Say What You Mean!

Something I struggle with a lot is people saying one thing but meaning another. I automatically assume that they mean exactly what they said, but this often isn’t the case and it’s very confusing deciding whether or not they meant what they said.

Sometimes, this makes me feel betrayed when they didn’t adhere to what they said, but it can be because they never really meant it in the first place. They were just making conversation.

For instance, someone says ‘oh we should do that sometime’ or ‘we should meet up’ but they didn’t really mean it. It’s something that a lot of people seem to say but not mean. It’s kinda suffocating trying to differentiate between a legit promise and a fake one. I just wish people would say exactly what they mean. It would make life a lot easier.

If people told me exactly what they thought of me, life would be easier too. I can differentiate between people who like me for who I am and people who want me to become something I’m not — and stick with the friends that accept me.

I just don’t understand why people always say the opposite of what they mean. It means that I get my hopes up for something that’s never going to happen. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of failed promises, but I still seem to get my hopes up because I never know when one is real.

Sometimes, promises are real, and I am so thankful for the people that say what they mean. For instance, when MyMindSpeaksAloud said that she’d love to go to a cat cafe with me, I was wondering whether we were really going to do it. Now it’s booked and ready for August! I am very excited about it, and it’s really happening, unless a cat-astrophic event happens that prevents it. I love puns.

If people just told everyone what they meant, we would all have a much easier time, in my opinion.

Do you find people confusing?

Lia

Everything Ends

The saddest part of life is how everything eventually ends. I’ve been thinking about that recently, and then I realised that we don’t know for certain that everything does end: does the universe end? Our time on this planet never truly ends, because we left a small dent in it. Everyone leaves a small dent, or a big dent; we all do something to the planet. It might be negative or positive, but the planet won’t forget us. The planet will remember us. But when the planet’s gone — will we truly be forgotten? Perhaps our history will be rewritten by the inhabitants of other planets. Like how we’re rewriting the history of time before we were here. We have evidence, but we also have theories. How accurate is history?

I don’t know, but I think if this planet ends, we’ll still have left a mark on the universe. I think that, whilst most things are temporary, the universe is not, and our planet can crumble and burn, but the universe will be watching. I don’t like the idea of everything ending; if everything just ends, what was the point of starting in the first place? It was to make your little dent on the universe. However you do that.

Existing is the best gift in the world, and we should make the most of it, by paying our respects to the planet we live on, and trying to prolong the existence of it. Of course, it will eventually end, but giving it a while longer will give everything else a while longer too. Everything ends, but some things end before others. Making a small difference to the planet might give it a little more to look forward to.

Thank you for reading,

Lia

I’m Not Who You Want

I’ve noticed that people expect a lot from me. Honestly, I can’t do everything that is expected. People forget sometimes that I’m autistic, I think. I guess, for a while, it makes me feel more normal but I shouldn’t have to hide myself. My true self isn’t the person people want me to be. This doesn’t mean that people should avoid me, or worry about how to talk to me; they should talk to me exactly how they would anyone else. The only difference is that my reply might be vague or unexpected. It might not be what they wanted. I try to talk normally but sometimes my words get knotted and I end up saying something different than what I wanted to say. That’s just how I am. My thoughts and my words often don’t align. Sometimes, I don’t even speak at all, and that’s not because I don’t want to speak; I feel a physical block on my words. It happens most with strangers but it can happen at anytime with people I’ve known for a while too.

When chatting online, I come across as a very different person to how I act in real life. I type what I wouldn’t dare speak, and my online voice is more confident than my real one. This too can give people the impression that I am capable of a lot. The truth is: it embarrasses me to talk about what I can’t do. That’s why I don’t mention it to my friends unless it’s important for them to know. I put on this act that makes me appear able to do lots of things, when really I struggle to do most things.

I’m someone who needs a carer. That carer is also my mum, which means she is around me constantly, to help me do things. I’m someone who needs someone to go out with me, because I can’t go out alone. I’m someone who has a meltdown about the silliest things. The other day, I had a meltdown because my mum thought my meal was hers and peppered it. It was pasta and I can’t eat pepper on my pasta. A lot of people wouldn’t care about something like that but, like I said, the silliest things cause me distress. I have to have things exactly how they’re supposed to be and, if something goes wrong, I can’t cope.

I’m not who people want me to be. I’m trying so hard for my problems to not affect me, but they will always affect me, because autism isn’t temporary. I don’t mind being autistic, it’s who I am, but sometimes I wish it was more understood. There are many stereotypes around it, but I’m not those stereotypes. People thing that if I keep trying, one day my problems will go away. They won’t go away. I’m autistic for life. I can try to make things easier, but it will take time. It’s not something that can happen overnight.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to go out alone, but that day is not today, and it probably won’t be for many days yet to come. People who pressure me into trying to do things that are hard for me just make it harder still. I’ll do things at my own pace.

Understanding isn’t easy if you haven’t experienced it, but imagine you walk into the middle of a movie, and have missed important parts of the plot. You keep trying to ask people questions, but they’re busy watching the rest so they keep telling you to be quiet. That’s kinda what it’s like. You don’t understand what’s going on and you try to figure it out, but you’re still way behind.

Thank you for reading this post,

Lia

Veganism is Never Perfect

I’ve been a vegan for four years and I’ve come to a realisation in that time: no vegan is perfect. We can’t be completely vegan. It’s always a process, and it takes many more years than I’ve been one to completely master it. The vegan society listed veganism as avoiding animal exploitation as far is as practical. This means that if, like me, you take medication with lactose in it/has been tested on animals, you can’t avoid it. I really wish my medication was vegan-friendly but prescription medications are pretty much never suitable for vegans. It’s a tough fact that you have to deal with, and realise that you need your medication so that you can function and help more animals.

Another thing is companies that aren’t vegan putting out vegan products. I, personally, am usually okay with this because I need to show this company that there’s demand for vegan products, and it also means that it’s easier accessibility. Most companies aren’t vegan; it would be pretty hard for me to get products from completely vegan brands.

There are so many little things that some vegans aren’t okay with, because they have the means to not be okay with it, but as someone who can’t buy stuff for myself currently, I can’t tell my mum about all the different things. I am as vegan as I can be, and I hope that one day I am even more vegan, but it needs to be accessible as well. I eat completely vegan, and my clothes are vegan too. I’m just saying that, if you’re considering being vegan, remember that it’s always a process.

You might think you’re a bad vegan, but you’re trying. We’re all trying, and that’s what matters. I worry about so many things but I have to realise that I can’t be perfect all the time. No one can be. I’ve made mistakes, too, and that’s okay, because my intentions were good. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m still learning every day. It’s a long process, but my veganism will never be perfect. I don’t think anyone’s is. That’s just how it is. Until the world catches up, we’re stuck in a mainly non-vegan world and we have to learn to cope with that. It’s alright to try your best, even if that best doesn’t compare to other people’s bests. You’re doing okay.

Lia

19 and Not Ready

So, today is my 19th birthday. I feel like this age doesn’t suit me. I don’t feel 19; I feel a lot younger. I always struggle with growing up because certain expectations are thrown at you. Like, I’m too old for certain things, so I look at it longingly in the store but won’t get it because I’d be judged. I love childish games.

Age isn’t just a number. I know that’s the statement, but it always feels like it’s supposed to define your character, and that shouldn’t be the case. Just because you’re 70, doesn’t mean you are supposed to read the newspaper and do gardening. And being 19 shouldn’t mean going out partying, drinking, and going to uni. I don’t do any of those things by the way. It’s alright if you do, but it shouldn’t be defined by your age. It should be defined by whether you want to do these things.

Why is so much stuff age-defined? Everything you buy has a certain type of buyer and if you don’t fall into that category, sometimes you can get judged. I fear judgement from everyone so I don’t even talk about the things that would make me most happy. I just have a young heart.

Thank you for reading,

Lia

Our Strengths

There are a lot of things I can’t do that others find easy.

I can’t ride a bike; I did have a bike when I was a kid but I never made it to the stage of not having little helper wheels.

I can’t tie my shoelaces. This is one thing that I struggle with that almost nobody else does. I was sitting in a group the other day, and I noticed how many people were wearing trainers with shoelaces. It was a lot of people. There are obviously people out there that struggle with it as well, but I haven’t met them. If you see me wearing shoes, I will most likely be wearing black ankle boots. If I’m not, then perhaps I’ll be in my slip-on trainers.

I can’t do a lot of things to do with clothes actually. I can now do buttons (I couldn’t at all for many years) but it’s slow and usually, I’ll put the wrong button in the hole, so my mum will have to correct it for me. I don’t understand how collars work, and often get that wrong too. Don’t even get me started on my childhood of wearing ties that I couldn’t do up. I learned to loosen them at middle school, but sometimes they’d fall out of it and I couldn’t correct them. Also, ties mean the top button has to be done up, which is torture. I also can’t do up bras, so I wear sports bras all the time. They’re more comfy, anyway.

I struggle with going on public transport alone. I used to be able to do it, but due to a break in confidence, I haven’t been able to do it in a while. I’m hoping to regain my confidence but it could take a while. I can’t buy stuff in shops. Again, I could do that when I was younger, but I haven’t had the confidence to in a while. Also, I need help ordering at restaurants. Occasionally, I have the confidence to talk to the waiter, but usually I can’t.

There might be a lot of things I can’t do, but that doesn’t mean that I’m a lost cause. These things I can’t do just set me apart from what’s ‘normal’. Normal is knowing how to do most of these things. Often, you can’t survive in this world if you don’t have such basic knowledge. I know I struggle to survive, but I have knowledge of other things. I read poetry daily, and you learn a lot from poetry. I have an inability to express myself properly, when speaking, and poetry taught me that expression isn’t about speaking. You can express yourself just fine on paper. I might be an awkward speaker in person, but putting it down gives me time to know exactly what to say.

I also learnt about morals and philosophy, not from any lessons at school, but from simply opening my own mind. I opened my mind to the thoughts and opinions of everything around me. I even thought about what inanimate objects would be pondering; it helped me to open my mind. From that, I felt the suffering of the creatures around me, and I wanted to help them. So, I became vegan. And the fact that I have maintained it for almost four years gives me the courage to say that I have perseverance. I used to think I was weak, and perhaps I’m fragile in some ways, but I’m stronger in other ways. My fragile emotions just show I’m sensitive, and that I care deeply, so is that such a bad thing? Caring? I don’t think so.

I think everyone has something special about them. They all have things they struggle with, but they have something else which makes them who they are. If we were all the same, we wouldn’t have names. But we do: that makes us different and individual. If you don’t know what your strength is, then perhaps it’s modesty, or perhaps it’s such a great strength that you’re the only one who can’t see it.

I’m not talking about what you’re good at. I’m talking about what strength sets you apart. We’re all different, and often you can tell who someone is just by hearing them walk. It’s a privilege to be ourselves, so why don’t we appreciate what makes us that way?

We’re all special. Remember that.

Lia

Hacked Account

So my WordPress account recently has been getting hacked. I tried everything but it kept getting hacked. At one stage, I thought I might have to delete my blog. However, I have transferred the blog from my old account to a new account. The old account is inactive now; I can’t delete it, so that’s what I’ll have to settle with. Anything that happens there, I no longer have a concern for. I did everything I could to prevent the hacking and it still happened so I’m just going to start afresh with a new account.

This means I’ll have to follow everyone again. I might forget people, so if you want me to follow you, you can leave a comment.

I’m sorry for any weird behaviour that my old account caused. Hackers suck.

The ‘Would You Rather’ Tag

Rules:the-would-you-rather-tag

  • Thank and tag the person that has tagged you.
  • Attach the tag photo.
  • Answer the ‘Would You Rather’ questions.
  • Tag a handful of friends.

Thanks MyMindSpeaksAloud. I decided to do it from her.

1.) Would you rather have all dogs try to attack you when they see you or allS birds try to attack you when they see you?

  • All birds try to attack me. Simple solution: Metal umbrella. Don’t wrong me, birdies. :))

2.) Would you rather be unable to move your body every time it rains or not be able to stop moving while the sun is out?

  • Not be able to stop moving while the sun is out. I get sleep paralysis occasionally and it is terrifying as hell, so if I was paralysed every time it rained (in ENGLAND!!)  it wouldn’t be very nice. Besides, I need to get out more anyway, and the sun is out less than it rains in the UK.

3.) Would you rather spend the rest of your life with a sailboat as your home or an RV as your home?

  • Tough one. I think I’d go with RV because I could travel everywhere on the roads. Besides, you can drive your vehicles onto ships so I could travel across oceans as well.

4.) Would you rather walk around work or school for the whole day without realizing there is a giant brown stain on the back of your pants or realize the deadline for that important paper / project was yesterday and you are nowhere near done?

  • The deadline one. I once accidentally stepped into a flooded underground and had to run home in soaking wet trousers, with judging glares, and that was for a few minutes. Besides, I could just say my dog ate my work. He probably did, knowing him.

5.) Would you rather eat a sandwich made from 4 ingredients in your fridge chosen at random or eat a sandwich made by a group of your friends from 4 ingredients in your fridge?

  • Definitely the friend one because, if it were random ingredients in my fridge, I would probably have to eat non-vegan items and I couldn’t deal with that. My friends would be nice enough to give me vegan items, even if they were weird ones.

6.) Would you rather have plants grow at 10 times their normal rate when you are near or for people and animals to stop aging when you are near them?

  • I would love for plants to bloom before my eyes. That’d be magical. I’d go outside more. Besides, if people found out about the aging ability, they’d be lining up outside my door and it’d be awkward. So the plant one, for sure.

7.) Would you rather have chapped lips that never heal or a terrible dandruff that can’t be treated?

  • Wait; if I chose chapped lips, would it get rid of my existing dandruff? If so, for sure.

8.) Would you rather have out of control body hair or out of control body odor?

  • Out of control body odor. I’d just put on tons of deodorant and perfume. I don’t want to look like a gorilla. Besides, if I always smelled bad, people close to me would stop smelling it eventually.

9.) Would you rather know all the mysteries of the universe or know every outcome of every choice you make?

  • To be honest, I’d consider both a curse. To know everything is to me all-knowing and that much power is never good. Also, we’re naturally curious, so when there’s nothing left to find out, what would I do? On the other hand, I don’t think I could deal with the grief of knowing every outcome of every choice I make. To think I could have caused awful things to happen without even knowing it… yeah, I think I’ll have to go with knowing everything. Besides, I could earn money off it.

10.) Would you rather never be able to wear pants or never be able to wear shorts?

  • Never be able to wear shorts. I usually wear trousers so would not be able to not wear them.

11.) Would you rather only wear one color each day or have to wear seven colors each day?

  • Only one colour each day. I pretty much do that anyway. I wouldn’t mind just wearing greyscale, because technically that’s just different shades of the same colour, and also my everyday attire.

12.) Would you rather eat rice with every meal or eat bread with every meal?

  • Bread for sure. It goes with everything.

13.) Would you rather have no eyebrows or only one eyebrow?

  • No eyebrows. I could draw them on.

14.) Would you rather your only mode of transportation be a donkey or a giraffe?

  • I’d go with donkey because I’m not sure how I’d get down from the giraffe.

15.) Would you rather live in a cave or live in a tree house?

  • I already live in a cave… haha. So probably tree house. It’d be fun. I’ve never been in one and it’d be cool.

16.) Would you rather never sweat again or never feel cold again?

  • If I never felt cold again, I wouldn’t even be able to use my cold hands to cool me down when I was too hot. I feel cold all the time but to never feel even the slightest bit cold? That’s inhuman. So definitely never sweat again. It’d be so convenient.

17.) Would you rather never have to clean a bathroom again or never have to do dishes again?

  • I’ve never had to clean a bathroom before, so I’d go with never have to do dishes again. Then I’d never have to do either.

18.) Would you rather move to a new city or town every week or never be able to leave the city or town you were born in?

  • I hate change, so I’d say stay in town I was born in.

19.) Would you rather live a comfortable and peaceful life in the woods in a small cabin or a life full of conflict in a mansion in a city?

  • Definitely in the woods. That is literally my dream life.

20.) Would you rather be in debt for $100,000 or never be able to make more than $3,500 a month?

  • Never be able to make more than (calculates that into pounds) £2497.69 because that’s a lot more than I make now and I doubt I’ll ever make more than that anyway.

21.) Would you rather be the best in the world at climbing trees or the best in the world at jumping rope?

  • Climbing trees. Imagine it: monkey girl. 😉

22.) Would you rather never run out of battery power for whatever phone and tablet you own or always have free Wi-Fi wherever you go?

  • To be honest, free Wi-Fi is pretty easy to find. I’d go for never run out of battery power, that’d be amazing.

23.) Would you rather 20 butterflies instantly appear from nowhere every time you cough or 100 butterflies die somewhere in the world every time you cough?

  • Um… I’m sorry, but who would choose for the butterflies to die? I don’t care if I have a house full of butterflies. I’d rather that than the alternative, for sure.

24.) Would you rather never be stuck in traffic again or never get another cold?

  • Never get another cold. I get colds really easily so that’d be a miracle cure.

25.) Would you rather know the uncomfortable truth of the world or believe a comforting lie?

  • To be honest, I think I already know the uncomfortable truth. Humans are destroying the world. There’s not much more to it… so I guess that’s my answer. I would hate to be blinded.

26.) Would you rather every shirt you ever wear to be kind of itchy or only be able to use 1 ply toilet paper?

  • Only be able to use 1 ply toilet paper. I’m super sensitive to everything, including itchy material, so it wouldn’t just be kind of itchy for me. It would be torture.

27.) Would you rather have no fingers or no elbows?

  • No fingers, because how could you even use your fingers with no elbows? It’d be so awkward!

28.) Would you rather have all traffic lights you approach be green or never have to stand in line again?

  • Never have to stand in line again. That’d be so useful.

29.) Would you rather have a flying carpet or a car that can drive underwater?

  • A flying carpet! I could fly everywhere and it’d be so fast. Driving underwater would be kinda slow, because of the constant force against you.

30.) Would you rather find five dollars on the ground or find all of your missing socks?

  • To be honest, all my lost socks are probably from my childhood so would not fit my adult feet. Definitely find a fiver.

31.) Would you rather live on the beach or in a cabin in the woods?

  • A cabin in the woods!! I already live near the beach, and just living near it gives a lot of wind. If I lived on it, my hair would go crazy.

32.) Would you rather lose your left hand or right foot?

  • Right food, definitely. I need two hands. They do so much for me. I could cope with a prosthetic foot.

33.) Would you rather face your fears or forget that you have them?

  • Both would accomplish the same thing, right? You’d get over your fears either way. But I would say that forgetting your fears is so dangerous because you could get yourself into dangerous situations without knowing it. So I’d face them, as hard as it is.

34.) Would you rather snitch on your best friend for a crime they committed or go to jail for the crime they committed?

  • The truth would eat at me if I lied. And I can’t be away from my family for a day, let alone several months or years. I would have to tell the truth and hope they understood.

35.) Would you rather eat a box of dry spaghetti noodles or a cup of uncooked rice?

  • The spaghetti noodles. More texture?

36.) Would you rather humans go to the moon again or go to mars?

  • I disagree with us visiting other planets because eventually we might get greedy with them, if we learnt how to live on them. I don’t want us doing to those planets what has been done to this one. So the moon again.

37.) Would you rather never get angry or never be envious?

  • Never be envious. I would love to never have to think about what other people have that I don’t have.

38.) Would you rather be able to go to any theme park in the world for free for the rest of your life or eat for free at any drive through restaurant for the rest of your life?

  • Eat for free, for sure. I’d save a lot more money than theme parks, considering they’re more common.

39.) Would you rather never lose your phone again or never lose your keys again?

  • Never lose my phone again. Then, I can call my mum and ask her to let me in. If I lost my phone, but not my keys, imagine if I was lost. I wouldn’t be able to phone anyone… it’d be terrifying, and my keys would be useless.

40.) Would you rather lose the ability to read or lose the ability to speak?

  • Lose the ability to speak. I could learn sign language.

41.) Would you rather live under a sky with no stars at night or live under a sky with no clouds during the day?

  • Sky with no stars, because I already live with that, due to pollution. Clouds are nice.

42.) Would you rather have constantly dry eyes or a constant runny nose?

  • Dry eyes.

43.) Would you rather never be able to eat meat or never be able to eat vegetables?

  • So, this question is being asked to a vegan. How ironic. I already do the ‘never eat meat again’ one so this isn’t really a question for me. Lol. I’m alive. I know. Shocking, right?

44.) Would you rather always be able to see 5 minutes into the future or always be able to see 100 years into the future?

  • Five minutes into future. I could stop bad things from happening. Also, I’m terrified to know the distant future because we might be even worse than we are now. I hope not.

45.) Would you rather be married to a 10 with a bad personality or a 6 with an amazing personality?

  • I would say neither, but I’m going with the rule that we should answer all. So 6 with amazing personality. He’d be my 10.

46.) Would you rather never be able to drink sodas like coke again or only be able to drink sodas and nothing else?

  • Never be able to drink sodas like coke again. I don’t drink them anyway.

47.) Would you rather have amazingly fast typing / texting speed or be able to read ridiculously fast?

  • I already type extremely fast so I’d go with reading ridiculously fast. I could finish books so much quicker… it’d be great.

48.) Would you rather sell all of your possessions or sell one of your organs?

  • Sell one of my organs. On the black market. For a million pounds. Someone would buy it.

49.) Would you rather never have to work again or never have to sleep again (you won’t feel tired or suffer negative health effects)?

  • I suffer with extreme fatigue so to never have to sleep again would be absolutely amazing. To never feel tired again would change my life.

50.) Would you rather get one free round trip international plane ticket every year or be able to fly domestic anytime for free?

  • Be able to fly one free round trip international plane ticket every year. I live in the UK, I wouldn’t be able to go many places domestic.

I noma

Wall

A brick wall pushes against my brain,

trying to keep me sane,

but in reality,

it’s trapping the helps and the whelps

and maybe I need them back.

If I have no tears or fears,

if I have no worries at all —

then what’s left to care about?

You only care when you feel bad,

and I just can’t feel sad.

It’s so heavy, against my mind,

and I can’t lift it —

I need a grenade.

Perhaps, then,

I’ll find a way

to feel again.

Update on Moving House

So, as I said previously, I’m moving house, We were originally moving to this chalet bungalow, where I’d have a reasonable sized bedroom. Even though I hated the idea of moving house, this house was the one that I liked the most. I could see the potential in it.

However, as you do when you move house, my parents had a survey done of the house to see if there were any problems. There were a lot of problems, and it would take a lot of time and money to fix them all, so my parents decided it wasn’t worth it. Without telling me, they went to view another property, and immediately put in an offer on it, also without consulting me. I guess it’s their decisions at the end of the day, but I would have liked to see it first. I was hoping that the survey issue might slow things down… but it seemed to have no impact on time whatsoever.

The new property (normal bungalow) is in the same road as the other (though it’s a long road, compared to the short one I live in now, so it’s right at the other end) but it’s hidden. It has this really, really, really long driveway. Imagine a long driveway, and double it. So, although we will have neighbours, we won’t really see them much, because they’ll be next to the start of our long driveway, and we’re hidden the other end. The garden is also a wraparound which could be good for Pablo. Lots of space for him to run around. Although it’s near a busy road and railway station, it isn’t really, again because of the long driveway, so I hope the cats will be okay if we were to move there. My bedroom would be much smaller than the one now. Everyone else in the house is going to have a large bedroom so I’ll be the only one suffering a loss of space. Also, I think Pablo’s going to be upset about lack of upstairs, because he loves going upstairs. And the cats love swiping at us from the stairs.

I guess I’m terrified, again, because I haven’t even seen this house… and it could be the house that I live in for many years to come. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be okay, maybe I’ll get used to a small bedroom and no upstairs and a different area and maybe the pets will be okay with it too… or maybe it won’t be good. I won’t know until I see the property. Who knows? Maybe this property will fail the survey too.

It’s just a lot of maybes at the moment. Maybe I’ll move to this house; maybe I won’t. I just need to prepare for every possible outcome.