Dear Eve: A New Idea

Before I start, I want to say thank you to Kel for inspiring me and allowing me to do this. He recently started a letter series addressed to someone called Joe, whom is made up, and I thought it was a really good idea. It helps you to get your thoughts out there. I’ve done a few letters in the past, but never directed towards a fictitious person, so I think it’s a really great idea. You can say exactly what’s on your mind, but also feel like you’re expressing it to someone, even if they’re imaginary. I hope this series works out for me too, and please go check out his blog!

Dear Eve,

I know you don’t know me yet but you will know me. You aren’t real and yet I feel like I’m talking to someone. This is my first letter to you and I hope there will be many more.

Do you like cats, Eve? Back in August I visited a cat cafe for the first time in my life, in London. My anxiety was high about going to London as it’s such a big city but it turned out okay I think. The cats were cute anyway. I wonder, would you be a cat person or a dog person? I have both cats and a dog but I’d consider myself a cat person. I do the ‘would I have one if I lived by myself?’ test. As I live with my family, it is easier for me to have a dog, but I don’t think I would be able to deal with one if I lived by myself. The training and walkies would be too much for me, I think. Cats, however, would definitely be there. That’s why I’m a cat person. Cats also don’t bark whenever the bell rings, unlike a certain pomchi.

I guess you could call me an anxious person, Eve. I think a lot. Too much. Even when I know a solid plan, I think about the many, many ways in which it could go wrong. For instance, I am going to a board game club (yay social life) and I am going to take a game that I quite like — Catopoly (I told you I’m a cat person) which is basically cat monopoly. However, I am extremely worried that no one else will like the game and it will be boring for them. I know some of them for sure like cats but I don’t know if they’ll like this game.

About the social life thing: I might go to a couple of clubs, but I’m not a very social person. Outside of that, there isn’t much I do. I do sometimes have a social life outside of these clubs but it is infrequent. The reason I started going to these clubs was because I wasn’t going out at all. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong impression of me, Eve. I wouldn’t want to lie to you about being a high-flying social butterfly.

Our house has been on the market for over a year and it still hasn’t sold. It did sell for a bit but then the buyer decided she actually couldn’t afford it so it’s been back on for a while now. It’s stressing me out, the viewings. Often, there is little warning of them and I love notice. So when there’s hardly any notice that I have to leave the house for the viewing, it stresses me out. I’m stressed a lot lately. There’s another viewing soon but I was given an acceptable amount of warning for it. It’s still stressful but less so than if I had been given less warning. We always have to take the dog out as he isn’t the friendliest to ‘intruders of our house’ (basically people he deems to be in his territory). We have a good guard dog. If someone ever attempts to break in, we will know before they get in the door.

I’m feeling quite tired now, Eve. Did you like my first letter? I hope it was okay for you. I really want to talk to you more in future letters. I write this in my bed, at half-past midnight, because I always find my thoughts most cluttered in the night. Thanks for helping me decluttering them, Eve, by letting me write you this letter.

Love,

Lia

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People Tell Me

People tell me I’m sensitive. What this means is that my heart is unlocked and you just need to climb inside it to see that I’m crying. People tell me I’m insensitive. What this means is that I picked up a pebble and threw it into the wind, but then it fell back down and was bigger than I first noticed. People tell me I’m beautiful. What this means is that my mind is a socket and people are plugging in a charger for my feelings. People tell me I’m ugly. What this means is that everyone else sat in a field of grass whilst I played in the mud. People tell me I’m smart. What this means is that I listened to thousands of other voices regurgitating the same spit. People tell me I’m dumb. What this means is that my life is an essay that I have yet to complete. People tell me a lot of things. What this means is that their lips keep determining, their eyes keep deducting, and their ears keep ignoring. I tell myself that I’m here. What this means is that I can focus on the snakes or the mice but, either way, I’m going to get bitten. Instead, I should focus on the most conflicting voice of all: my own.

The Reason I’m Still Vegan

So for Christmas 2015, my aunt made me some ice cream. Everything she does is lovely so I was ready to have it. Unfortunately, she’d made one mistake in the ingredients: honey. It’s the thing that a lot of people don’t classify as vegan (I even got a honey sesame snap bar for Christmas 2016!) so they tend to forget about it. I was having a dilemma about honey at that moment because I really didn’t want to disappoint her, she’d gone to so much effort, and at one point I was saying that I’d eat it — but I couldn’t eat it. Even though it was just honey, I felt so much guilt about eating it that I couldn’t. This guilt rises up in my heart and I know that I can’t change my habits.

There are two types of vegans: health vegans and moral vegans. I’m a moral vegan. I also hate breaking promises and I promised myself that I would not be tempted by anything, so I stuck to it. The few occasions I have accidentally had non-vegan stuff made me feel sick to my stomach with the guilt. I just felt like a horrible person, even though I know a lot of you probably eat it without thinking. I’m not trying to turn you, promise! I’m not like that. I’m the only vegan in my family so I’m around non-vegan substances all day. I’m quite proud that I haven’t intentionally had something but I know that if I realised something wasn’t vegan but I felt bad about not eating it, I would still not eat it, literally because of the feeling I get. I made so many mistakes in the first few months but now I’m doing a lot better!

The guilty feeling even comes when I’m eating something that tastes real but isn’t (vegan scrambled eggs!!!) because I feel like I’m breaking my promise, even though I’m not. I care so deeply for other animals, whatever they may be, wherever they may come from, that I find it easy to continue being a vegan. There are a lot of foods I liked before being vegan, but I know that there will always be alternatives, and the alternatives are usually just as good (vegan scrambled eggs, like seriously try them dudes) and I enjoy them a lot. Being a vegan is very personal to me and I am going to be a vegan for as long as I can, and I’m alright with you not being a vegan. We all have different values and we show our support to the causes we really believe in. This is a cause I believe in.

Thank you so much for reading this post,

Lia

My New Years Expectations

Usually, I’d do resolutions, which are what I want to achieve each year, but I never achieve them and it just makes me feel rubbish, so instead, I’m going to do my expectations! This is what I expect out of the year, instead of what I want to achieve.

  • I expect to get through my last remaining a-level, and to get an alright grade. If this was resolutions, I’d say I want an A, but for expectations, I expect a B. 🙂
  • I expect to feel rubbish some of the time, but that’s okay. That is okay. I cannot go through the entire year without feeling some sadness.
  • I expect to have my 18th with my family and friends. I want to forget the fact that I’m gonna be an adult and play board games and have pizza like a kid!
  • I expect my pets to be there throughout the year, making me feel good when I might feel down!
  • I expect it to be a better year than last year. Honestly, tomorrow, A Monster Calls is coming out in cinemas — if that isn’t a great start to the year, then I don’t know what is!
  • I expect to start writing more again. I’ve kind of been doing a lot of poetry recently on my Instagram (of the same name as my blog), but I haven’t been doing a lot of stories! I think I will pick up the story-writing pen again soon! 🙂
  • I expect to continue going to a group I’ve been going to and to enjoy most of it.
  • I expect to continue blogging, and to also get a custom domain — hopefully very soon! 🙂

    Thank you for reading!
    What are your expectations for the year?

    Lia

When I Was Younger

When I was younger, one time I went to my aunt’s house (probably for Christmas, as is the tradition), and my cousin’s boyfriend-at-the-time was there. He was a vegan and I’d never met a real-life vegan before. I didn’t understand veganism. Why on Earth would anyone choose tofu over bacon? I was definitely a lover of meat and a lover of cakes. I was your typical kid! Also, why was he not sitting on the perfectly-comfortable leather sofa?

Gradually, as the years went on, I realised that he wasn’t from an alien race. He just had different beliefs. I became a vegetarian one year, vegan the next, because of my beliefs. My brother and my dad eat meat and I’m okay with that, so when a friend apologises to me for eating meat in front of me, I’m used to it, and they shouldn’t be apologising. I want to get rid of the barrier that’s blocking meat-eaters and vegans. I want to hang with someone without having to explain why I’m not eating the same things as them. I want our beliefs to be separate and not to get mixed up, because that causes me tension. When people question my beliefs, I want to just shut my ears!

It. is. my. choice. 

Also, please don’t think negatively of all vegans because a few have pushed their beliefs strongly onto you and you’re sick of it. Living with meat-eaters, if I strangled them every time they ate meat, it’d be a daily habit! I don’t mind that they eat meat either. Obviously, I’d prefer it if I lived in a vegan household, for dinner conveniences, but them eating meat: that is their choice. I’m not going to blow up their choice and they shouldn’t blow up mine.

We make choices everyday. We have different beliefs. Yet, we continue as one society. Isn’t that something to be savoured, not destroyed? Terrorism is saying there is only one way to live, and that isn’t true. I believe we can all live in the way that makes us happiest. If that’s eating meat, or not, or eating cheese, or not, then just do it! I might believe one thing, you might believe another; I might cry when I think about how some animals suffer for this, you might not think about it at all — but we can live in harmony. We can live together, whatever.

I’m adopting a jaguar this year, for Christmas. Last year, it was a Snow Leopard for my birthday. I just want to make those creatures have a happy life, like us. That’s what makes me happy, so that is important. Whatever makes you happy is important too. 🙂

What makes you happy?

A-Levels: Mental Health

I’ve been struggling with the stress of a-levels for a long time now and then I realised: my mental health should come first. Having suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time, I was back into a cycle I couldn’t get out of when I started my second year. The constant change of creative writing teacher certainly didn’t help. Now, I might only be doing one a-level soon. I know, I know, only one!? It’s because I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks recently and we’ve been talking to the college about the stress.

You guys have to remember that, although good grades would be nice, you shouldn’t let them be harmful to your mental health.You matter and you will get through this. I believe in you! However stressful a-levels are, they will be done one day. Just remember that. Especially if you have had mental health problems in the past, I would speak to people about what the best course of action is for you. They can help you by breaking the work down or referring you to counselling or whatever you need. Just reach out if it’s all getting too much. People do care.

🙂

Lia

Looking Positively

A few days ago, I was at my cousin’s 21st birthday party and I met this Irish man with a very bad stutter. He was really funny though. I soon discovered that his stutter was the result of a serious car accident.

Yet he’s one of the most positive people I have ever met.

He told me that what’s done is done and that we must deal with it in the most optimistic way possible. I was quite saddened by the recent referendum result but this piece of advice has made me think: he’s right. It is done and we can’t keep getting angry and sad over it; we have to accept it in a positive way. It might be hard to see it in a positive light but it’s much more easy on you to see it in that way. We can’t change the past but we can change the way we view the present in order to change our future. The future might be the same but it can appear to be different dependant on how we view it. So view events positively and your future will be positive.

This can go for anything. Whatever happens in your life, it has happened and you have to accept that. By accepting it and looking at the outcome more positively, you can have a happier life in general.

I hope you enjoyed this post,

Lia