Hacked Account

So my WordPress account recently has been getting hacked. I tried everything but it kept getting hacked. At one stage, I thought I might have to delete my blog. However, I have transferred the blog from my old account to a new account. The old account is inactive now; I can’t delete it, so that’s what I’ll have to settle with. Anything that happens there, I no longer have a concern for. I did everything I could to prevent the hacking and it still happened so I’m just going to start afresh with a new account.

This means I’ll have to follow everyone again. I might forget people, so if you want me to follow you, you can leave a comment.

I’m sorry for any weird behaviour that my old account caused. Hackers suck.

The ‘Would You Rather’ Tag

Rules:the-would-you-rather-tag

  • Thank and tag the person that has tagged you.
  • Attach the tag photo.
  • Answer the ‘Would You Rather’ questions.
  • Tag a handful of friends.

Thanks MyMindSpeaksAloud. I decided to do it from her.

1.) Would you rather have all dogs try to attack you when they see you or allS birds try to attack you when they see you?

  • All birds try to attack me. Simple solution: Metal umbrella. Don’t wrong me, birdies. :))

2.) Would you rather be unable to move your body every time it rains or not be able to stop moving while the sun is out?

  • Not be able to stop moving while the sun is out. I get sleep paralysis occasionally and it is terrifying as hell, so if I was paralysed every time it rained (in ENGLAND!!)  it wouldn’t be very nice. Besides, I need to get out more anyway, and the sun is out less than it rains in the UK.

3.) Would you rather spend the rest of your life with a sailboat as your home or an RV as your home?

  • Tough one. I think I’d go with RV because I could travel everywhere on the roads. Besides, you can drive your vehicles onto ships so I could travel across oceans as well.

4.) Would you rather walk around work or school for the whole day without realizing there is a giant brown stain on the back of your pants or realize the deadline for that important paper / project was yesterday and you are nowhere near done?

  • The deadline one. I once accidentally stepped into a flooded underground and had to run home in soaking wet trousers, with judging glares, and that was for a few minutes. Besides, I could just say my dog ate my work. He probably did, knowing him.

5.) Would you rather eat a sandwich made from 4 ingredients in your fridge chosen at random or eat a sandwich made by a group of your friends from 4 ingredients in your fridge?

  • Definitely the friend one because, if it were random ingredients in my fridge, I would probably have to eat non-vegan items and I couldn’t deal with that. My friends would be nice enough to give me vegan items, even if they were weird ones.

6.) Would you rather have plants grow at 10 times their normal rate when you are near or for people and animals to stop aging when you are near them?

  • I would love for plants to bloom before my eyes. That’d be magical. I’d go outside more. Besides, if people found out about the aging ability, they’d be lining up outside my door and it’d be awkward. So the plant one, for sure.

7.) Would you rather have chapped lips that never heal or a terrible dandruff that can’t be treated?

  • Wait; if I chose chapped lips, would it get rid of my existing dandruff? If so, for sure.

8.) Would you rather have out of control body hair or out of control body odor?

  • Out of control body odor. I’d just put on tons of deodorant and perfume. I don’t want to look like a gorilla. Besides, if I always smelled bad, people close to me would stop smelling it eventually.

9.) Would you rather know all the mysteries of the universe or know every outcome of every choice you make?

  • To be honest, I’d consider both a curse. To know everything is to me all-knowing and that much power is never good. Also, we’re naturally curious, so when there’s nothing left to find out, what would I do? On the other hand, I don’t think I could deal with the grief of knowing every outcome of every choice I make. To think I could have caused awful things to happen without even knowing it… yeah, I think I’ll have to go with knowing everything. Besides, I could earn money off it.

10.) Would you rather never be able to wear pants or never be able to wear shorts?

  • Never be able to wear shorts. I usually wear trousers so would not be able to not wear them.

11.) Would you rather only wear one color each day or have to wear seven colors each day?

  • Only one colour each day. I pretty much do that anyway. I wouldn’t mind just wearing greyscale, because technically that’s just different shades of the same colour, and also my everyday attire.

12.) Would you rather eat rice with every meal or eat bread with every meal?

  • Bread for sure. It goes with everything.

13.) Would you rather have no eyebrows or only one eyebrow?

  • No eyebrows. I could draw them on.

14.) Would you rather your only mode of transportation be a donkey or a giraffe?

  • I’d go with donkey because I’m not sure how I’d get down from the giraffe.

15.) Would you rather live in a cave or live in a tree house?

  • I already live in a cave… haha. So probably tree house. It’d be fun. I’ve never been in one and it’d be cool.

16.) Would you rather never sweat again or never feel cold again?

  • If I never felt cold again, I wouldn’t even be able to use my cold hands to cool me down when I was too hot. I feel cold all the time but to never feel even the slightest bit cold? That’s inhuman. So definitely never sweat again. It’d be so convenient.

17.) Would you rather never have to clean a bathroom again or never have to do dishes again?

  • I’ve never had to clean a bathroom before, so I’d go with never have to do dishes again. Then I’d never have to do either.

18.) Would you rather move to a new city or town every week or never be able to leave the city or town you were born in?

  • I hate change, so I’d say stay in town I was born in.

19.) Would you rather live a comfortable and peaceful life in the woods in a small cabin or a life full of conflict in a mansion in a city?

  • Definitely in the woods. That is literally my dream life.

20.) Would you rather be in debt for $100,000 or never be able to make more than $3,500 a month?

  • Never be able to make more than (calculates that into pounds) £2497.69 because that’s a lot more than I make now and I doubt I’ll ever make more than that anyway.

21.) Would you rather be the best in the world at climbing trees or the best in the world at jumping rope?

  • Climbing trees. Imagine it: monkey girl. 😉

22.) Would you rather never run out of battery power for whatever phone and tablet you own or always have free Wi-Fi wherever you go?

  • To be honest, free Wi-Fi is pretty easy to find. I’d go for never run out of battery power, that’d be amazing.

23.) Would you rather 20 butterflies instantly appear from nowhere every time you cough or 100 butterflies die somewhere in the world every time you cough?

  • Um… I’m sorry, but who would choose for the butterflies to die? I don’t care if I have a house full of butterflies. I’d rather that than the alternative, for sure.

24.) Would you rather never be stuck in traffic again or never get another cold?

  • Never get another cold. I get colds really easily so that’d be a miracle cure.

25.) Would you rather know the uncomfortable truth of the world or believe a comforting lie?

  • To be honest, I think I already know the uncomfortable truth. Humans are destroying the world. There’s not much more to it… so I guess that’s my answer. I would hate to be blinded.

26.) Would you rather every shirt you ever wear to be kind of itchy or only be able to use 1 ply toilet paper?

  • Only be able to use 1 ply toilet paper. I’m super sensitive to everything, including itchy material, so it wouldn’t just be kind of itchy for me. It would be torture.

27.) Would you rather have no fingers or no elbows?

  • No fingers, because how could you even use your fingers with no elbows? It’d be so awkward!

28.) Would you rather have all traffic lights you approach be green or never have to stand in line again?

  • Never have to stand in line again. That’d be so useful.

29.) Would you rather have a flying carpet or a car that can drive underwater?

  • A flying carpet! I could fly everywhere and it’d be so fast. Driving underwater would be kinda slow, because of the constant force against you.

30.) Would you rather find five dollars on the ground or find all of your missing socks?

  • To be honest, all my lost socks are probably from my childhood so would not fit my adult feet. Definitely find a fiver.

31.) Would you rather live on the beach or in a cabin in the woods?

  • A cabin in the woods!! I already live near the beach, and just living near it gives a lot of wind. If I lived on it, my hair would go crazy.

32.) Would you rather lose your left hand or right foot?

  • Right food, definitely. I need two hands. They do so much for me. I could cope with a prosthetic foot.

33.) Would you rather face your fears or forget that you have them?

  • Both would accomplish the same thing, right? You’d get over your fears either way. But I would say that forgetting your fears is so dangerous because you could get yourself into dangerous situations without knowing it. So I’d face them, as hard as it is.

34.) Would you rather snitch on your best friend for a crime they committed or go to jail for the crime they committed?

  • The truth would eat at me if I lied. And I can’t be away from my family for a day, let alone several months or years. I would have to tell the truth and hope they understood.

35.) Would you rather eat a box of dry spaghetti noodles or a cup of uncooked rice?

  • The spaghetti noodles. More texture?

36.) Would you rather humans go to the moon again or go to mars?

  • I disagree with us visiting other planets because eventually we might get greedy with them, if we learnt how to live on them. I don’t want us doing to those planets what has been done to this one. So the moon again.

37.) Would you rather never get angry or never be envious?

  • Never be envious. I would love to never have to think about what other people have that I don’t have.

38.) Would you rather be able to go to any theme park in the world for free for the rest of your life or eat for free at any drive through restaurant for the rest of your life?

  • Eat for free, for sure. I’d save a lot more money than theme parks, considering they’re more common.

39.) Would you rather never lose your phone again or never lose your keys again?

  • Never lose my phone again. Then, I can call my mum and ask her to let me in. If I lost my phone, but not my keys, imagine if I was lost. I wouldn’t be able to phone anyone… it’d be terrifying, and my keys would be useless.

40.) Would you rather lose the ability to read or lose the ability to speak?

  • Lose the ability to speak. I could learn sign language.

41.) Would you rather live under a sky with no stars at night or live under a sky with no clouds during the day?

  • Sky with no stars, because I already live with that, due to pollution. Clouds are nice.

42.) Would you rather have constantly dry eyes or a constant runny nose?

  • Dry eyes.

43.) Would you rather never be able to eat meat or never be able to eat vegetables?

  • So, this question is being asked to a vegan. How ironic. I already do the ‘never eat meat again’ one so this isn’t really a question for me. Lol. I’m alive. I know. Shocking, right?

44.) Would you rather always be able to see 5 minutes into the future or always be able to see 100 years into the future?

  • Five minutes into future. I could stop bad things from happening. Also, I’m terrified to know the distant future because we might be even worse than we are now. I hope not.

45.) Would you rather be married to a 10 with a bad personality or a 6 with an amazing personality?

  • I would say neither, but I’m going with the rule that we should answer all. So 6 with amazing personality. He’d be my 10.

46.) Would you rather never be able to drink sodas like coke again or only be able to drink sodas and nothing else?

  • Never be able to drink sodas like coke again. I don’t drink them anyway.

47.) Would you rather have amazingly fast typing / texting speed or be able to read ridiculously fast?

  • I already type extremely fast so I’d go with reading ridiculously fast. I could finish books so much quicker… it’d be great.

48.) Would you rather sell all of your possessions or sell one of your organs?

  • Sell one of my organs. On the black market. For a million pounds. Someone would buy it.

49.) Would you rather never have to work again or never have to sleep again (you won’t feel tired or suffer negative health effects)?

  • I suffer with extreme fatigue so to never have to sleep again would be absolutely amazing. To never feel tired again would change my life.

50.) Would you rather get one free round trip international plane ticket every year or be able to fly domestic anytime for free?

  • Be able to fly one free round trip international plane ticket every year. I live in the UK, I wouldn’t be able to go many places domestic.

I noma

Wall

A brick wall pushes against my brain,

trying to keep me sane,

but in reality,

it’s trapping the helps and the whelps

and maybe I need them back.

If I have no tears or fears,

if I have no worries at all —

then what’s left to care about?

You only care when you feel bad,

and I just can’t feel sad.

It’s so heavy, against my mind,

and I can’t lift it —

I need a grenade.

Perhaps, then,

I’ll find a way

to feel again.

Update on Moving House

So, as I said previously, I’m moving house, We were originally moving to this chalet bungalow, where I’d have a reasonable sized bedroom. Even though I hated the idea of moving house, this house was the one that I liked the most. I could see the potential in it.

However, as you do when you move house, my parents had a survey done of the house to see if there were any problems. There were a lot of problems, and it would take a lot of time and money to fix them all, so my parents decided it wasn’t worth it. Without telling me, they went to view another property, and immediately put in an offer on it, also without consulting me. I guess it’s their decisions at the end of the day, but I would have liked to see it first. I was hoping that the survey issue might slow things down… but it seemed to have no impact on time whatsoever.

The new property (normal bungalow) is in the same road as the other (though it’s a long road, compared to the short one I live in now, so it’s right at the other end) but it’s hidden. It has this really, really, really long driveway. Imagine a long driveway, and double it. So, although we will have neighbours, we won’t really see them much, because they’ll be next to the start of our long driveway, and we’re hidden the other end. The garden is also a wraparound which could be good for Pablo. Lots of space for him to run around. Although it’s near a busy road and railway station, it isn’t really, again because of the long driveway, so I hope the cats will be okay if we were to move there. My bedroom would be much smaller than the one now. Everyone else in the house is going to have a large bedroom so I’ll be the only one suffering a loss of space. Also, I think Pablo’s going to be upset about lack of upstairs, because he loves going upstairs. And the cats love swiping at us from the stairs.

I guess I’m terrified, again, because I haven’t even seen this house… and it could be the house that I live in for many years to come. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll be okay, maybe I’ll get used to a small bedroom and no upstairs and a different area and maybe the pets will be okay with it too… or maybe it won’t be good. I won’t know until I see the property. Who knows? Maybe this property will fail the survey too.

It’s just a lot of maybes at the moment. Maybe I’ll move to this house; maybe I won’t. I just need to prepare for every possible outcome.

Rain Clouds

Everyone has a little box in their brain

full of rain clouds

that will never go away.

They’re the rain clouds

you can’t let fade,

because they’re the darkness

you need to keep.

They’re tightly sealed,

until those days

when you think about them.

My box is full to the brim,

and rain clouds are fighting

to get out every day,

and more are getting leaked.

They fill the parts of me

I don’t want them to fill,

and rain is getting in the way.

My happiest thoughts become

soaked in rain.

And me?

I’m already drenched.

There’s no saving

a soggy piece of paper.

I Think

I think

that I exist,

I think

that it’s real,

I think

that we’re alive,

I think

all of that,

but what do I know?

Nothing.

Because knowledge is

never definite,

as it could all just be

an illusion;

rain, sun, snow,

the world,

the stars…

We’ll never know

whether our eyes

are actually there

or whether all of this

is a dream.

I think I can touch it

but I know I can feel it.

I think I can see it

but I know I can think it.

Urges

Urges send my hands reaching,

clawing at what they want,

but then I stop them.

I have to stop them.

Urges control my mind,

every thought in it

wants the same thing.

Happiness, sadness,

anger, they all become one.

One spear aimed at the heart.

Whether it misses or not,

that’s up to me,

and whether I listen

to my mind.

The spear misses this time.

The Box and The Ball

The box is blue.

Inside the box is a ball.

The ball is red.

The ball doesn’t want to be inside the box.

The ball would much rather be inside a red box.

The ball jumps.

The box doesn’t move.

The ball learns to accept that it is stuck with the blue box.

The box doesn’t want the red ball to be inside it.

The box tries to open.

The box is stuck.

The box tries to crush the ball.

The box can’t get rid of it.

The box learns to accept that it is stuck with the red ball.

A yellow car comes.

In one movement, the yellow car crushes the blue box.

The blue box crushes the red ball.

The red ball suffocates.

If only, the yellow car had avoided them.

If only, the blue box had opened up.

If only, the red ball had jumped out.

Moving

I’ve lived in the same house for my entire life — 18 years.

Today my parents accepted an offer on our house. It means that it’s real, that I’m actually going to be moving somewhere. A chalet bungalow. I don’t want to leave this house. I really don’t. It’s terrifying, the thought of never being in it again… the house I spend most of my days in, all of my nights in.

Why do I have to leave it?

My heart is crumbling, piece by piece, because this is the house I have lived in for so long. Every second I think about the new house, a part of my heart vanishes, because it’s only going to get closer to the day I have to leave.

I don’t know if I can do it. I’ve dealt with changes before, but never such a massive one. This is the biggest change I will ever face and how can I live with it? I don’t know.

All I know is that it’s scaring me so much. I’ve never felt this scared before, because I always had the security of returning to this house. Now that’s going to be gone too.

The Thing About Selective Mutism

I have selective mutism. No, it doesn’t mean that sometimes I choose not to talk. It means that I physically can’t talk in those moments. I want to talk but the words will not come out. In fact, there’s not much selective about it.

For me, these incidents can occur if I get a certain vibe off someone, and I don’t like them, or if I’m in social situations, particularly in large groups. I have good days and bad days. Some days I can speak freely and other days I can’t.

My mum once took me to a counsellor but my body refused to speak to her, so it was deemed useless. This was because I didn’t like her and found she had a certain tone in her voice that scared me. It’s important that people speak to me in a certain way, and if they don’t, sometimes I won’t respond.

I also usually don’t talk to people at first, until I feel comfortable with them. If you ask me a question, though, I’ll usually respond. Sometimes, it might just be a gesture though, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk. I just need to get into it.

It has actually gotten to the point where my mum talks for me most of the time because she’s worried I won’t say anything. It shocks her when I do speak up as it can be very unexpected. If I’m feeling more confident that day, I might talk more.

I find talking online a lot easier than in real life. It means I can put across thoughts that would never cross my lips. I like interacting with people, and talking to them, but I am normally not the one to start the conversation.

It’s hard not being able to talk when I want to all the time. Like the words are right on the edge of coming out, but they just don’t. My thoughts become overwhelmed with words that never came out and sometimes, I might just explode in a fury of thoughts later on to my mum. She doesn’t always like how much I talk to her, but I can’t help it! It’s what is stored up from earlier.

I can come across as rude for not talking when spoken to, but that’s out of my control. I hope this post helps people to better understand selective mutism.

Lia