Change and Autism

We all go through change — everyone, whether it’s moving house or just trying a new cereal, it’s all the same thing: change. Change can be minor or major but, in the end, it can change a lot of other things as well. For instance, I changed as a person when I transferred school in year nine. I made some really good friends there and that made me gain confidence. However, my confidence has dropped again since starting college.

Change, to most people, can be a daunting thing; you don’t know what to expect from it. For instance, if I had been allowed to vote, I would have voted in for the EU referendum, because of the change that leaving would entail. We left and I’m having to adjust to that. On the other hand, today we went to a new cafe I have not been in before (as opposed to the usual one we go to) and I was really sad and had a mini-meltdown because it wasn’t the normal one. Then my food came and it was so well-presented and nice and they’d really taken into consideration my veganism that I just couldn’t hate the cafe. I realised that it was actually quite nice. It just wasn’t what I was used to.

If you’re autistic, change is an even more terrifying thought, because we like routine and to have an interruption to that routine makes us intensely stressed. At college, I have always had the same teacher and the same class for English and that is nice for me because it is the same. I have however had five teachers in total so far for creative writing, as well as the classes merging at the beginning of the year (making a massive class, which I can’t stand) and it really feels like they don’t care about our happiness: just funding. The change has really impacted me in a negative way so much so that I haven’t been to college as much as I should be. I also haven’t been because I have to read a potentially-triggering book in English. So, basically, my attendance is bad.

I cried my first day of creative writing, at the break, (though I didn’t tell anyone and only one teacher noticed and she kept pestering me but I was just like “no I don’t need anyone k thanks”) because the change was so extreme. It doesn’t seem like they have taken into consideration what effect this could have on me and my class. I think everyone hates the change but it is just annoying for the rest of the class: for me, it’s terrifying.

Change is hard but sometimes you have to adapt to the change in environment, survival of the fittest and all that, though sometimes, if it’s negative change that could have been prevented, it feels like there is no one who understands the agony it causes me. If I get anxious over a change in cafes, just imagine me adapting to my. fifth. teacher. Not all change is negative though, remember that. Changing schools was one of the best things that happened to me because I met A New Chapter and another really cool person who doesn’t have a blog.

How do you feel about change?

Lia

Self-harm

I understand that this is a really sensitive subject, but I want this blog to be as honest as possible, and, to do that, I need to share my experiences.

I have self-harmed since the age of twelve and still do, though not as regularly as I used to. At first, it was just sharp rocks that were at my school underneath the trees; the sharpest I could find weren’t that sharp, either. But I liked them because I could hurt myself without marks being left behind. My pastoral carer at the school suspected me of self-harm and one time he made me lift my sleeves. However, because of the instrument I used, he couldn’t find much proof, so couldn’t help me. I didn’t want to be helped. I liked the pain.

But the rocks didn’t give me enough pain so I turned to nail scissors. Sharp, small, easy. They were amazing for giving me the satisfaction whilst leaving clean cuts, which had very minimal scarring. I have cats too, so any leftover marks could have just been the cat, or so I said. Eventually, I decided that nail scissors weren’t enough, so I turned to the sharpest knife I could find. And God, did it leave scars.

Once my parents found out, they removed everything visible from my room but they didn’t realise that you can use anything to self-harm. Anything. Your own finger-nails, an elastic band (I used to wrap them several times around my fingers until the circulation was cut off and they were really sore), really just anything. Sometimes I’d self-harm in the way of making myself vomit and I even told people but, because I was of normal weight, they let me go (and probably continue doing it). It didn’t matter that stuff was taken away from me; I didn’t care. I would find a way.

I tend to do it in an irrational moment of madness when my social fears get so bad that I feel I need pain to distract myself from them. Sometimes, I just want the world to end, because I can’t deal with my emotions, and when the world continues to thrive, I cut. Now, it is quite irregular, sometimes being every day, other times I won’t do it for a month. Really, my mood is like a see-saw. I can be so happy and then something happens that makes my emotions go anti-clockwise and I’m sad. It’s a kind of sadness where you want to die but you don’t want to do it to yourself because then your family will be asking all kinds of questions; it’s the kind where you just wish someone would do it for you. The happiness I feel, though, is because of my loving family and pets and, occasionally, friends, though I don’t have many. The sadness I feel is because of everything else. It all adds up. One small thing at a time then another thing and a bigger thing and a massive thing and I’m self-harming.

At the moment, I’m undergoing a lot of stress on my autism at college, because people with autism can sometimes struggle with change and I’ve had so much change recently. FYI: I have had five lecturers for my creative writing course in the just-over-a-year I’ve been there. The classes were also merged. It has been very hard for me. As well as this, I don’t find anyone who I particularly bond with at college; no one who understands me. My main friends aren’t at my college and they’re amazing, but I can’t see them very often.
When I was twelve, something bad happened to me, which I won’t go into detail about, but basically we’re also studying this book in English, and I really don’t want to study it because I’ve heard what the content is from someone who’s already read it and it could be triggering to me.

Basically, I’m trying my hardest to stay clean, but there are little events at the moment that are trying to push me to do it. I’ve emailed my lecturer but she just said “read through it” — and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do, in case I get triggered.

Unfortunately, I feel deeply misunderstood in a lot of areas of my life, and I feel like soon another moment of irrational thinking could turn into some more scars. I hope not but I feel like this desire to inflict pain on myself to distract from how I feel will always be here. It’s been here for five years; it’s not going away soon.

I hope you understand this post and I’m sorry if you’ve had experiences with self-harm. Just to let you know, I’m here for you.

Lia

Met Up With A Fellow Blogger!

So, after a pretty bad yesterday (where I felt really ill all day and it ended up with a lovely swollen lip and cut nose), I was really nervous about today because it was the day I was meeting with MyMindSpeaksAloud for the first time, after knowing each other for five years. I thought that maybe she’d hate me and I was really panicking over it.

After a pretty awkward start, we played Monopoly, The Game of Life, and a very… interesting version of Scrabble where you get awarded points for the inappropriateness of the word, rather than the length of the word/value of the letters. It was very interesting, indeed.

After that, we played Jenga in which we won one game each. I then showed her this app on my phone called Exploding Kittens (which basically was a card game where you have to avoid getting the exploding kitten). Finally, I got my mum’s laptop and we played some CurveFever together, which was what we normally play when we are talking to one another online.

It went a lot better than I expected and I really enjoyed her visit. I have felt really sad recently and it was such a good boost in my confidence!

Also, the surprise that she’s been hiding from me for several weeks, came in the form of a panda-covered notebook. It was awesome. I can’t believe I actually met her! 🙂

Thanks for reading this post,

Lia

A Time [Poem]

a time where

all girls have short hair

and all boys have braids

a time where

boys wear make-up

and girls let natural beauty show

a time where

girls run around football pitches

and boys dance ballet

a time where

we’re allowed to defy our gender

without the sniggers of our peers

I Don’t Know Anymore [Poem]

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know whether I’m sure,

Whether you’re going to be there,

Whether you actually care.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know whether to run out the door,

Because you’re an invisible friend,

Just another dead end.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know why I bother, who for,

Because you’re a door in my face,

A reminder that I’m a disgrace.

I don’t know anymore,

I don’t know how,

I don’t know when,

I don’t know where;

I just know why.

Anxiety

Should I wear make-up? If I don’t, they’ll think I’m ugly. If I do, they’ll think I’m fake. 

How should I do my hair? As normal would be seen as boring but then maybe they won’t like the new one. 

Clothing! I always wear the same — but new stuff might be cool, but they might see me as weird.

What train should I get? I don’t want to get same train as them, ’cause they’ll think I’m following them, but then if I don’t, I’ll be late. 

Should I go into class? I mean, everyone probably hates me… but I have to learn.

There’s no chairs! Should I get a chair from another classroom, which would be awkward, or just stand here?

Should I answer this question? Should I? No, they’ll hate me! But then I could finally say something and be not invisible…

Should I talk to people? They’ll hate me but they’ll think I’m weird if I don’t…

Should I get this train or wait an hour, just so I can avoid so-and-so?

Should I do this, do that… What if — No I can’t ask that teacher a question! They’ll hate me! 

Should I message them? They’ll hate me if I do, but I need to speak to them… 

This is just a glimpse into what I think daily. My anxiety has sky-rocketed since I started college again. I can’t help my thoughts, however irrational they are — they just come at me and it’s such a suffocating feeling, having anxiety. It’s like you constantly live with someone else right besides you that’s telling you to do the opposite of what you want to do and so you can’t decide whether to go with you or with them. I get confused a lot and sometimes this anxiety just makes me hate my life. It is the dictator of my life and my decisions. It’s made me into a coward.

Lia

 

 

The Struggle [Poem]

Wisps of air momentarily stop my suffocating,

Your hand across my mouth staggers for just long enough

so that I can breathe,

Then my teeth become razors and the new-found strength gnaws

through your fingers,

Leaving you bleeding, crying, and leaving me

smiling, laughing,

Alive.

100 Followers Q+A [Answers!]

  1. What is your favourite aspect of blogging? 
    Really, it’s just the fact that I can get my thoughts out without being judged much. The community here is so strong that I don’t have to worry about what I say much at all. 🙂
  2. What are your top three pieces of advice for blogging?
    1) I would say don’t try and write everyday! If you want to, then that’s fine, but don’t feel like you have to. You don’t. 🙂
    2) Don’t worry about what people will think. It’s your blog; not theirs. Just as long as you understand there are different opinions, you’ll be fine.
    3) Enjoy it and blog for yourself, not anyone else! Make sure that you are blogging because you want to and because you enjoy it, not because others want you to. Again: it’s your blog.
  3. Favourite milkshake flavour? [Vegan ofc]
    Hmm, chocolate, I guess. I still have chocolate vegan milkshakes sometimes. ^-^
  4. Favourite quote?
    I don’t really know but I’d have to go with “imagination is more important than knowledge” by Einstein because imagination rocks. xD
  5. Something you take with you wherever you go? [Except phone]
    Umm, a jumper. I love my jumpers. Also, sunglasses. Even in winter.
  6. Someone on the planet you can’t live without?
    You didn’t say it had to be a person so Diego + Smiler + Pablo. xD
  7. Your favourite pet?
    HOW DARE THEE?! Diego. He’s the only smart one.
  8. As an aspiring creative writer, whom influences you the most in your work?
    Hmm, this is hard. I’d have to say that, although my writing is quite unlike his, I am fascinated by Shakespeare and I guess that a few ideas come from him. Speaking modernly, I like reading Patrick Ness and Scott Westerfeld; they influence me a lot too.
  9. If you were asked to write for any novel/magazine, what would it be and why?
    This is hard, to be honest, but I’d love to write for a writing magazine or a vegan mag — none specifically, but something in my zone of interest. I want to write for The National Student and might apply once I’ve got something worthwhile aha.
  10. In front of you, you are given the choice of a red and blue pill. You can only choose one pill. The red pill grants you an infinite amount of a drink of your choice. The blue pill grants you an infinite amount of a food type of your choice.

    Using your strategic skills, what pill would you choose and why?

    Right, so this doesn’t say that you can’t make the food into a drink so, therefore, the blue pill and potatoes and then I’d drink potato juice. It’ll be a thing, one day… I’ve never tried it but one day, maybe I will…

  11. What was something unexpected that happened after you started blogging (other than gaining 100 followers)?

    I guess I didn’t expect to get any reads at all. I thought it’d be a dead-end blog, so I am really surprised that people have taken to it! I love you guys 🙂

  12. What song do you most connect to and why?
    This is SUCH a hard question, seriously. Why? Why? I guess, one is “Numb” by Linkin Park. There’s a lot though, that’s just one :3
  13. If it was the end of the world, what would you rather do? Eat a stranger (that’s human) or eat your pets?
    Is this even a question? OBVIOUSLY, I would eat the stranger. Easy choice. 😉
  14. How are you so awesome?
    You made me awesome. Literally, you wired me up, and made me awesome. I am your creation and am forever in your debt.

    Thank you so much for these questions! I love you guys.
    Any more questions that you wanna know? You can just ask anytime. I’ll reply in the comment! Love you ❤
    Lia

 

100 Followers Q+A

100 followers!

I literally just hit 100 followers so I’ve decided to do my first lil Q+A.

I doubt I’ll get many questions but I’ll answer them when I feel I have an okay amount ahaha.

Soo, why don’t you just ask a question? If you’re nice? Please? xD

You can ask *almost* anything!

I also want to just say thank you so much to each of you 100 followers! You define my blog, for me. Thank you guys. 🙂

Lia