Anxiety

Should I wear make-up? If I don’t, they’ll think I’m ugly. If I do, they’ll think I’m fake. 

How should I do my hair? As normal would be seen as boring but then maybe they won’t like the new one. 

Clothing! I always wear the same — but new stuff might be cool, but they might see me as weird.

What train should I get? I don’t want to get same train as them, ’cause they’ll think I’m following them, but then if I don’t, I’ll be late. 

Should I go into class? I mean, everyone probably hates me… but I have to learn.

There’s no chairs! Should I get a chair from another classroom, which would be awkward, or just stand here?

Should I answer this question? Should I? No, they’ll hate me! But then I could finally say something and be not invisible…

Should I talk to people? They’ll hate me but they’ll think I’m weird if I don’t…

Should I get this train or wait an hour, just so I can avoid so-and-so?

Should I do this, do that… What if — No I can’t ask that teacher a question! They’ll hate me! 

Should I message them? They’ll hate me if I do, but I need to speak to them… 

This is just a glimpse into what I think daily. My anxiety has sky-rocketed since I started college again. I can’t help my thoughts, however irrational they are — they just come at me and it’s such a suffocating feeling, having anxiety. It’s like you constantly live with someone else right besides you that’s telling you to do the opposite of what you want to do and so you can’t decide whether to go with you or with them. I get confused a lot and sometimes this anxiety just makes me hate my life. It is the dictator of my life and my decisions. It’s made me into a coward.

Lia

 

 

Advertisements

Exclusion

To exclude: deny (someone) access to a place, group, or privilege.

Have you ever been excluded?

What did it feel like?

To me, the feeling of being excluded is something I constantly feel, when people choose to do something together

and I’m not included.

It is something I feel so, so much that I end up beating myself up for it. I’ve felt this feeling so much and it’s one of the main contributors to my lack of self-confidence. If I’m not included, then obviously I’m not good enough, and therefore I must be a terrible person in some way.

I get so lonely and this makes me feel even lonelier.

I want to not feel lonely but that’s not a possibility with this constant exclusion.

I just wish I was better, I guess.

I’m Back!

I was on holiday, but now I’m back.

I’m pretty tired after it all but I got greeted with a lovely jumpy Pablo, which was great. I still can’t really relax much as I’m going to my cousin’s birthday on Sunday, which is quite a few hours away as well!

My holiday consisted of sleeping, going to a seal sanctuary (where I wanted to steal the otters), going to Penzance (where we have previously stayed, and also where my mum forced me around 29328392832 charity shops), going to Trebah gardens (which was pretty spectacular), and then sighing this morning as I read the referendum result.

As you might know, I’m autistic, and this means that change in any form is very daunting for me. Even small changes affect me but this is a change that will affect my future, my life, everything. I don’t like it. I really don’t. It is so scary… and the uncertainty of it…

My holiday was pretty good until that point; apparently Cornwall is much more dog-friendly than Sussex! I saw dogs everywhere, even in shops, which is a rarer sight in Sussex. I stayed in this caravan, too, which was nice but I had to make my mum buy me paper plates and cups as the ones in the caravan were too dirty for me.

I shall be posting more frequently again. I tend to be a spontaneous writer, rather than a planner, which was why there were no scheduled posts whilst I was away. I don’t like things that aren’t fresh! 😉

How has your week been? What are your thoughts on the EU referendum?

Thank you for reading,

Lia