Imagine

Imagine you have no tongue. It was chopped off at birth, just like they pretended your soul was, except your soul was just hidden behind ladders and ramps and hills. So you have no tongue, and you try to ask what’s going on, why are you being attacked, why is your mother over there but you’re over here? But you can’t. You’re scared, very scared, but you can’t express this fear. Your eyes are the only way of showing it but nobody looks into those, they just look at the rest of you.
The profit, as they call it.

You just want to be with your mum, you just want this to be all over with, you just want to live. But, again, you have no tongue. Because you have no tongue, you become an object. An ‘it’, rather than a she or a he. You are just another ‘it’, among a thousand ‘it’s. You don’t want to be an ‘it’. You want to be an individual. You have your own mind but it doesn’t count, because you have no tongue.

Your days go by quickly, you can’t differentiate between them. You don’t look forward to anything, or look back to anything, except the first moments you saw your mother. You wish you could still be with her. But you can’t be, because you are here, and she isn’t. You are in the area where she once was, though, getting the treatment she once got.

Being trampled by your friends because they have no choice, then being raped and forced to give up your baby, like she was, many times, then finally you are sent to the place where you will die. Some call it a slaughter house, you call it freedom, because death is better than the half-life you’ve been forced to live. Even if death is painful, which it often is, you still prefer it to before.

Nobody should have to want death. No one. Not even cows.

Whilst this post was about cows, it is also about all the other living beings still suffering. I don’t see how there is any justification for rape, just so we can get milk, which is intended for the babies, by the way. This is my way of thinking and I hope this post makes you think a bit about the industries you’re buying into.

Lia

Again?!

Today, I found out that yet another teacher has quit us, though this time it was after only one lesson (what a record!). When I messaged Rose to tell her of it, she didn’t believe me because it was so ridiculous. She’d been ill so hadn’t come in, thus was very unconvinced. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been messing around.

I used to be ashamed of my autism, upon my diagnosis, wanting to hide it and never telling anyone about it but, then, when I realised that teachers who knew about my condition started treating me differently… I felt like I didn’t want to be different, but that I had to be. I wasn’t like everyone else and I had to accept that. So, now that I’ve accepted my diagnosis, I understand what aspects of it affect me. Change is a big one, and I’ve already done a post on it which you can find here. After struggling with so many teachers leaving, I was told that this one would stay. Nope.

It’s just really upsetting for me and I almost want to just drop out but I know that my parents would get a fine if I did, so I can’t. I have to put up with it. This isn’t something anyone should have to go through (especially when the college gets Ofsted outstanding!!!), but it is especially difficult for people with my condition and I am just not gonna do well this year at all.

I’ve been so sad today and they don’t seem to see how this affects my mental state as well as my education. It’s honestly ridiculous and I wish I could just have not done Creative Writing (my dream course) at all because, although I love writing, this course is so messed up that it’s just destroying me, to be honest. The constant change of teachers, the teachers who we do have not knowing anything, I just can’t deal with it. I wish I could but I wasn’t built like that. This just sucks.

How do you deal with difficult circumstances? Do you get out the other end?

Lia

After post P.S: Why do I need to approve me linking to my own posts?! xD

AS Results

I realised I haven’t actually done a post on this yet so here I go. Just over a week ago, I received my AS results. Now, I did alright, really, considering, but I was so upset when I took the exams. Two out of three of them made me feel uncomfortable through reasons I couldn’t help. I think I’ve remarked before about how one invigilator made me feel uncomfortable and the other exam was really noisy and loads of people were outside it.

So, I got my results back, and I’d gotten a D in my creative writing exam (a C overall in both English exams — one was fine, the other was the loud and noisy exam). I was getting As throughout the year in creative writing so this made me really upset. I was happy with the C in English but I just couldn’t accept the D in that creative writing exam. Luckily, due to my grade A coursework in creative writing, overall I got a B. Although a B is really good, I am going to retake the exam because I know I can do better. The exam was awful because of how the invigilator made me feel and next time I’m getting my tutor to invigilate my exams, so that should be better. I just want my grades to add up. If I had been getting Bs throughout the year, maybe I would have accepted the D, but I was much more capable than a D.

I know I often talk down about myself and that, usually, I’d say “see, this D is my real ability” but I’m starting to see that I am alright. My grades show it; my coursework shows it, and I want to prove to myself that I can get another good grade in the exam. I can do it, which is why I’m going to retake. If I believe I can do it, then I’m already halfway there, aren’t I?

I’ve also been looking at a lot of results from fellow bloggers and gasping in awe at their GCSE results because mine were nowhere near as good! I’m so proud of you guys for your awesome results. 🙂

Lia