What Am I Doing With My Life?

So, two people in one day asked me the same question: what am I doing with my life? One conversation went something like this:

Them: Are you going to university?

Me: No.

Them: Are you working?

Me: No.

Them: Are you breathing…?

The other conversation was just a catch-up with an old friend, whom seems to have a really cool job as a teaching assistant with tiny children. I love children, so that seems fun. We talked a lot about our pets, and then about what we’re doing at the moment.

Anyway, it made me realise that people don’t understand me that well at all. These people that I’m friends with aren’t very similar to me. There is one friend I have who is very similar to me but we don’t meet up much, and it’s pretty much just her emailing me jokes that make me laugh. She thinks they’re not funny but they’re really my types of jokes!

So, I don’t have any prospects. I’m just an eighteen-year-old living with her parents. A lot of eighteen-year-olds live with their parents still, so I’m not too abnormal yet. My brother lives with my parents too — he’s nineteen! FYI: My mum moved out of her parent’s house at nineteen. I wish my brother took after her, because I really like the quiet. Just thinking is nice. And I can’t just think because he is constantly loud. I think I’ve complained about it a few times in blog posts… I have hyper-senses due to my autism, so every little sound really disturbs me! And he doesn’t even try to be quiet sometimes. The noise can be so loud…

Sorry for getting off topic! Basically, I think I should tell everyone a little thing about me: I don’t find it easy doing most jobs, or going to university. Both things involve interaction, and I have constant anxiety over every little thing, so something like that really wouldn’t work for me. I don’t know if I’ll get a job somewhen in the future, but right now, I don’t want one. I know that it would send my anxiety levels skyrocketing and my parents are fully supportive of me in everything I do. They want me to try working on my writing, but honestly, I’ve been stuck for ideas lately. Somewhen, I might go to university, or the open university, but it isn’t this year, or next. People need to live life at their own pace.

Not everyone should feel pressured to do what everyone else their age is doing. Sure, other people my age are at university or at a job: that isn’t me. Not right now, anyway. I have autism and it limits many of my social skills. Lots of people with autism do go to work or university, but I don’t find it works for me at the moment. I’m also pretty tired a lot of the time. I don’t know why, it’s kinda undiagnosed, but it stops me from being able to just go out and do things.

Remember that you shouldn’t feel like you have to do what the world is doing. You should do your own thing, be your own person. You can go to university if you want, that’s cool, but you should do it because you want to do it, not because everyone else is doing it. You can wait a year or two to try and figure out what you want to do in life. I want to be a cat, but unfortunately I haven’t figured out how yet. Maybe, one day…

Thanks for reading,

Lia

A Letter to My First & Second Bully

This letter is about two kinds of bullies. The first kind is the bully who is going through something tough and they’re just getting their anger out on someone weaker than them. The second kind is the one who either does it for popularity or just gets a thrill out of making someone suffer. This is a letter to my first two bullies; the first was someone going through something, the second smiled whenever I cried.

Dear my first bully,

I shouldn’t really call you a bully. You’re a human being. I don’t actually remember how you made me upset because all I remember now is the aftermath. You probably don’t recall, as we’re practically strangers now, but after we found out that you were going through a divorce, we became friends. Your mum and my mum were friends for a while too. I think we once went to pottery together.

I’m glad you were my first bully, though, because you made me realise that not all bullies are monsters. You were angry and hurt and you took it out on me and that’s okay. Although I wasn’t used to it when you bullied me, you helped me to develop an ignorance for what was to come, though it still hurt every single time they bullied me. I know you were a sweet boy behind it. It’s the school’s fault, usually, because they make up stuff about anti-bullying policies that they never stick to.

I forgave you so soon after because I saw the real you. You were only young too; we both were. I’m sure that you learned that it was wrong and that it never happened again. In fact, I think I’m positive of that, because of how a bully became a friend. Though we went our separate ways years ago, I still remember you. I think I won’t forget you.

Dear my second bully,

Nice friends you have to help you insult me. It would be harder to do it alone, wouldn’t it? You always have to come in a gang of three, like the movies, but you’re the ringleader, also like the movies. You never picked on anyone else whilst we were in the same class; not even that boy who everyone else picked on — you were friends with him. It was specifically me. Specifically me. Why? Because I was a girl but I wasn’t one of the popular, pretty ones. I had my hair tied up and I didn’t wear mascara. I also didn’t have my ears pierced. Bare in mind that I was eight, yet everyone else deemed it normal for girls of eight to be coating themselves in stuff. I don’t get it. But I was still a girl: weaker, more vulnerable than a boy. You also knew that I didn’t have confidence, regardless of the fact I stuck my hand up several thousand times. I did that to try and make myself feel better, but it always made me feel worse. Your sneering didn’t help. It never did.

You were also the type of bully that I would never report; you made sure of that. You were subtle, but threatening, and you made me cry in the toilets. Our teachers hated me (because I cried all the time), so they just moaned about me being a cry baby in parent evenings. I think my parents were shocked, but it meant that you could continue doing what you were doing. I didn’t cry much until I came into your path. Yours and theirs; all of the bullies, but you were definitely the leader. I could always tell that. You did it for an ego boost, a popularity boost, security. You needed to feel like you had value because you never cared for class, so your grades weren’t the best; so you bullied me.

Still, it made you smile. It always made you smile, and that sickens me. Funny how sick rhymes with your name, isn’t it? You were another boy, just like my first bully, but you never became my friend. I will also never forget you, because if you hadn’t happened, maybe it never would have gotten so bad. Maybe I wouldn’t have had crippling anxiety for years to come; anxiety so bad that important grades suffered. I would tap my fingers through exams, thinking and thinking about how my life came to that point. And at one stage, I came back to you. And I was always disappointed with my results. Always disappointed. I think I could have done better; I certainly studied a lot. I think all of it was because I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to get out of that room and run out of that gate, all of the time. Maybe you were involved in some way, psychologically messing with me, even though I hadn’t been at your school for a few years.

Thank you for making my life a misery.

Thanks for reading this post. If you’re getting bullied, it’s tough, and sometimes no one will help you (at least, in my case) but you will always get online support. I am always here and so are so many other people. It’s a hard time but you can get through it. 

Lia

 

The Blogger’s Story Award

Before I start, I need to give an explanation for my recent absence. As some of you might have noticed, I haven’t been on recently, and that’s because my laptop broke. It is fixed now though and so I can do posts again! Woo!

Firstly, I need to thank my awesome friend A New Chapter for nominating me! She is awesome and you need to go follow her, k?

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Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you
  • Showcase the award photo
  • Answer the questions
  • Nominate 3+ bloggers

    What’s your blog name and why did you call it that?

My blog name is Bamboo Chewer. Originally, it was Chewing Bamboo, but in an irrational moment of anxiety, I deleted that blog! [The next day I decided I’d made a mistake and then oops I couldn’t get it back so I had to create a new one. xD] I called it that because my pen name that I used on another site, though I have recently deactivated that, has used the idea of being a “panda”, so I like the idea of pandas in general. As well as this, being a vegan, I have a similar vegetation to pandas (in regards to not eating meat etc — I don’t eat bamboo aha ;P) and I also love to nap! I just love pandas, to be honest.

How long have you been blogging?

Oh a while now! I started in February but, as you know, I did delete my first blog — so this blog has been open for less time. So that’s about half a year! Wow!

How many followers do you have?

I currently have 85 followers! Thank you guys ❤

Who was your first follower?

On this blog, It was My Mind Speaks Aloud, and she is also one of my best friends. Please check her out! She’s amazing and I love her and I’m probably going to steal her cats sometime soon. 😉

What got you into blogging?

Me and my friend Thirteen Purple Roses decided to start blogging together as practice/revision for our creative writing a-level. It’s not something you can really learn so we thought that starting a blog was the perfect way to practice for the exams! It has also become such a passion for me and I love blogging! 🙂

What is your favourite part of blogging?

The community! Everyone is so lovely and welcoming to new bloggers. I always worried about getting followers and comments but I didn’t need to worry because everyone has been so lovely! 🙂 Also, I feel like I can really say whatever I want without the blogging community judging me, which is just awesome! 😀

If you could change one thing about WordPress, what would it be?

A private messaging feature. I have met a lot of lovely bloggers on here who I can’t really talk to outside of WordPress, but unfortunately, there is no way to get to know them better! I need a private messaging feature! Haha 🙂

Why do you continue to blog?

All of my friends asking me when my next post is due (and some, who don’t have blogs, sending me awesome messages in response to my blogs), all you lot with your awesome comments, the fact that it’s fun! Just a lot of reasons really 🙂

Nominations:

OK OK, so I know she has already been nominated but I do this thing of double-nominating her so she’ll do it sooner: My Mind Speaks Aloud 😉

I also nominate Thirteen Purple Roses

My third nomination is, um, you… you there! You, you, you. xD

Thank you for reading this,

Lia