My Five Minutes of Fame

http://www.worthingherald.co.uk/news/girl-writes-poem-about-having-autism-1-7766168

This article is my five minutes of fame, I think? My local newspaper interviewed me last week and then today the article was published online and I think it might be out in print later this week.

It’s kinda awesome, in a way, apart from the terrible photograph. My dad sent off the poem and then was like “oh, by the way, I just sent off one of your poems to the newspaper” and I was like “oh cool” without thinking much of it, because honestly, I didn’t think they would respond. But they did, and now I’m in the newspaper.

You can read it if you like but, if you’ve seen my Instagram, you will already have read the poem on there. 🙂

Again?!

Today, I found out that yet another teacher has quit us, though this time it was after only one lesson (what a record!). When I messaged Rose to tell her of it, she didn’t believe me because it was so ridiculous. She’d been ill so hadn’t come in, thus was very unconvinced. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been messing around.

I used to be ashamed of my autism, upon my diagnosis, wanting to hide it and never telling anyone about it but, then, when I realised that teachers who knew about my condition started treating me differently… I felt like I didn’t want to be different, but that I had to be. I wasn’t like everyone else and I had to accept that. So, now that I’ve accepted my diagnosis, I understand what aspects of it affect me. Change is a big one, and I’ve already done a post on it which you can find here. After struggling with so many teachers leaving, I was told that this one would stay. Nope.

It’s just really upsetting for me and I almost want to just drop out but I know that my parents would get a fine if I did, so I can’t. I have to put up with it. This isn’t something anyone should have to go through (especially when the college gets Ofsted outstanding!!!), but it is especially difficult for people with my condition and I am just not gonna do well this year at all.

I’ve been so sad today and they don’t seem to see how this affects my mental state as well as my education. It’s honestly ridiculous and I wish I could just have not done Creative Writing (my dream course) at all because, although I love writing, this course is so messed up that it’s just destroying me, to be honest. The constant change of teachers, the teachers who we do have not knowing anything, I just can’t deal with it. I wish I could but I wasn’t built like that. This just sucks.

How do you deal with difficult circumstances? Do you get out the other end?

Lia

After post P.S: Why do I need to approve me linking to my own posts?! xD

Anxiety and Trains

Train strikes are not good for people with anxiety. I was standing around for my train, which wasn’t direct and meant I had to change at a weird stop, and I was shaking as it kept getting delayed and I got confused.

I started walking back, really sad, when a familiar face appeared. She told me it was okay and made me follow her. Then, she found her friend and stood with him but I was too anxious of being late to get on the train, so I left again. I just couldn’t do it.

I was in tears to my mum, knowing I’d already missed so many days, but my anxiety feels like it’s destroying my life sometimes. It takes away everything from me: social interaction, education, independence. People say for me to just stop thinking about it but I can’t and the more I try not to think about it, the more I end up thinking about it.

This is really affecting my college work and my life in general and it just sucks. I wish I could get over it, but I can’t. It’s just always there, hanging on the wall, spiking my toes, clawing its way through my ears, my lungs.

I just want it gone but it never goes. Never.

Lia

Change and Autism

We all go through change — everyone, whether it’s moving house or just trying a new cereal, it’s all the same thing: change. Change can be minor or major but, in the end, it can change a lot of other things as well. For instance, I changed as a person when I transferred school in year nine. I made some really good friends there and that made me gain confidence. However, my confidence has dropped again since starting college.

Change, to most people, can be a daunting thing; you don’t know what to expect from it. For instance, if I had been allowed to vote, I would have voted in for the EU referendum, because of the change that leaving would entail. We left and I’m having to adjust to that. On the other hand, today we went to a new cafe I have not been in before (as opposed to the usual one we go to) and I was really sad and had a mini-meltdown because it wasn’t the normal one. Then my food came and it was so well-presented and nice and they’d really taken into consideration my veganism that I just couldn’t hate the cafe. I realised that it was actually quite nice. It just wasn’t what I was used to.

If you’re autistic, change is an even more terrifying thought, because we like routine and to have an interruption to that routine makes us intensely stressed. At college, I have always had the same teacher and the same class for English and that is nice for me because it is the same. I have however had five teachers in total so far for creative writing, as well as the classes merging at the beginning of the year (making a massive class, which I can’t stand) and it really feels like they don’t care about our happiness: just funding. The change has really impacted me in a negative way so much so that I haven’t been to college as much as I should be. I also haven’t been because I have to read a potentially-triggering book in English. So, basically, my attendance is bad.

I cried my first day of creative writing, at the break, (though I didn’t tell anyone and only one teacher noticed and she kept pestering me but I was just like “no I don’t need anyone k thanks”) because the change was so extreme. It doesn’t seem like they have taken into consideration what effect this could have on me and my class. I think everyone hates the change but it is just annoying for the rest of the class: for me, it’s terrifying.

Change is hard but sometimes you have to adapt to the change in environment, survival of the fittest and all that, though sometimes, if it’s negative change that could have been prevented, it feels like there is no one who understands the agony it causes me. If I get anxious over a change in cafes, just imagine me adapting to my. fifth. teacher. Not all change is negative though, remember that. Changing schools was one of the best things that happened to me because I met A New Chapter and another really cool person who doesn’t have a blog.

How do you feel about change?

Lia

Self-harm

I understand that this is a really sensitive subject, but I want this blog to be as honest as possible, and, to do that, I need to share my experiences.

I have self-harmed since the age of twelve and still do, though not as regularly as I used to. At first, it was just sharp rocks that were at my school underneath the trees; the sharpest I could find weren’t that sharp, either. But I liked them because I could hurt myself without marks being left behind. My pastoral carer at the school suspected me of self-harm and one time he made me lift my sleeves. However, because of the instrument I used, he couldn’t find much proof, so couldn’t help me. I didn’t want to be helped. I liked the pain.

But the rocks didn’t give me enough pain so I turned to nail scissors. Sharp, small, easy. They were amazing for giving me the satisfaction whilst leaving clean cuts, which had very minimal scarring. I have cats too, so any leftover marks could have just been the cat, or so I said. Eventually, I decided that nail scissors weren’t enough, so I turned to the sharpest knife I could find. And God, did it leave scars.

Once my parents found out, they removed everything visible from my room but they didn’t realise that you can use anything to self-harm. Anything. Your own finger-nails, an elastic band (I used to wrap them several times around my fingers until the circulation was cut off and they were really sore), really just anything. Sometimes I’d self-harm in the way of making myself vomit and I even told people but, because I was of normal weight, they let me go (and probably continue doing it). It didn’t matter that stuff was taken away from me; I didn’t care. I would find a way.

I tend to do it in an irrational moment of madness when my social fears get so bad that I feel I need pain to distract myself from them. Sometimes, I just want the world to end, because I can’t deal with my emotions, and when the world continues to thrive, I cut. Now, it is quite irregular, sometimes being every day, other times I won’t do it for a month. Really, my mood is like a see-saw. I can be so happy and then something happens that makes my emotions go anti-clockwise and I’m sad. It’s a kind of sadness where you want to die but you don’t want to do it to yourself because then your family will be asking all kinds of questions; it’s the kind where you just wish someone would do it for you. The happiness I feel, though, is because of my loving family and pets and, occasionally, friends, though I don’t have many. The sadness I feel is because of everything else. It all adds up. One small thing at a time then another thing and a bigger thing and a massive thing and I’m self-harming.

At the moment, I’m undergoing a lot of stress on my autism at college, because people with autism can sometimes struggle with change and I’ve had so much change recently. FYI: I have had five lecturers for my creative writing course in the just-over-a-year I’ve been there. The classes were also merged. It has been very hard for me. As well as this, I don’t find anyone who I particularly bond with at college; no one who understands me. My main friends aren’t at my college and they’re amazing, but I can’t see them very often.
When I was twelve, something bad happened to me, which I won’t go into detail about, but basically we’re also studying this book in English, and I really don’t want to study it because I’ve heard what the content is from someone who’s already read it and it could be triggering to me.

Basically, I’m trying my hardest to stay clean, but there are little events at the moment that are trying to push me to do it. I’ve emailed my lecturer but she just said “read through it” — and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do, in case I get triggered.

Unfortunately, I feel deeply misunderstood in a lot of areas of my life, and I feel like soon another moment of irrational thinking could turn into some more scars. I hope not but I feel like this desire to inflict pain on myself to distract from how I feel will always be here. It’s been here for five years; it’s not going away soon.

I hope you understand this post and I’m sorry if you’ve had experiences with self-harm. Just to let you know, I’m here for you.

Lia

I try

I try to be a nice person. I try. It isn’t enough though because people still think I’m terrible. I was trying to do a nice thing by commenting on this girl I know’s blog regularly, making her know someone was reading it, and giving her nice comments. I was just trying to be nice. I did it anonymously though, so she didn’t know who had said the nice things. She replied to me at the time, thanking me and whatnot.

I checked her blog again today only to find she’d deleted all my comments. Every single one. Every single nice comment I’d made. I’m just done.

I’m obviously not a nice person. I try to be but I probably won’t ever be. I’m just nothing, I guess. Just nothing.

Sorry

I guess I haven’t posted for a while.

I just haven’t been feeling so good, both mentally and physically. It was really hot today and I don’t like the heat because it makes me feel ill. I did have a nice day out with my mum though, but that was a temporary boost. Right now, I’m sad again. It’s just the worry, the constant worry, of not knowing what to do or whether I’m doing it right or whether I’m liked or what they want or I don’t know – just everything. It all gets on top of me.

It’s like I’m at the bottom of the ocean and I’m trying to swim up but my leg is caught in a rock and I’m running out of oxygen and then my oxygen tank just bursts and I’m gasping and I’m gasping and I drown.

I’m sorry I’m being so negative; I’m just so worried about stuff. I can’t deal with anything; I’m not ready to do anything. I can’t grow up, I’m not ready, I’m not. I’m really not ready. It’s so scary.

Sorry, hope you guys are okay. 🙂

I’m Back!

I was on holiday, but now I’m back.

I’m pretty tired after it all but I got greeted with a lovely jumpy Pablo, which was great. I still can’t really relax much as I’m going to my cousin’s birthday on Sunday, which is quite a few hours away as well!

My holiday consisted of sleeping, going to a seal sanctuary (where I wanted to steal the otters), going to Penzance (where we have previously stayed, and also where my mum forced me around 29328392832 charity shops), going to Trebah gardens (which was pretty spectacular), and then sighing this morning as I read the referendum result.

As you might know, I’m autistic, and this means that change in any form is very daunting for me. Even small changes affect me but this is a change that will affect my future, my life, everything. I don’t like it. I really don’t. It is so scary… and the uncertainty of it…

My holiday was pretty good until that point; apparently Cornwall is much more dog-friendly than Sussex! I saw dogs everywhere, even in shops, which is a rarer sight in Sussex. I stayed in this caravan, too, which was nice but I had to make my mum buy me paper plates and cups as the ones in the caravan were too dirty for me.

I shall be posting more frequently again. I tend to be a spontaneous writer, rather than a planner, which was why there were no scheduled posts whilst I was away. I don’t like things that aren’t fresh! 😉

How has your week been? What are your thoughts on the EU referendum?

Thank you for reading,

Lia

Judging

So, I was at my autism group today — as I go to most Tuesdays, excluding next week because I’m on holiday! — and there was a new boy. Well, two new boys, but this particular new boy is the one I’m gonna talk about because this isn’t the first time I’ve seen him.

In fact, we were at school together for years, in the same class, and he was alright – sometimes a bit annoying but sometimes nice. He had a few anger problems and I remember this one incident when he pushed a girl to the ground and she really over-exaggerated it, claiming she couldn’t remember anything, just because she was quite attention-seeking and manipulative. To be honest, I was glad he pushed her over — but that’s not the point! He got in trouble for that, and we just thought he had behavioural issues, but we never found out the reason.

I found out today though. It was a very late diagnosis, apparently, even later than mine — but I now see those memories so differently to how I did before. Before, I saw him as a boy with anger issues; now, I see him as more similar to me than I thought. He was nice today but it’s made me think.

Lots of people have issues that are invisible; like me, like him, and they get judged for them because they’re invisible. People wonder why they’re so out of sorts but then they don’t know the real reason. I didn’t know the real reason but now I do and I guess my mind feels a bit cleaner, if you get what I mean. He didn’t know the reason either but now he does. We both do, I guess.

Someone might get angry, or they might assume, but that isn’t their fault and you should make sure you make them feel appreciated. Don’t ignore them, don’t leave them out; if you give them the friend they want, maybe they won’t get angry, or maybe they won’t assume. We just want to be understood and once we’re understood, then we’ll be happy, and you can be happy too. 🙂

Thank you so much for reading this post

Got any suggestions? I’m open!

Lia 🙂