How To Be A Person (Not)

It’s hard living with autism on top of mental health problems. They all work against you in every possible way. My autism leaves me without a filter on what I say, so I often blurt out exactly what I’m thinking. My anxiety then comes in and tells me that, because of this lack of filter, everyone must hate me because I say all the wrong things. Then, depression calls out and tells me that I should stop leaving the house because nothing works out. It’s really hard to get the motivation to leave the house because I have the trio of anxiety, depression and autism that want me to stay inside forever. It takes all of my energy to leave the house.

After I leave the house, I am put out into the unpredictable world. Things happen that can affect my autism because it wasn’t as I expected my day to go. I’m put into social situations that make me question why I can’t just be more like non-autistic people, because I will say stupid things over and over again. It’s really hard to not say stupid things, or at least things I think are stupid. I guess this is why I’ve always struggled with friendship. Most people don’t like me. I maybe have one or two friends but, then again, anxiety will tell me that they don’t really like me. How could anyone like me?

It’s easy to tell if a dog or cat likes me. They’re very easy to read. People, however, are more difficult as they aren’t always honest and I can’t tell if they truly like me or not. Also, being around people exhausts me. I tend to nap in the afternoons to deal with this. I am not like other people. The name of my blog is derived from the fact that I relate more to pandas than people. I struggle to relate to most people. I guess I think life would be easier if I weren’t a person.

I also find it hard to think about my future. I can see other people’s futures; I get quite happy when I think about their plans, but when I think about my own future, I can’t see a lot happening. I don’t feel like much is going to happen in my life. Being autistic, it’s hard to see a lot happening because I struggle with communication. I’m too awkward for life.

Expressing myself is quite easy when I’m writing it down. A poem or a blog post, either way, I am able to express how I feel about my mental health and my autism. That’s why I do it. It’s easier to be me if I have an outlet for my emotions. It’s still quite tricky though, figuring out how to be a person.

Lia

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