Rain Clouds

Everyone has a little box in their brain

full of rain clouds

that will never go away.

They’re the rain clouds

you can’t let fade,

because they’re the darkness

you need to keep.

They’re tightly sealed,

until those days

when you think about them.

My box is full to the brim,

and rain clouds are fighting

to get out every day,

and more are getting leaked.

They fill the parts of me

I don’t want them to fill,

and rain is getting in the way.

My happiest thoughts become

soaked in rain.

And me?

I’m already drenched.

There’s no saving

a soggy piece of paper.

I Think

I think

that I exist,

I think

that it’s real,

I think

that we’re alive,

I think

all of that,

but what do I know?

Nothing.

Because knowledge is

never definite,

as it could all just be

an illusion;

rain, sun, snow,

the world,

the stars…

We’ll never know

whether our eyes

are actually there

or whether all of this

is a dream.

I think I can touch it

but I know I can feel it.

I think I can see it

but I know I can think it.

Urges

Urges send my hands reaching,

clawing at what they want,

but then I stop them.

I have to stop them.

Urges control my mind,

every thought in it

wants the same thing.

Happiness, sadness,

anger, they all become one.

One spear aimed at the heart.

Whether it misses or not,

that’s up to me,

and whether I listen

to my mind.

The spear misses this time.

The Box and The Ball

The box is blue.

Inside the box is a ball.

The ball is red.

The ball doesn’t want to be inside the box.

The ball would much rather be inside a red box.

The ball jumps.

The box doesn’t move.

The ball learns to accept that it is stuck with the blue box.

The box doesn’t want the red ball to be inside it.

The box tries to open.

The box is stuck.

The box tries to crush the ball.

The box can’t get rid of it.

The box learns to accept that it is stuck with the red ball.

A yellow car comes.

In one movement, the yellow car crushes the blue box.

The blue box crushes the red ball.

The red ball suffocates.

If only, the yellow car had avoided them.

If only, the blue box had opened up.

If only, the red ball had jumped out.

Moving

I’ve lived in the same house for my entire life — 18 years.

Today my parents accepted an offer on our house. It means that it’s real, that I’m actually going to be moving somewhere. A chalet bungalow. I don’t want to leave this house. I really don’t. It’s terrifying, the thought of never being in it again… the house I spend most of my days in, all of my nights in.

Why do I have to leave it?

My heart is crumbling, piece by piece, because this is the house I have lived in for so long. Every second I think about the new house, a part of my heart vanishes, because it’s only going to get closer to the day I have to leave.

I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve dealt with changes before, but never such a massive one. This is the biggest change I will ever face and how can I live with it? I don’t know.

All I know is that it’s scaring me so much. I’ve never felt this scared before, because I always had the security of returning to this house. Now that’s going to be gone too.

The Thing About Selective Mutism

I have selective mutism. No, it doesn’t mean that sometimes I choose not to talk. It means that I physically can’t talk in those moments. I want to talk but the words will not come out. In fact, there’s not much selective about it.

For me, these incidents can occur if I get a certain vibe off someone, and I don’t like them, or if I’m in social situations, particularly in large groups. I have good days and bad days. Some days I can speak freely and other days I can’t.

My mum once took me to a counsellor but my body refused to speak to her, so it was deemed useless. This was because I didn’t like her and found she had a certain tone in her voice that scared me. It’s important that people speak to me in a certain way, and if they don’t, sometimes I won’t respond.

I also usually don’t talk to people at first, until I feel comfortable with them. If you ask me a question, though, I’ll usually respond. Sometimes, it might just be a gesture though, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk. I just need to get into it.

It has actually gotten to the point where my mum talks for me most of the time because she’s worried I won’t say anything. It shocks her when I do speak up as it can be very unexpected. If I’m feeling more confident that day, I might talk more.

I find talking online a lot easier than in real life. It means I can put across thoughts that would never cross my lips. I like interacting with people, and talking to them, but I am normally not the one to start the conversation.

It’s hard not being able to talk when I want to all the time. Like the words are right on the edge of coming out, but they just don’t. My thoughts become overwhelmed with words that never came out and sometimes, I might just explode in a fury of thoughts later on to my mum. She doesn’t always like how much I talk to her, but I can’t help it! It’s what is stored up from earlier.

I can come across as rude for not talking when spoken to, but that’s out of my control. I hope this post helps people to better understand selective mutism.

Lia

Q + A Answers

Note that not all of these questions were asked on the blog, some people preferred to message or email me the questions.  Here goes:

 

I like that you tagged this post with #lol – what is the craziest/funniest tag you’ve ever used?
I’ve used a ton of crazy/funny tags. I literally don’t care whether the tag is irrelevant. If I want to use it, I’ll use it. I pretty much use at least one irrelevant tag each time hahaha.

If you were to live in a box, what kind of box would you live in?
A big box. Like, the size of a house. It would also be so thick that rain couldn’t penetrate the walls. I would have a slightly smaller box as a garage.

Light or dark?
Dark because, if there is the slightest bit of light in my room at night, I can’t sleep. Also, I love the sky at night.

Favourite sound?
Music. Of course. If you’re referring to non-musical sounds, then I like the sound that you get when you wet your finger and put it around a wineglass, though that’s semi-musical. I think all sounds are kinda music in their own way.

If you were in the middle of a field and saw a lake, what is the first thing you’d do?
Look for ducks, duh.

If you had to live in one place for the rest of your life (real life and/or fictional), where would it be?
I’m tempted by Hogwarts but that’s a school so you can’t live there forever, you have to become an independent witch/wizard. So I’ll go for a real life location: France. It’s hot, but not as hot as places like Spain, and it has such a lovely language and it’s beautiful and I just would really like to live there.

Five people you’d like to be stranded on a desert island with?
MyMindSpeaksAloud because she would have remembered her music when she got stranded, so we’d have some awesome tunes to listen to.
My mum because she’d make me feel calm when I felt lost.
It’s a shame that it has to be people because I know a few animals…
Patrick Ness so he can make a story about the desert island and I’d be a famous character.
Einstein, if he were alive, because, come on, the smartest man in the world. He’d get us out of there in no time.
Also a guy who has a sack of potatoes because potatoes are not only delicious, they are also very good conductors and you could start an electric supply out of potatoes.

Five people who you wouldn’t want to be stranded on a desert island with?
A serial killer. That’d be bad.
My dad because he’d tell me not to snack… on a desert island. Seriously!
A kid because I’d feel so sad that they’re all out her by themselves that I wouldn’t think about anything else and I’d just cry forever.
The prime minister. They’d tell me they were getting us off the island, but would never do it.
Donald Trump because, come on, it’s Donald Trump.

What made you start writing?
I started writing because I had a passion for it. There was no other reason. Nothing inspired me, I was a kid at the time, I just wanted to write, and I had a big imagination that needed to be let out.

Imagine you were a cat for the day, what would you do?
Sleep and not be judged. Also, express how I feel about people in meows and purrs so they think I’m being sweet when I’m not.

Do you belong to any clubs/groups?
At the moment, I’m part of a lady’s autism group. I don’t feel like a lady, I’m only eighteen, but that’s what it’s called. Because we’re all adults and female. I like it, though.

What is your favourite take away?
There’s this pizza place near me called Pizzaface and they do great take away vegan pizzas.

What is your favourite TV crime drama and why?
Probably Death in Paradise because it’s funny and cleverly written.

What is your favourite quote?
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited, imagination encircles the world.” – Albert Einstein.

If you could go back and relive your life from any point and still have your current memories but also have the ability to change what you originally did, would you?
I’d go back to when I was six and become a really smart child because I have all these memories. I’d be like a genius for a good few years. Also, I’d become more confident in myself and wouldn’t withdraw. I’d finally stand up for myself.

If your life was made into a movie, which actors would you want to portray you and your family members?
Hard question! I think Saoirse Ronan for me, Jennifer Aniston for my mum because she would love someone attractive to play her, Jude Law for my dad, and Chris Hemsworth for my brother. I know he’s over 30 but I mean, come on?? Like, I’d get to meet him on the set and everything…

If you could gain an ability/skill that you don’t have now, what would it be?
The ability to read minds. I really need to know what people actually think of me.

If you could only be remembered for one thing, what would it be?
Oo hard. Maybe my writing?

What is your theory of how Game of Thrones will end/who do you think will sit on the iron throne at the end?
I hope it’s Daenerys, and that Jon Snow is her right-hand man.

Carpet or hard floor?
Tough one. Hard floor is cold but carpet collects dust… Carpet because, although bad for my asthma, it feels nice on the feet.

Thank you so much for all these questions! I hope you enjoyed the answers.
Lia

300 Followers?! Q+A

So I woke up this morning to 300 followers on my blog, which I think is so cool, considering I only ever started blogging to get into a regular writing pattern for my creative writing a level. Now, I’m no longer doing that a level but this blog is kinda a part of me now haha.

So, I didn’t do a Q+A at 200, but I’ve decided I’m going to do one for 300. So that means you can just send me in questions about anything and I’ll answer them. Whatever you want to ask, go ahead.

Thank you so much for this milestone,

Lia

Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be honest.

I’m in a black hole

that’s sucking me in deeper,

and I’m trying to reach —

reach for the stars, as they say,

but I can never make it.

Let’s be honest.

I’ve been like this for a while,

sleep is my companion

and my worst enemy,

I don’t have the motivation

to get motivation,

I don’t have the aspiration

to get aspirations,

I don’t have the strength

to get strength.

Let’s be honest.

I’m sorry I can’t pull myself away,

from the same muddled day

I’ve been living for too long,

it’s a blurred mess.

Let’s be honest,

I’m depressed.

Thursday & Friday

I went out two days in a row – Thursday & Friday, and it was pretty draining because, to me, going out two days in a row is daunting. I just get exhausted easily. I was actually going to go out three days in a row, but the guy that was supposed to be viewing our house cancelled last minute because he didn’t like the location. We’d already cleaning it and got ready and he cancelled. It was kinda annoying because I’d prepared myself for going out.

On Thursday, my mum surprised me with some Sylvanian Families — more precisely, babies!! They were adorable so I went out with her to get some more. I haven’t had any in so many years and it was really nice to rekindle that interest. The toy shop we went to was awesome too, will definitely be visiting again. We had dinner at Pizza Express because it was open and other places we would’ve gone to weren’t. I had a nice vegan pizza and my mum had a non-vegan one. I saw a girl that I recognised from the group I was going to later there, but I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to bother her/didn’t have the confidence.

So, I went to the group after Pizza Express and it was quite good because A DOG WAS THERE AND SHE WAS THE SWEETEST! It’s a once a month group, I think I mentioned my first meeting in a previous lot, but this was the second time I’ve attended. It’s for autistic women and I’m the youngest member, being only 18, whilst most of the others are quite a bit older. They seem nice though; I don’t mind the age gap. The idea is to talk about what happened that month for the first half and then discuss a topic in the second half. I guess I didn’t mind talking in the first half because I had the dog on my lap and she was adorable. She was kinda big for my lap but it really helped with my confidence. She’s supposedly a trained therapy dog, though when someone acted out crying she didn’t go help. Maybe she sensed they were acting? Later some people did actually cry and she didn’t go help either, I think she was too busy being cute. I won’t hold it against her, because she’s lovely.

In the second half, I got really anxious because I wanted to say something but, as it wasn’t in turns like the first half, didn’t feel I could speak up. I didn’t want to interrupt anyone. So I kinda just huddled into myself and stayed quiet.

Friday was a good day because I saw three cats outside of my home. Firstly, I went to MyMindSpeaksAloud’s house to play games! That was really fun. We played Monopoly Deal, Exploding Kittens (app version), Meow Meow/Mauns Mauns (fave game), Monopoly (Stranger Things version), and Bananagrams. I also had soup there, which was very nice. It was so great hanging out with her, as I don’t get to go out much or hang with people my age so it was really lovely. She also returned the DVD I lent her ages ago that she had only just watched the night before. I also saw her cats — Jasper and Monty!! Jasper is kinda timid but he was more approachable than he had been last time I saw him. Monty was so sweet and loving and just awesome. He’s adorable, ahh.

I left and went to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. I had vegan shepherd’s pie and they had chilli. This is where I got to see the third cat of the day — Haku! He has such soft fur. He’s also really sweet. I don’t normally get to see him when I come as we usually bring Pablo and he hides, so it was really nice to see him. He was very cute. It was nice to see them as well as I don’t see them that much usually.

It was a long car journey home, but worth it because I got to see three awesome… cats. Yeah, you thought I was gonna say humans, but nope. The cats. The only reason I went there. The people were OK.

Also, my dad set fire to a shelf on Saturday (yesterday). Good job, father.

Thanks for reading,

Lia