First Post of Year, I Guess

I think I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately which was why I haven’t posted yet this year. I’ve been sad and anxious and also ill physically so I didn’t really have a chance to, though I have posted one or two poems on my Instagram (@bamboochewer) and some pet and food photos during that time.

I guess I would say that I feel a bit like an alien. I do have friends but I don’t feel like I relate to humans, as such, because I’m so odd. I feel like I’d probably relate better to someone who doesn’t live on this planet but has recently come across it. Everyone there is a stranger to them and they look different and they act different. That’s how I’d describe how I feel.

I recently met up with a friend I’ve known since birth; however we haven’t seen each other for several years, since we were at school really. It was nice seeing her but I’m terrible at social interaction and immediately felt overwhelmed when she wanted to see me the second week. I like her a lot and I think she’s awesome but I always worry that I say the wrong things. I think I have said many wrong things across the years. I just blurt out things and most people end up hating me, which is why I don’t like meeting up with people regularly. I feel like… the more I see someone, the more they’ll realise that I’m a weirdo and the less they’ll want to see of me.

Also, most people don’t think about the world as I think of it, and I struggle to relate to people because of that. I think I have maybe one friend that has the exact same mindset as me; everyone else doesn’t understand, truly, how painful life is for me. I’d consider myself to be pretty empathetic and this empathy goes for all living beings, but it comes with great sadness. I see animals suffering and I want to help them so bad but I can’t. My autism prevents me from doing what I’ve always wanted to do; help animals! I love writing but I think, spiritually, I am that girl who talks to a butterfly and asks how it’s doing but then realises it will be dead soon and has a little funeral inside my head. I don’t talk to most people about these thoughts I have because they wouldn’t get it but I do feel like an alien for having them.

I think I’m going to do some things in my life, but I won’t do them until I’m a lot older. At least, that’s what my numerology says (I’ve become interested in it recently and my friend told me what it means for me). So maybe I’ll be like Greta Thunberg, just a granny version of her.

I like people a lot but there’s certain traits of people that I don’t understand. I think because I’m autistic, I like to see things in two ways. You either are something or you’re not, so when people say they’re in the middle of a way of thinking, I get a little confused.

We all have a purpose and I think I’m discovering my purpose as I move along in life. Your purpose can change over time too. Existing is a worthwhile purpose, if you can’t think of anything else. Existing is hard enough, so don’t worry about needing a greater purpose. Just being here is a challenge enough, sometimes.

And that concludes today’s random depressed and anxious musings.

Lia

Met Up With A Fellow Blogger!

So, after a pretty bad yesterday (where I felt really ill all day and it ended up with a lovely swollen lip and cut nose), I was really nervous about today because it was the day I was meeting with MyMindSpeaksAloud for the first time, after knowing each other for five years. I thought that maybe she’d hate me and I was really panicking over it.

After a pretty awkward start, we played Monopoly, The Game of Life, and a very… interesting version of Scrabble where you get awarded points for the inappropriateness of the word, rather than the length of the word/value of the letters. It was very interesting, indeed.

After that, we played Jenga in which we won one game each. I then showed her this app on my phone called Exploding Kittens (which basically was a card game where you have to avoid getting the exploding kitten). Finally, I got my mum’s laptop and we played some CurveFever together, which was what we normally play when we are talking to one another online.

It went a lot better than I expected and I really enjoyed her visit. I have felt really sad recently and it was such a good boost in my confidence!

Also, the surprise that she’s been hiding from me for several weeks, came in the form of a panda-covered notebook. It was awesome. I can’t believe I actually met her! 🙂

Thanks for reading this post,

Lia