Why?

Why do we live in a time where you aren’t allowed to be proud, happy, supportive, of yourself? Why do we live in a time where we have to look for our flaws, even when they’re harder to find than the good parts? Why do we have to ignore our talents or our natural gifts? Why is modesty and low self-esteem the norm? Why can’t we just be accepting of ourselves?

It’s hard for me to say I’m good at anything, even when I get good grades. I’ve constantly been telling myself how bad I am that it just embeds itself in my mind and I can’t get rid of it, regardless of my grades. It’s because I’ve adjusted to this state of mind. We all have.

People who are proud of themselves are rarer in this world than those who are not, and I am not getting at arrogance here — that is another matter altogether. I am getting at those who have the right to be proud, and take it to the right level. I am in such awe of those people, at how they can manage to feel accomplishment for the same tasks that make me cry at how bad I feel I am at them.

I want to tell people how to be happy with themselves but I can’t because then I’d be lying; I don’t know how to be happy with myself so how can I tell others how to be? Compliments don’t change this; just add an edge of awkwardness and, perhaps, a momentary bit of self-appreciation. But that doesn’t last: it never lasts, and then you’re back where you were. Lost and confused about why you even exist; what qualities do you have to offer the world?

It’s so difficult living without being able to appreciate yourself: can’t that change? I wish it could, but there’s just no way of knowing how.

Smile [Poem]

Trust me,

I’m here,

Waiting for you to smile —

and I’m not leaving

until you do.

I might not be smiling myself,

But that doesn’t mean you can’t;

Don’t be a sheep,

be the one mouth that does

rise.

I’m waiting for you

to laugh and to conquer

but I’m also waiting for you to

see the roses in your

heart.

Again?!

Today, I found out that yet another teacher has quit us, though this time it was after only one lesson (what a record!). When I messaged Rose to tell her of it, she didn’t believe me because it was so ridiculous. She’d been ill so hadn’t come in, thus was very unconvinced. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been messing around.

I used to be ashamed of my autism, upon my diagnosis, wanting to hide it and never telling anyone about it but, then, when I realised that teachers who knew about my condition started treating me differently… I felt like I didn’t want to be different, but that I had to be. I wasn’t like everyone else and I had to accept that. So, now that I’ve accepted my diagnosis, I understand what aspects of it affect me. Change is a big one, and I’ve already done a post on it which you can find here. After struggling with so many teachers leaving, I was told that this one would stay. Nope.

It’s just really upsetting for me and I almost want to just drop out but I know that my parents would get a fine if I did, so I can’t. I have to put up with it. This isn’t something anyone should have to go through (especially when the college gets Ofsted outstanding!!!), but it is especially difficult for people with my condition and I am just not gonna do well this year at all.

I’ve been so sad today and they don’t seem to see how this affects my mental state as well as my education. It’s honestly ridiculous and I wish I could just have not done Creative Writing (my dream course) at all because, although I love writing, this course is so messed up that it’s just destroying me, to be honest. The constant change of teachers, the teachers who we do have not knowing anything, I just can’t deal with it. I wish I could but I wasn’t built like that. This just sucks.

How do you deal with difficult circumstances? Do you get out the other end?

Lia

After post P.S: Why do I need to approve me linking to my own posts?! xD

The 2016 Blogger Awards

You can find the rules and how to participate, hosted by Elm, here

Here are my nominations:

Blogger of the year

Elm –

She’s been someone I’ve read since I first started blogging and her stuff has inspired me for months. I aspire to be as great a blogger as her everyday; she’s wonderful.

Blog of the year

TheShamefulSheep –

This blog has great content that I always love to read. Even though I’ve never personally talked to them or given them my regards, I just had to nominate them. 🙂

Kindest Blogger – 

MyMindSpeaksAloud –

I know I’m difficult to handle sometimes, but this blogger is always there for me and makes my day, often. She puts up with my nonsense and she’s been a great friend too. Thank you.

Most Approachable Blogger –

Rebekah Gillian –

She really understands me and we don’t know each other very well but I can always talk to her about my own difficulties and she’ll get me! She’s so lovely and very approachable. 🙂

Best New Blogger –

Zoey –

She has been commenting long before she had a blog. I was always really sad that I couldn’t read her stuff! Recently, though, a couple of months back, she made a blog, and it is so good!

Most Positive Blog –

A New Chapter –

Her blog posts usually make me smile and they also make me feel like a better person after having read them!

Most Helpful Blogger –

This is one of the hardest to answer because there are so many helpful people here! However, I will nominate the same person I nominated for kindest blogger because I feel that if you’re kind, you’ll also be helpful. They usually go hand-in-hand.

MyMindSpeaksAloud –

She is always helping me and making me feel better and I feel that any of her friends are very lucky to have her.

Best Looking Blog – 

Rose –

She was actually asking me what colours would work and what fonts she should use because she was worried about making it look good. It does look really nice though. 🙂

Most Relatable Blog – 

This is so hard but I’ll give it to:

Evie –

Her posts are usually very much my thought process and I’m like woah that’s me right there. xD

Most Creative Blogger

AVeryAwkwardBlog –

Since getting involved in Blogwarts, created by this blogger, I’ve had so much fun! It’s really been great, thanks. 🙂

Funniest Blogger

A lot of the bloggers here are quite serious, which is not an issue at all, but it made finding a blogger for this hard. In the end, I chose a blogger that, although they can be serious, tries to be positive about negative situations.

L –

They just really try to make light of bad things and, sometimes, a normal situation can be turned into something funny. 🙂

The Wildcard –

AspiringThoughts –

I just always really enjoy their posts. 🙂

 

When I Die [Poem]

When I die,

I want that to be the most peaceful day of my life,

The happiest day,

Whether that be tomorrow or in fifty years.

 

When I die,

I want it to be my death,

Not anyone else’s,

I want to die my way.

 

When I die,

I want to feel it,

Just for a second,

Then be gone.

 

When I die,

I want it to end,

All the agony and the pain,

Forever.

 

When I die,

I want to make everybody smile,

Celebrate and clap,

I want them to appreciate why,

Instead of putting on crocodile tears.

 

 

Birthday Shout-out

So it is one of my closest friend’s (MyMindSpeaksAloud) birthday today and soo I think she deserves a lil shout-out. You should go read her posts because she’s awesome and your life is not complete without reading her stuff, k? Also, she’s 18 now so her posts will be way more mature than they were yesterday, I’m sure. 😀

She hasn’t received many comments/likes for a while and I think it’s made her a bit down so, if you go just read her stuff, maybe even give a comment, that would be the best birthday present for you to give her. ^-^ And her posts are not lacking quality at all, so go do it now! Woo!

Lia

 

Anxiety and Trains

Train strikes are not good for people with anxiety. I was standing around for my train, which wasn’t direct and meant I had to change at a weird stop, and I was shaking as it kept getting delayed and I got confused.

I started walking back, really sad, when a familiar face appeared. She told me it was okay and made me follow her. Then, she found her friend and stood with him but I was too anxious of being late to get on the train, so I left again. I just couldn’t do it.

I was in tears to my mum, knowing I’d already missed so many days, but my anxiety feels like it’s destroying my life sometimes. It takes away everything from me: social interaction, education, independence. People say for me to just stop thinking about it but I can’t and the more I try not to think about it, the more I end up thinking about it.

This is really affecting my college work and my life in general and it just sucks. I wish I could get over it, but I can’t. It’s just always there, hanging on the wall, spiking my toes, clawing its way through my ears, my lungs.

I just want it gone but it never goes. Never.

Lia

Cats or Dogs?

Since the beginning of time, there has been one common debate: cats or dogs? I always thought I was a cat person, having lived with cats for my entire life. They understood me and I understood them. I loved cats. I still love cats.

Then, just over a year ago, I met Pablo. Pablo is a dog, and he’s so different to cats; he’s clumsy, noisy, and quite needy! To put it lightly, he’s a lot to handle, unlike our independent, quiet cats that only love us occasionally, not 24/7. However, I fell in love with him. Annoying as he might be, he always seems to put a smile on my face. Whether it’s his crazy sessions where he runs around wildly, or his calmer sessions where he’s still licking my face frantically, not letting me escape — I always seem to be smiling. I even smile when he’s naughty in public (barking, attacking people, being a wolf), whilst telling him off. He is just so full of character.

In my opinion, no such debate such as “cats or dogs?” should exist because they are just so different. Whilst cats are sophisticated and gentle beings, clever-minded and graceful, and dogs are a little dumber, but love you more often, filling the house with both chaos and humour. They are just incomparable, now I have been the proud owner of both. Diego, my cat, loves to climb trees and suck fingers, whilst Pablo prefers to lick feet and attack hands. They’re both so lovely and wonderful in their own way.

I would classify myself as a cat person but then Pablo comes along and licks me to death and I wonder whether I actually am. But I’ve realised that dogs and cats are too different to compare; they’re almost complete opposites. Cats are independent and gentle, dogs are needy and bashful, but they’re both interesting and quirky and I love them both.

Hope you enjoyed reading this post,

Lia

 

Sober [Poem]

The rails are screaming,

Calling for my eyes,

For my lungs,

For my heart,

And I am hugging the planks,

Telling them thanks

for being there,

Or rather being the only ones

who cared,

And I am hugging the green,

Wishing not to be seen,

For it to be over,

And to make my mind sober

of your alcohol–

Oh no.

I’m fire in the sky,

A flare of goodbye,

A firework of cries,

A candle of lies —

Sober.