but not in a rush.

We are our future we are our past.

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Expectations

I’m an empty casket, don’t put a body in me. I don’t want something to sleep within me, I don’t want the weight. You expect me to fulfil my purpose, of carrying a body, of being a container for it, but I want to be something else. I want to be free. I don’t want to do that, maybe I want to have nothing inside of me, because then I can fill it with my mind and my soul, without them suffocating.

The body is going in… I’m drowning. I can’t see the body but I can feel it. I can feel the crushed emotions, I can feel the sleeping soul. I want it gone… but, you see, it is my destiny to contain this body for the rest of eternity.

Eternity? Yes. I am to be the home of this body. I can rattle and squeak… but I can’t let it out. I have to fulfil my expectations, the ones I wanted to be gone. I can’t do anything. I can’t throw the body out. I have to live with this weight.

Have to.

Expectations.

My dad

Yesterday, me and my dad had a huge row. He was going on about me snacking, as he often does (I was having some hummus and Pringles), and I was fed up of him always going on about it. Then, he called me fat.

Now, my BMI says I’m in the normal, healthy range and all my friends say I’m a good weight (though they might just be being nice) — but this is my dad. My dad called me fat. My own dad. I was crying and telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t even give me space. I’ve suffered with bullying and self-esteem issues a lot in my life and he knows that, yet he continues to obsess over this.

I don’t know what to believe, to be honest; I told my cousin (whom has suffered from an eating disorder for quite a few years now) and she told me he was mad, that he should not be saying that at all, and that it was my body, not his. I love my cousin so much and she always knows what to do to make me feel better. He’s her blood uncle and we’re quite close with her family (even though we can’t see them as much as we’d like due to distance) so I was quite surprised when she was saying that he was in the wrong, considering she’s known him for her entire life (longer than she’s known me, by four years).

I’m really confused now because my mum doesn’t like getting involved (though now she’s arranged a healthy-eating plan, woohoo, even though I don’t snack that much anyway) so I don’t have her opinion on the matter. But my dad thinks I’m overweight and he’s my dad and you believe your dad, you know? More so than statistics, I guess…

I was crying for so long yesterday over this and I don’t know what to think. 😦

Thank you for reading this post,

Lia