Becoming an Adult

The day we become an adult is not the day we turn eighteen, but the day we get our last exam result, and then think “well – now what?” Most of my friends are going to university (some going to extremely high-ranked ones) so they have a little bit of a layout for their life (not much, but at least enough for the next few years) and some even know where they intend to go with their life. They have it all planned out.

But not everybody does. Not everybody knows where their life is going to lead them.

One of the most stressful questions to hear, as someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, is “what are you going to do now?” They mean well but it makes me think about the future and where I’m going and where I’m not going and what’s happening and what’s not happening and — you get the picture. It’s terrifying.

I got good results, results I was happy with, but I happen to be friends with geniuses, which often makes me feel like less of a person too, even though they’re wonderful and I’m happy for them. I just happened to pick up smart friends. I guess I must be the dumb friend, to them, if you think about it. So I’m worried about my results too.

I worry about whether my life has a direction but I don’t want it to, yet I do, all at once. I want to study a degree but I don’t, all at once. I don’t want to be a drifter, I want to be a sailor! But I can’t be. I will never be a sailor, no matter how hard I try to control my ship; it will crash and I will drift on one piece of wood left.

I want to become something, but I don’t.

I’m never going to be what people expect me to be, or rather, what they want me to be. I’m not going to be what I want to be either. Because I will never be strong enough to sail. I just won’t be.


11 thoughts on “Becoming an Adult

  1. “What are you going to do now-”

    I hate this question! Understand where you’re coming from. I get this all the time at family reunions now that I’m taking a year off from college (and trying to figure out what I want to do.)

    Thanks for sharing! Great read.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely agree! Even though I am going to university, it still doesn’t mean that my life is sorted. So many things could happen that can ruin “The Plan”. I guess life after results day is scary for everyone. I believe that you will become someone amazing (even more than you already are) one day โค x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel less of a person but I think everyone feels this way so you’re not alone, don’t worry! I look up at the people who got A*A*A and think why could I not achieve that?? it’s like society has turned us into wanting more no matter what we get and it really sucks. And I think the future is always something difficult to face. I may be going to university and have my life planned in that respect, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. It will be facing up to a lot of my fears and I often worry about if I’m going to be able to deal with it all, but I’m going for it anyway because despite everything, it’s what I want to do. And if you’re willing to take a step somewhere different and push yourself, I’m absolutely sure you’re going to get where you want to! You’ll definitely reach greater things if you believe you can – I do ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Remember it’s okay to take a breather and understand what it is that you want from life. Change is a difficult thing for someone with mental health problems, let alone autism, so finishing education can definitely be worrying. Sometimes the hardest thing is to accept your life as it is and live it for a while, because society has ingrained within us that we should always be striving for something bigger. Sometimes we just need a break, right?
    It’s something I’ve worried about for years–so much so that I’ve forced myself into three years of college just to prolong the opportunity by an extra year! I’ll be months off twenty when I leave, which is ridiculous and kinda scary considering most of the people on my course are over a year younger, but I’m trying to remain positive by reminding myself that everyone progresses differently.
    I’m glad you got results you were happy with, nonetheless. Those grades may mean nothing to your future development now, but if you ever do gain the confidence to go to university, they could make all the difference.
    Good luck for the future! I hope you manage to find happiness in this world eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I understand. When I graduated from high school, I was planning on being a social worker. I was going to go to Bible College and go to straight to university for the next four years. I did go to Bible College and I did make it into the university where I was going to study social, not a direct entry program, well, it just recently became a direct entry program. However, I was not able to get into the program, but I am finishing the same school that I tried to get into the social work program. It was hard at first, but I have been fine doing something else besides social work.
    I also understand about not feeling smart among your friends and it can be discouraging. You just have to learn to compare yourself to your friends. If you do go to school, focus on your own accomplishments. For example, if you are a C student, try to go up to a C+ student, and focus on going up with realistic expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t go to school, haven’t for a few years. I don’t study anymore, after finishing college. I was an A student in the course I studied but got a B at the end because the exams were very challenging. I think everyone else in my course would agree with me. Thank you for your comment ๐Ÿ™‚


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