Anxiety

Should I wear make-up? If I don’t, they’ll think I’m ugly. If I do, they’ll think I’m fake. 

How should I do my hair? As normal would be seen as boring but then maybe they won’t like the new one. 

Clothing! I always wear the same — but new stuff might be cool, but they might see me as weird.

What train should I get? I don’t want to get same train as them, ’cause they’ll think I’m following them, but then if I don’t, I’ll be late. 

Should I go into class? I mean, everyone probably hates me… but I have to learn.

There’s no chairs! Should I get a chair from another classroom, which would be awkward, or just stand here?

Should I answer this question? Should I? No, they’ll hate me! But then I could finally say something and be not invisible…

Should I talk to people? They’ll hate me but they’ll think I’m weird if I don’t…

Should I get this train or wait an hour, just so I can avoid so-and-so?

Should I do this, do that… What if — No I can’t ask that teacher a question! They’ll hate me! 

Should I message them? They’ll hate me if I do, but I need to speak to them… 

This is just a glimpse into what I think daily. My anxiety has sky-rocketed since I started college again. I can’t help my thoughts, however irrational they are — they just come at me and it’s such a suffocating feeling, having anxiety. It’s like you constantly live with someone else right besides you that’s telling you to do the opposite of what you want to do and so you can’t decide whether to go with you or with them. I get confused a lot and sometimes this anxiety just makes me hate my life. It is the dictator of my life and my decisions. It’s made me into a coward.

Lia

 

 

16 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. I know how you feel having been a victim of anxiety but sometimes you just have to be brave because it robs you of so many things just thinking about what others are thinking of you😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. one time, in year 8, when I was getting bullied, some girls decided to put some make-up on me during a lesson and then afterwards all the boys were like “are you wearing make-up?” and they were really looking at me i didnt wear make-up for years after that experience lol

      Like

  2. It sucks that you’re going through this, but I totally relate. I can’t help but feel like I’m being controlled by my mental illness, but trying to overcome it takes more energy than I have and sometimes it’s easier to listen and go along with it. I hope your anxiety manages to settle when you get used to college again, it’s not a nice thing to go through. X

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wish I could give you a big hug! ❤ Wear makeup or try new clothes only if YOU want to. I wear makeup to help with my confidence because I believe that if you think you look good, then you feel good. Makeup isn't for everyone and in my opinion, you don't need it. You are beautiful just the way you are. I'm not just saying this, I truly believe that you are.

    Liked by 1 person

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