Depression Is Why

Depression is easy.
When people leave you behind,
When they wish you well,
But don’t do anything to suggest
that they mean it —
When you’re left all alone,
Just a lonely girl in a room alone,
They’re going off to places
and you’re in the bathroom
crying,
but maybe they do like you;
they just don’t understand.
You want love, you crave it,
Like a cat or a dog,
It’s your energy, it keeps you going,
But seeing them happy
makes you smile for a moment,
Only a moment,
as you realise,
you’ll never be good enough
because you’re you and they’re them.
They can go into the world and embrace
the love of everyone around them,
because that’s what being normal is —
and you aren’t like them,
that’s why they left you alone.
You’re different.
You wouldn’t get on with the world.
Depression is why.
Anxiety is why.
Autism is why.
That’s why you cry,
You want to be a part of an art gallery
but you’re just the frame of a painting;
you’re there, to make the painting
look nicer, but the painting is the main
attraction.
What’s wrong with you?
You should be happy!
Depression, that’s why.

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Anxiety

Should I wear make-up? If I don’t, they’ll think I’m ugly. If I do, they’ll think I’m fake. 

How should I do my hair? As normal would be seen as boring but then maybe they won’t like the new one. 

Clothing! I always wear the same — but new stuff might be cool, but they might see me as weird.

What train should I get? I don’t want to get same train as them, ’cause they’ll think I’m following them, but then if I don’t, I’ll be late. 

Should I go into class? I mean, everyone probably hates me… but I have to learn.

There’s no chairs! Should I get a chair from another classroom, which would be awkward, or just stand here?

Should I answer this question? Should I? No, they’ll hate me! But then I could finally say something and be not invisible…

Should I talk to people? They’ll hate me but they’ll think I’m weird if I don’t…

Should I get this train or wait an hour, just so I can avoid so-and-so?

Should I do this, do that… What if — No I can’t ask that teacher a question! They’ll hate me! 

Should I message them? They’ll hate me if I do, but I need to speak to them… 

This is just a glimpse into what I think daily. My anxiety has sky-rocketed since I started college again. I can’t help my thoughts, however irrational they are — they just come at me and it’s such a suffocating feeling, having anxiety. It’s like you constantly live with someone else right besides you that’s telling you to do the opposite of what you want to do and so you can’t decide whether to go with you or with them. I get confused a lot and sometimes this anxiety just makes me hate my life. It is the dictator of my life and my decisions. It’s made me into a coward.

Lia