I’ve lived in the same house for my entire life — 18 years.

Today my parents accepted an offer on our house. It means that it’s real, that I’m actually going to be moving somewhere. A chalet bungalow. I don’t want to leave this house. I really don’t. It’s terrifying, the thought of never being in it again… the house I spend most of my days in, all of my nights in.

Why do I have to leave it?

My heart is crumbling, piece by piece, because this is the house I have lived in for so long. Every second I think about the new house, a part of my heart vanishes, because it’s only going to get closer to the day I have to leave.

I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve dealt with changes before, but never such a massive one. This is the biggest change I will ever face and how can I live with it? I don’t know.

All I know is that it’s scaring me so much. I’ve never felt this scared before, because I always had the security of returning to this house. Now that’s going to be gone too.

Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be honest.

I’m in a black hole

that’s sucking me in deeper,

and I’m trying to reach —

reach for the stars, as they say,

but I can never make it.

Let’s be honest.

I’ve been like this for a while,

sleep is my companion

and my worst enemy,

I don’t have the motivation

to get motivation,

I don’t have the aspiration

to get aspirations,

I don’t have the strength

to get strength.

Let’s be honest.

I’m sorry I can’t pull myself away,

from the same muddled day

I’ve been living for too long,

it’s a blurred mess.

Let’s be honest,

I’m depressed.

Thursday & Friday

I went out two days in a row – Thursday & Friday, and it was pretty draining because, to me, going out two days in a row is daunting. I just get exhausted easily. I was actually going to go out three days in a row, but the guy that was supposed to be viewing our house cancelled last minute because he didn’t like the location. We’d already cleaning it and got ready and he cancelled. It was kinda annoying because I’d prepared myself for going out.

On Thursday, my mum surprised me with some Sylvanian Families — more precisely, babies!! They were adorable so I went out with her to get some more. I haven’t had any in so many years and it was really nice to rekindle that interest. The toy shop we went to was awesome too, will definitely be visiting again. We had dinner at Pizza Express because it was open and other places we would’ve gone to weren’t. I had a nice vegan pizza and my mum had a non-vegan one. I saw a girl that I recognised from the group I was going to later there, but I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want to bother her/didn’t have the confidence.

So, I went to the group after Pizza Express and it was quite good because A DOG WAS THERE AND SHE WAS THE SWEETEST! It’s a once a month group, I think I mentioned my first meeting in a previous lot, but this was the second time I’ve attended. It’s for autistic women and I’m the youngest member, being only 18, whilst most of the others are quite a bit older. They seem nice though; I don’t mind the age gap. The idea is to talk about what happened that month for the first half and then discuss a topic in the second half. I guess I didn’t mind talking in the first half because I had the dog on my lap and she was adorable. She was kinda big for my lap but it really helped with my confidence. She’s supposedly a trained therapy dog, though when someone acted out crying she didn’t go help. Maybe she sensed they were acting? Later some people did actually cry and she didn’t go help either, I think she was too busy being cute. I won’t hold it against her, because she’s lovely.

In the second half, I got really anxious because I wanted to say something but, as it wasn’t in turns like the first half, didn’t feel I could speak up. I didn’t want to interrupt anyone. So I kinda just huddled into myself and stayed quiet.

Friday was a good day because I saw three cats outside of my home. Firstly, I went to MyMindSpeaksAloud’s house to play games! That was really fun. We played Monopoly Deal, Exploding Kittens (app version), Meow Meow/Mauns Mauns (fave game), Monopoly (Stranger Things version), and Bananagrams. I also had soup there, which was very nice. It was so great hanging out with her, as I don’t get to go out much or hang with people my age so it was really lovely. She also returned the DVD I lent her ages ago that she had only just watched the night before. I also saw her cats — Jasper and Monty!! Jasper is kinda timid but he was more approachable than he had been last time I saw him. Monty was so sweet and loving and just awesome. He’s adorable, ahh.

I left and went to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. I had vegan shepherd’s pie and they had chilli. This is where I got to see the third cat of the day — Haku! He has such soft fur. He’s also really sweet. I don’t normally get to see him when I come as we usually bring Pablo and he hides, so it was really nice to see him. He was very cute. It was nice to see them as well as I don’t see them that much usually.

It was a long car journey home, but worth it because I got to see three awesome… cats. Yeah, you thought I was gonna say humans, but nope. The cats. The only reason I went there. The people were OK.

Also, my dad set fire to a shelf on Saturday (yesterday). Good job, father.

Thanks for reading,


What Not to Do to an Autistic Person

I’ve mentioned this before in posts, but I thought I should put a disclaimer before this one, just so you know. Autism is a spectrum, and the things that I don’t like or that make me stressed might not necessarily be the same for other people on the spectrum. They might have other worries.

This is a list of tips for people who might know someone with this condition. However, it is definitely not accurate for everyone, as mentioned above. It is accurate for me, though.

  1. Do not make arrangements with me that have less than a week’s notice, or that don’t have all the details sorted out until very close to the scheduled day of meeting. This stresses me out so much and I get so worked up over it that I am 84% going to cancel. If I don’t cancel, I’m probably going to be sad and tired for a while after meeting, because I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for it.
  2. Don’t speak to me in a demanding way, or with a stern voice. This just causes me to panic and I actually take longer to do the task than if you had just asked nicely.
  3. Please don’t ignore any text questions I have! I cannot stand the ‘read’ feature on social media. I use Facebook and Instagram most often (both of which have this feature) and it causes me an unsettling amount of anxiety when someone ignores my text. I’m talking about people who read it and then decide to never respond. This applies largely to questions and stuff that would normally incite a response. Just.. please…
  4. Don’t look at me too intensely. I am alright with you glancing at me occasionally but it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable if you look at me too long. I’m sorry, it’s just hard to deal with eyes looking at me… I sometimes want to permanently hide under a sheet so no one ever has to look at me.
  5. Try to avoid touching me. I am extremely sensitive to touch, and sometimes I feel so obliged to hug people and it really feels awkward and uncomfortable. Also, please do not touch my arm or something if you’re trying to get my attention or for whatever reason — I know you only lightly touched me, but it hurts! Most people wouldn’t be affected but sometimes my mum will tap me and I’ll go “ouch!” and she’ll think I’m being over-dramatic, but it actually hurts.
  6. Compliments… gifts… help. I am alright with compliments and gifts, as long as you don’t expect a response. I have been called rude for this but it is just so awkward! I am really grateful that you like my hair or for the potato you gave me but it makes me really embarrassed, especially around people who aren’t my close family. My mum calls me beautiful every day, that’s enough compliments for my entire life! I also struggle with confidence and don’t know whether you’re being nice or truthful. It’s hard to decide!
  7. Don’t speak too loud. You can speak at normal volume, but do not yell at me or raise your voice. I’m sensitive to noise, too, and tend to retreat from loud noise and often won’t respond, or might even try to cover my ears.
  8. Don’t expect me to never say inappropriate things. If I’m feeling awkward, or the conversation has stopped flowing, I probably will say something inappropriate. For instance, I might say something about potatoes because I love them and they’re the first thing I can think of. What gets me is when people question why I said that, or look at me strange. I’m not like you.
  9. Don’t forget me. I know I’m not the best person at maintaining friendships, because I eventually drive them away with my inappropriateness or my anxiety, but I always try to do the right thing. I try. It’s hard when people don’t accept me for the way I am, and how difficult I can be. I might be complex, but I can be solved. Just try it.

Thank you so much for reading this post,


My Christmas

This is my Christmas post!! For Christmas, I brought presents for my mum, dad, brother, and brother’s girlfriend. I got my mum a nice dress, my dad some chocolate penguins, an electronic bug, and a bike t-shirt. I got my brother a Mr Poopybutthead figurine, which you’d know if you watch Rick and Morty. I got his girlfriend an animal crossing K.K. Slider plushie, which she seemed to like. My brother was jealous though, perhaps for his birthday…?

I got a new phone for Christmas too, because I haven’t had one for a while. It’s cheap but it seems nice and it has that new phone feel. I also got the best surprise ever: a Pablo cushion! I screamed when I opened it because it’s the best thing I could have gotten. My brother got a Smiler cushion. For my stocking, I also got a magnetic poetry kit, which I’m going to start using for my instagram. Also, my dad got me a book that he brought when he was with me, except he told me it was for my brother.

My roast was lovely, with Tofurkey… mhm. I love roast potatoes and mash too. And sprouts.

On boxing day, I went to my aunt’s. It was really nice. One of my cousins gave me a box of delicious vegan sweets (honestly, best I’ve ever had). The other cousin gave our entire family a David Attenborough collection of DVDs, but also gave me a box of vegan chocolates, and no one else anything extra. I’m obviously her favourite. I got a lovely poetry book and top from my aunt and uncle. But my uncle’s sister got me a VEGAN YULE LOG. Okay, it wasn’t really a normal yule log, it was more dark chocolate in the shape of a yule log, but it was delicious!! I love my family. We also played some games, including Bananagrams, which I love a lot. It’s kinda like Scrabble but quicker and you laugh more.

I also won a competition a few days before Christmas. My favourite author, Patrick Ness, ran a competition where 10 winners would win all these prizes and 100 runners up got some good prizes too. I was one of the 10 winners, and it makes me so happy, because one of the prizes means I get to go see A Monster Calls as a play in the Old Vic, London. I also get some cool other stuff but I think that’s the one I’m most excited for, especially considering the star of it is a tree. I’m just wanting to see a tree walk on stage, really.

Overall, my Christmas was the best time of year, because I got to go see my family. I don’t care about much else, it’s just nice to see them. The rest of my year wasn’t really much to beat either. I also played ‘Who Am I?’ and one of the questions I asked was ‘am I female?’ My cousin answered ‘you are… now’ and I instantly knew I was Doctor Who. Hehe…

The pets got a ton of presents this year too, including a bum for Pablo. Yes, a bum. My cousin got him a cuddly baboon’s bum, which he loves.

Thank you for reading,

How was your Christmas?


When You See Me

When you see me, you see a white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. She can see, she can walk, she’s got nice clothes. That girl is lucky. Perhaps you’re right; I live in a house, with a family that cares, and I’ve got pets too. I am writing this on an iPad, that’s nice as well. I’ve got a lot of things I should be thankful for. I am thankful for them, but life isn’t a breeze either.

As a stranger, I look normal to you. But I have a hidden condition, and it’s called autism. For me, it means that I crave social contact but want to run away when I get it. It means that I won’t speak up about something I dislike until hours later, when I tell only my mum. It means that I can’t go out alone, can’t navigate alone, it’s too terrifying. It means that sometimes my words get scrambled up and I say things wrong. It means that I can’t currently work, because it would be too much; the people, the tasks, the deadlines— it would all get too much. I wouldn’t even survive the interview. It means that I stay in my house most days.

It means that I am not who you think you see.

People with autism look just like anyone else. Sometimes, they’re even extroverts willing to party (they do exist, I know a few!) and sometimes they’re not. Each person with autism is different, no two share the exact same difficulties. But we all blend in. Just because you can’t see it, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It’s very real and very frightening.

Thank you for reading,



So I was at a cafe today with my parents, just having lunch, when I overheard a conversation from the table next to us. A man was saying a lot of bad stuff about vegans. One thing he said was “if they were on my table, I’d have extra pigs in blankets”. He also said the line that I have heard so often from people; that if we didn’t breed animals, they’d be extinct. We actually over-breed them, so it’s a very false statement. Even if it were true, which it isn’t, I would much rather a species go extinct than have to suffer at the hands of humanity.

I know a lot of omnivores; the majority of the people I know are omnivores, and if they’re not, they are vegetarian. I don’t have any vegan friends. I hold my beliefs quite passionately but if I were to go around bad-mouthing them, I’d be a very unpopular person. I accept that it’s not something they’re willing to do. Whilst I’d like them to be vegan, I know that I have to accept them as omnivores. Being vegan is about passion and I couldn’t call myself passionate if I were constantly making them feel bad.

This guy had no right to talk rubbish about an entire group of people within society. He hasn’t even met most of us, yet he can be so rude. It kinda made me sad, because a lot of other people are probably staying similar stuff. Vegans aren’t the enemy; we’re just like you, except we live slightly differently. I’m so thankful for the small amount of friends I have, and I wouldn’t change them. But other people should not judge a book by its cover.

With me, it’s “is she antisocial?” “How rude!” “Does she speak?” “Stop fidgeting!” That is because of my autism and that is how I am judged. Next, because of my veganism, it’s “oh, she’s one of those.” “What does she eat?” “Plants have feelings too, hypocrite.” “Where does she get her protein from?” “Better not be friends with her, she’d turn me.” I have all these perceptions of me constantly floating around and it’s just upsetting to constantly have them in my life. Strangers, leave other strangers alone.Thank you.

I might not be what society deems ‘normal’ but I’m not what you think either. I’m more than just thoughts. I’m a person too.


What My Depression Feels Like

I’ve been depressed for a long time, suffered from anxiety for most of that time too, though I think the depression started first. I wasn’t even a teenager when it started. I have been on medication for it since I was fifteen, and I’m currently trying to get it changed as I am now an adult and it’s really not working. Not so many years ago, I overdosed on iron pills and spent quite a few hours in A&E, but I had thrown up most of them already. This was my way to get away from toxicity by digesting toxicity. Not my best idea.

I usually talk about my anxiety on this blog. My anxiety is simpler than my depression, because I can understand it. I can understand why I have it and what factors contributed to me getting it. I can understand why I used to be depressed, but I can’t get why I still am.

I guess it’s because of expectations, and what everyone else is doing with their life… and the fact that I can’t just get up and do something. It’s not that simple. Depression is never that simple. I’m at home most days, lonely. I want to get out and do stuff, but I can’t. A heavy weight stops me from doing it.

I want to be distracted, to have a friend come over and distract me, but people that were once my friends are now further apart from me than ever. They’re moving on with their lives, going places. And I’m not. You can’t expect me to just get a job, or to just go to university. It’s not that simple, again. Autism and depression don’t mix. I was never good at interacting with people, especially strangers. I want to volunteer but my confidence isn’t very high. My anxiety also coincides with this. I just feel so alone about all this.

This is just how I am. I’m sad all the time, but I’m too exhausted to talk to someone, because my mouth won’t move. So I type.

A Letter to My First & Second Bully

This letter is about two kinds of bullies. The first kind is the bully who is going through something tough and they’re just getting their anger out on someone weaker than them. The second kind is the one who either does it for popularity or just gets a thrill out of making someone suffer. This is a letter to my first two bullies; the first was someone going through something, the second smiled whenever I cried.

Dear my first bully,

I shouldn’t really call you a bully. You’re a human being. I don’t actually remember how you made me upset because all I remember now is the aftermath. You probably don’t recall, as we’re practically strangers now, but after we found out that you were going through a divorce, we became friends. Your mum and my mum were friends for a while too. I think we once went to pottery together.

I’m glad you were my first bully, though, because you made me realise that not all bullies are monsters. You were angry and hurt and you took it out on me and that’s okay. Although I wasn’t used to it when you bullied me, you helped me to develop an ignorance for what was to come, though it still hurt every single time they bullied me. I know you were a sweet boy behind it. It’s the school’s fault, usually, because they make up stuff about anti-bullying policies that they never stick to.

I forgave you so soon after because I saw the real you. You were only young too; we both were. I’m sure that you learned that it was wrong and that it never happened again. In fact, I think I’m positive of that, because of how a bully became a friend. Though we went our separate ways years ago, I still remember you. I think I won’t forget you.

Dear my second bully,

Nice friends you have to help you insult me. It would be harder to do it alone, wouldn’t it? You always have to come in a gang of three, like the movies, but you’re the ringleader, also like the movies. You never picked on anyone else whilst we were in the same class; not even that boy who everyone else picked on — you were friends with him. It was specifically me. Specifically me. Why? Because I was a girl but I wasn’t one of the popular, pretty ones. I had my hair tied up and I didn’t wear mascara. I also didn’t have my ears pierced. Bare in mind that I was eight, yet everyone else deemed it normal for girls of eight to be coating themselves in stuff. I don’t get it. But I was still a girl: weaker, more vulnerable than a boy. You also knew that I didn’t have confidence, regardless of the fact I stuck my hand up several thousand times. I did that to try and make myself feel better, but it always made me feel worse. Your sneering didn’t help. It never did.

You were also the type of bully that I would never report; you made sure of that. You were subtle, but threatening, and you made me cry in the toilets. Our teachers hated me (because I cried all the time), so they just moaned about me being a cry baby in parent evenings. I think my parents were shocked, but it meant that you could continue doing what you were doing. I didn’t cry much until I came into your path. Yours and theirs; all of the bullies, but you were definitely the leader. I could always tell that. You did it for an ego boost, a popularity boost, security. You needed to feel like you had value because you never cared for class, so your grades weren’t the best; so you bullied me.

Still, it made you smile. It always made you smile, and that sickens me. Funny how sick rhymes with your name, isn’t it? You were another boy, just like my first bully, but you never became my friend. I will also never forget you, because if you hadn’t happened, maybe it never would have gotten so bad. Maybe I wouldn’t have had crippling anxiety for years to come; anxiety so bad that important grades suffered. I would tap my fingers through exams, thinking and thinking about how my life came to that point. And at one stage, I came back to you. And I was always disappointed with my results. Always disappointed. I think I could have done better; I certainly studied a lot. I think all of it was because I couldn’t focus. I just wanted to get out of that room and run out of that gate, all of the time. Maybe you were involved in some way, psychologically messing with me, even though I hadn’t been at your school for a few years.

Thank you for making my life a misery.

Thanks for reading this post. If you’re getting bullied, it’s tough, and sometimes no one will help you (at least, in my case) but you will always get online support. I am always here and so are so many other people. It’s a hard time but you can get through it. 



Routine and Fashion

As you are probably aware, I’m autistic, which means that routines are a big part of my life. I can’t deal with someone changing the plan or not giving me specifics; it gives me a kinda meltdown. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the plan too and then I have to cancel myself.

Due to my like of routines, my clothing choices rarely vary. I have to have the same style of clothing every day. For me, this routine is greyscale. I wear black, white and shades of grey in-between. I don’t usually vary from this colour scheme. I’ve been using it for several years now and don’t see it changing anytime soon.

As well as this, I have this houndstooth bag. One time, my mum went to a workshop for autistic parents, and they mentioned that the houndstooth design is fascinating to autistic people. I had this bag before my mum even went, so she found it really interesting that they were saying that lots of people like me have a similar interest in it.

Another thing is my footwear. I always have to wear boots; black, relatively small boots. Even in summer, when my parents are saying they’re too warm, I have to wear them. The texture is good. Unlike other footwear (*cough* canvas shoes *cough*) where the material really feels funny against my feet, they feel alright and they also look nice, so I wear them. I’m not a massive fan of the feel of my socks because they feel tight and itchy but they have nice designs and those designs make me wear them, and it’s hard to find nice-feeling socks that also have nice designs, because I have to have a nice design! Socks are also my exception to the greyscale rule. I can wear any colour of sock, as long as it’s a good design.

I wear clothing that is wildly inappropriate for the season. In summer, I had to wear leggings, and sometimes I’d get really hot and sweaty, but at least it fit in with my routine. And now, I have to wear the same coat I wore in the summer, which isn’t the thickest coat, so I get cold. But routine is always the most important thing to me.

Do you have any clothes that you won’t stop wearing, no matter what the season?